Episode 2. Thanks For Everything, Grumpo Dewclaw (Pilot) Pt. 2
Paul Salt
[over intro music] Welcome, listener, to a necessary recap of our fantasy tale. Heroes in band play. Old master imprisoned. Journey to post bail. [intro music ends]
Sara Keep
It’s 10 years ago.
Paul Salt
[gasps]
Sara Keep
Margaret, you’re asleep on the sofa in your small flat in Lower Coastberg, sleeping off your hangover from the night before, when suddenly there’s a sharp loud knock on the door. You think it could be Joan coming home early, having forgotten her keys, but you stumble through some scattered beer bottles and hammer-damaged furniture – a sure sign that you had a good time last night –
Jen Blundell
A rager.
Sara Keep
– and make your way to the door. When you open it, you see a tall figure in a long dirt-covered robe. A grey-haired tabaxi stands before you, their fur long and flowing around the muzzle, almost resembling a beard. They remove their tall, pointed hat and step forward into the flat. [In an old wizard voice] Margaret Battlehammer, I presume. You’re just the dwarf I was looking for. I’ve heard tell of your adventures.
Jen Blundell
[in a West Lancashire accent] Ey up, who the fuck are you?
Sara Keep
Ho ho ho, who am I? I go by many names. The Grey Shadow, the Scourge of the Broken Keep-
Jen Blundell
Honestly, I don’t need them all, honestly-
Sara Keep
Scrimbleshanks the Railway Cat. [Laughter] But you, my new friend, may call me Grumpo. Grumpy Dewclaw, the Wizard King.
Jen Blundell
Right, Grumpo… Bumpo, or whatever your name was. To be honest. I’m a little fragile right now. So, if you wouldn’t kindly mind fucking off and go selling whatever wizardy shite it is you’re selling somewhere else. That’d be grand. And I go to shut the door on him.
Sara Keep
He puts his foot in the door to stop it from closing and sticks his little cat muzzle into the gap.
Nell Heald
Aww.
Sara Keep
Adventure often comes to those who do not seek it. And oftentimes when one is least prepared, but Margaret! now is truly a time of great need.
Jen Blundell
Oh, I’m all up for an adventure. No, adventure I’m fine with. What I don’t like is persistent little buggers turning up at my front door first thing in the morning – did we say it was the morning? – Last thing at night. First thing in the morning or late at night.
Sara Keep
You’ve just woken up.
Jen Blundell
Could be either still.
Sara Keep
Yeah, exactly. But Grumpo goes, It’s 2pm.
Jen Blundell
Well, even worse. The most holy hour of the day for a dwarf.
Paul Goodman
Canon.
Jen Blundell
Don’t challenge me on that. Are you offering a lot of money? Or a lot of adventure? I’ll take one of the two.
Sara Keep
Well… And he opens up his robe.
Paul Salt
Oh shit.
Sara Keep
And pulls out a shimmering goblet.
Paul Goodman
What he calls it. [Laughter]
Sara Keep
And just sort of extends his clawed hand through the gap in the door, showing you this goblet.
Jen Blundell
Aye. That looks expensive and interesting.
Sara Keep
Margaret, this is not payment, my dear. This is purpose. Back in the present, you are stood in Margaret’s current home, having just seen the pleading message of your former adventuring partner. And now you’re left with a puddle upon the garage floor.
Jen Blundell
I guess I’ll have to get a bocket and mup. Bocket and mup?
Paul Salt
Bocket and mup!
Paul Goodman
That’s what they’re called in Fantasyland. [laughter] In the Forgotten Realms.
Jen Blundell
Moppet and buck. Muppek and pack… Pucket and map… [laughter] Moppet and… meck…
Sara Keep
Oh, Margaret’s having a stroke.
Jen Blundell
Moppet… mop…
Paul Goodman 03:43
Technical difficulties while Jen’s dealing with that.
Jen Blundell
Mop and bucket. Oh, thank God. Bucket and mop, bucket and mop.
Paul Salt
As she gets an ever more panicked look in her eyes.
Jen Blundell
[wails sadly] Help me.
Paul Goodman
Oh my god, guys, that seems pretty serious. Poor Master Dewclaw.
Paul Salt
We must act hastily. A friend in need of help. Beautiful chance to save him. Opportunities.
Paul Goodman
Jump reaches for the lute.
Jen Blundell
Aye. Beautiful. Maybe… maybe we can pause for a minute. Take a pause from the playing just to maybe discuss… I think it’s very nice that our old friend reached out to us. Slightly worrying that he’s got no one else to turn to. But we’ll think about that later. Obviously, the circumstances aren’t quite what they were 10 years ago. So maybe just a couple of us should go. You seem pretty unencumbered by responsibilities, Bleugh.
Paul Salt
I have literally nothing on. In many ways.
Jen Blundell
Yeah, I’d gathered. Except for the gig, remember? To be honest, maybe we could just send him a return message saying sorry, we’ve got a gig.
Paul Goodman
I don’t know. Like, we could just post him the bail money.
Jen Blundell
Aye. Fantasy DHL, shouldn’t cost too much.
Paul Goodman
Yeah, like if we just tie a big sack of coin to a crow or… some sort of bigger sky-faring animal?
Jen Blundell
Yeah. Dragon maybe?
Paul Goodman
Could find a dragon?
Jen Blundell
Oh, I know plenty. Have I not mentioned that I’ve got a dragon ancestor?
Paul Goodman
Lot of talk about hammers.
Jen Blundell
Aye. Hammers and dragons.
Paul Salt
That’s a better name for this game.
Jen Blundell
The Margaret Podcast.
Paul Goodman
Hammers and dragons is flippin good, but, I don’t know… Morric, any beasties you can rustle up?
Nell Heald
Do we not owe Grumpo this other than posting bail on a bird?
Paul Salt
You’re very correct, Metsa Isa. We have a profound moral obligation to our former adventurer, but also a huge obligation to the organisers of the event at which we have agreed to play. It would bring great shame upon us where we to no show. [Laughter]
Paul Goodman
I keep asking them for money. They haven’t paid us up front for anything. We’re not tied down, you know?
Paul Salt
You mustn’t let their actions affect yours. A man in debt… to… you… is… never… to be-
Paul Goodman
Hey, that’s a really good point, Bleugh. [Laughter] Thing is, Jump Fundenden, you know, the sole slayer, the hammer of Tyr – sorry, Margaret –
Jen Blundell
It’s all right, they’re not all copyright. If you say Battlehammer, though, then you owe me some money.
Paul Goodman
Wouldn’t dare. Tyr’s about justice, you dig? Look, Jump Fundenden, you know, he’s gone. I haven’t cleaved a soul from its body in a heck of a long time. Taken evil in my fist and crushed it until the fear ran out of it. Haven’t even spilled the blood of a foe, not even in the post office.
Nell Heald
Surely it’s just a simple walk to the next town? We shouldn’t have any trouble, right?
Paul Salt
How many days hence is this town?
Paul Goodman
Yeah. Where is this Beaton anyway?
Jen Blundell
I’ll go get the Ordnance Surveys. [Laughter] We’ve got a whole bookcase of them inside. Joan keeps saying we’re gonna go hiking, but you know how it is.
Nell Heald
I would say I know it.
Jen Blundell
that would make sense, it’s like in nature.
Sara Keep
So, it’s about a two to three week – depending on what would or could delay you – hike-
Jen Blundell
I’m sure nothing would!
Sara Keep
All the way to Beaton, which is down on the lower west of the map.
Paul Salt
Two to three weeks, there and back?
Sara Keep
Just there.
Paul Salt
So, six weeks, just there. How many days hence is the concert which we are due to play?
Paul Goodman
Funny now you mentioned it. I’m pretty sure it’s exactly six weeks. [Laughter] what are the chances of that?
Paul Salt
My friends, I believe I have foreseen an opportunity for us to meet our obligations to both the organisers of the Happy Day in the Park Concert and also our former best friend and mentor.
Nell Heald
It should only be about two or three weeks.
Paul Salt
Fortune shines upon us today.
Nell Heald
And we could practice on the way.
Paul Goodman
Hey, that’s right. And we could play at the taverns along the way to earn our keep.
Nell Heald
That’s right.
Paul Salt
Our journey may infuse our music with authenticity.
Nell Heald
That’s right, Bleugh, you might get some inspiration for your poems.
Paul Goodman
That’s it, Bleugh, we could work on the lyrics around the campfire at night or maybe around the tavern tables as we’re given free flagons of ale for our prowess on the lute, and the other instruments that we play.
Paul Salt
Only through journey shall we achieve greater mastery of ourselves. I believe that this is the best course of action for us all to take.
Jen Blundell
That’s all very nice. And I appreciate what you’re saying. But I’m afraid it’s gonna have to be a little no for me on this one. I’ll make sure I go walk in the park every day. Okay? And that way, I’ll do some personal growth at the same time. And then I guess we’ll all sort of still be level when it comes to the concert.
Paul Salt
It pains me greatly to know that you could accommodate a walk in the park each day into your schedule and so far have not done, considering I live there.
Jen Blundell
That’s… that is just… I’ll have to drop something else. Very important. Crucial.
Paul Goodman
Of course. What important thing are you’re talking about? Tell me and I’ll understand.
Jen Blundell
Er… an important medical appointment, so you better not ask any more about it because it’s reet private.
Paul Goodman
Oh no! What’s wrong with you specifically?
Jen Blundell
Uhhh… It’s in… it’s… It’s me between-me-down-theres.
Paul Goodman
Oh no.
Jen Blundell
Go on, ask another fucking question.
Paul Goodman
You mean, your vagina? [Giggling]
Jen Blundell
Aye, I do mean me vagina. Ask another fucking question.
Paul Goodman
Now surely there’s some sort of magical spell.
Paul Salt
Which of us is best trained in medicine? We may be able to tend to your vagina.
Jen Blundell
Aye, yes…
Paul Goodman
I have Healing Hands. [Laughter]
Jen Blundell
No. No, you don’t.
Paul Goodman
And Lay On Hands. I could do either one of those.
Paul Salt
I highly believe that the best course of action now is for Jump to touch your vagina.
Paul Goodman
Morric, hold my lute.
Jen Blundell
Okay, this is this has been lovely. I’m going to call time on the band practice and I’ll see you lot in six weeks, OK? Give Grumpo all my love. And I’m backing away with my drumsticks held in front.
Paul Goodman
Perhaps one of us could summon some sort of animal, stand in for you at the PTA meeting?
Jen Blundell
Err, no, my job is crucial.
Paul Goodman
Hey Morric, how about one of them rocks? They seem pretty hot for justice.
Nell Heald
I have a rock the right size and shape for Margaret.
Paul Salt
I believe that one of us, one of us should definitely go and speak to Margaret. And I look at Jump. [laughter] but it should definitely be Metsa Isa.
Paul Goodman
Who’s most charismatic? And I don’t mean in terms of performances because that’s going to skew the numbers a bit.
Nell Heald
I’ve got a negative one, it’s not me.
Paul Salt
Zero!
Paul Goodman
So, old Jump, but have no card in the diplomacy here has a +4.
Nell Heald
Oooh, nice.
Paul Salt
It has been going very badly so far but yes, let’s do it.
Paul Goodman
Yeah, but until now.
Paul Salt
Do the Healing Hands thing again.
Paul Goodman
She seemed against it, but I don’t know. I’ve got a good feeling about second try. Margaret, Margaret! And I assume you’re out of the garage at this point, or are you…?
Jen Blundell
Oh, yeah, I’ve slipped through into the main body of the house and I’m folding some laundry.
Paul Goodman
Jump follows and… now, are the doorways, are they dwarf-sized?
Jen Blundell
[laughs] Yeah, it’s a dwarf house.
Paul Goodman
Okay. So, Jump, being six foot two and also having a big old gut is unceremoniously squeezing himself through.
Jen Blundell
She did extend the roof of the garage. That’s the only bit that’s tall enough for us all to stand in.
Paul Goodman
Okay, cool. But not the width of the doorframe.
Jen Blundell
No, not the rest of the house. No point having ceilings that high.
Paul Goodman
[imitating Margaret] It’s narrow for a reason.
Paul Salt
And there’s a three foot step going into the building as well to prevent Bleugh from getting in. [laughter]
Paul Goodman
Foiled.
Paul Salt
If only I could jump.
Paul Goodman
[laughs] Alas. Margaret, Margaret, wait! Margaret, look, I ain’t gonna touch any part of you that you don’t want. That’s okay.
Jen Blundell
Probably for the best.
Paul Goodman
Whatever is going on with your genitals is between you and… well, probably just you, come to think of it.
Jen Blundell
Mm. They did let you be a teacher, right? They do know you are working as a teacher in the school?
Paul Goodman
Yeah, but I know the difference between good and evil, yeah?
Jen Blundell
Oh, of course.
Paul Goodman
Not going to offer my Healing Hands on any kids.
Jen Blundell
Oh no, I wasn’t suggesting that.
Paul Goodman
Oh, okay.
Jen Blundell
I just think you’re weird.
Paul Goodman
Well, if being the agent of good makes me weird, then I guess I’m just a weird old dog.
Jen Blundell
Doesn’t matter how many times you say “dog” around yourself, I’m not gonna call you J Dog.
Paul Goodman
What if I say like “dawwg”? [laughter]
Jen Blundell
No, no, that’s even less likely.
Paul Goodman
All right. Well, this isn’t the reason I squeezed through your incredibly narrow doorframe. Look, Margaret. What’s the name of our band?
Jen Blundell and Paul Salt
The Justyce Loving Friends.
Paul Goodman
No, hey, thanks so much, Bleugh, but actually I was asking Margaret.
Paul Salt
Forgive me. And Bleugh continues to not exist in this scene. [laughter]
Jen Blundell
The Justyce Loving Friends.
Paul Goodman
The Justyce Loving Friends. That’s right. Now, do you think it’s justice that Master Dewclaw, sweet Master Dewclaw, is imprisoned in somewhere like Beaton with nary a friend to post his bail?
Jen Blundell
He’s got three willing friends happy to go.
Paul Goodman
But it’s not the same, Margaret. You know how it goes on one of these adventures. We complement each other.
Jen Blundell
Jump, I know it’s not the same.
Paul Goodman
We need you, Margaret.
Jen Blundell
I know that! But the fact is, things have changed. I can’t just up sticks and go away for six weeks any more.
Paul Goodman
Look, I know things have changed. And he stands up straight and sort of emphasises the paunch.
Jen Blundell
Cannot stand up straight in this house, must remind you of that.
Paul Salt
He sticks his head through the fucking ceiling. Hey, kids. [Laughter]
Paul Goodman
Go back to sleep, oooh it’s a dream. [Laughter] He stands up straight by which I mean, he stands at a 90 degree angle.
Jen Blundell
Really makes the gut hang out.
Paul Goodman
Look, I would be lying if I said that I was up to this, that I was still a spring chicken. But sometimes in life, you think about the opportunities that you missed. And not just the opportunity to go on an adventure with your friends but the opportunity to do the right thing. And you have beautiful, amazing kids, one of whom probably has a really promising career as a paladin ahead of him. But if they ask you what happened when we went to post the bail on our sweet sweet radical friend, Master Dewclaw, what could you say to them? I’m gonna roll charisma. Gonna roll persuasion.
Jen Blundell
Can I do a charisma save?
Sara Keep
Yes.
Jen Blundell
What you get, Paulie Boy?
Paul Goodman
A 15.
Jen Blundell
I saved with an 18. Eat my blue vase!
Paul Goodman
Oh?
Jen Blundell
Penis.
Paul Goodman
Oh, I thought that was another thing about your engorged vagina. [Laughter] Look, I know when I’ve failed.
Jen Blundell
Jump, I appreciate it. Look, I really do. Problem is, it’s just… it’s not about me any more, is it? I appreciate you want me to join and I really, I really do like… it’s nice that you’d still like me with you. But I’ve got to, you know, think of the others, the wee ones.
Paul Goodman
Jump, who’s squeezing back through the doorframe into the garage, he stops and says, Yeah, your kids, they’re good kids. I think it is just about you. And he goes into the garage.
Paul Salt
We used to be your little ones. [Laughter]
Jen Blundell
You’ll always be my little one, Bleugh. Because you’re shorter than I am. And that’s rare.
Paul Goodman
Going back into the garage, I look up and force a bright smile into my face and say, Yeah, she said yeah, of course. First thing tomorrow morning she said.
Paul Salt
Wow. An unlikely outcome I thought, but very well received Should we go and celebrate with Margaret the commencement of our new journey?
Paul Goodman
She’s got to say goodnight to her kids. And goodbye for six weeks. So, you know, we’ve got our own prep to do, we’ve got a long journey ahead, a lot of incredible creativity sessions ahead of us. Night after night on the road, lyrics, music, ale…
Paul Salt
I shall go and patch- patch? I shall go and patch my parchment.
Paul Goodman
I got some praying to do.
Nell Heald
I’ll go and pack.
Sara Keep
So, you all depart 32 Pudding Road and head back to your respective homesteads with some preparations to do. Bleugh, what are you getting ready for your six-week journey?
Paul Salt
Bleugh returns to the small hut that was constructed for him by the groundskeep of this park, a fairly, you know, simple structure. And he goes inside and he opens up a box at the foot of his little bed, which contains his longbow and his sai. And he takes out the sai and does a little twiddle, a little weird spinning thing that he’s got. It looks kind of fancy, but also he drops one of them. And he has to, he has to pick it up. And he tests out the stretchiness of his bow and the string breaks. And so, he just, sort of, sets about his desk and starts to thread another.
Sara Keep
Do you have any ties other than the four friends in your former adventuring party?
Paul Salt
Oh, he does. Yes.
Jen Blundell
Kevin.
Paul Salt
[laughs] There’s Kevin but he leaves a note for Kevin on his door, cancelling the tea. He then writes a letter to the… I think maybe he had like spoken poetry evenings that he would go to which were well attended by the hipsters of this town.
Sara Keep
Yeah, like at a coffee tavern.
Paul Salt
Yes, he writes a letter to the coffee tavern, apologising for his absence. Turning over, he then writes Pos-si-bi-li-ties. [snorts of laugher] One. [laughs] Await on the road, unknown. Sparkling dew, my friend. And he seals it up. He does it very demurely, sort of folding over and then his crazy tongue comes out and slaps it in order to seal it shut. [Laughter and gross out noises] And, yeah, he packs up some parchment. Or excuse me, he patches some parchment. And then, yeah, he heads out. Does he head out? Or does he go to the and wait until morning?
Sara Keep
Yeah, morning feels like a better shot.
Paul Salt
Okay, he goes to bed.
Sara Keep
You’ve got all your affairs in order. It didn’t take that long. Your commitments are more to…
Paul Salt
The craft. Which is coming with him.
Sara Keep
Yeah, exactly, and easy to leave for six weeks.
Paul Salt
Oh, yeah. Oh, and he turns the heating off. [Laughter] Not making that fucking mistake again.
Nell Heald
Yeah, good thinking.
Sara Keep
Yeah, cancel your newspaper subscription so they don’t pile up. And then everyone will know you’re out and they’ll come and rob your hut.
Paul Salt
Oh, fuck.
Paul Goodman
The letter he writes, is it in his native language? So, it’s just [incomprehensible froggy noises] [laughter] And he’s sitting there solemnly in the moonlight.
Paul Salt
Yes. Canonically the owner of the coffee place is also a grung. So… oh, there’s a romance possibility later on. [gasps] But um, yeah, he writes it in his own language. So, when you look at it, it’s just the craziest looking squiggles you’ve ever seen in your life.
Jen Blundell
Oh, can we do a coffee shop spin off episode where it’s that coffee shop and it’s just… just grungs.
Paul Goodman
That’s for the Patreon!
Sara Keep
Yeah, yeah. Oops all grungs at the coffee tavern.
Paul Salt
It’s All Grungs At The Coffee Tavern sounds reasonable podcast name.
Jen Blundell
Long winded.
Paul Salt
It’s long. Yeah. But it’s you know, it’s poetic.
Sara Keep
Morric, what preparations are you doing for your trip?
Nell Heald
Morric has gone home to pack. He’s packed a little saddle bag type thing. He’s put on his leather armour. He’s got his wooden shield, he’s gonna bring his quarterstaff, which is just a very basic plain piece of what looks like a tree branch, but it is a quarterstaff. And he has gathered some of the creatures local to the park and sort of nearby forest area to act as caretakers while he’s away. They’ll just keep things neat. You know, like bring in the fantasy sheep to eat the grass to keep it at a good level. Make sure everybody gets food. Anybody who’s old and can’t source food for themselves, they’ll share it around. So, he just gathers a whole bunch of creatures and talks to them in clicks and noises.
Sara Keep
Yeah, you wander into an open area in the woods and just sit down meditatively. And within a few minutes, you are surrounded by squirrels and rabbits and wolves… one bear…
Nell Heald
Maybe a few lizards?
Sara Keep
Some sheep…
Jen Blundell
Fantasy sheep.
Sara Keep
Fantasy sheep, some lizards.
Paul Salt
Bleugh is there but not awake. [Laughter]
Paul Goodman
[snoring like a frog]
Paul Salt
He never remembers that he comes to these things.
Sara Keep
You speak softly in Firbolg. It is a language that can be understood by most animals. Can you roll an animal handling check for me?
Nell Heald
21.
Paul Goodman
Fuck.
Sara Keep
Wow.
Paul Goodman
You touch those animals just right.
Sara Keep
And yet they all comprehend what it is you’re asking of them, and they know you and they know the great service you do for the forest and so they bow and set upon tasks. And you know the woods will be in good hands. And the bear plods over to you, looks down and goes, [in a slow gruff bear voice] I will take apart the mayor, piece by piece. [Laughter]
Jen Blundell
Can we take this bear on the adventure?
Nell Heald
Thank you, my dear. Thank you. Make sure you’re polite when you do but I approve of all actions.
Jen Blundell
[laughing] A polite bear.
Sara Keep
I will be very polite when I maul his face. I will say please and I will say thank you. [Laughter]
Nell Heald
I’m so glad.
Paul Goodman
It’s annoying when Sara makes a character that’s better than any of ours.
Nell Heald
It’s important that you address them in Common, remember, they will only understand the common tongue, we have gone over it.
Sara Keep
Oh, that is a shame that I do not speak Common. So really all they will hear is guttural growls as I attack them.
Nell Heald
I think they will understand, do not worry.
Sara Keep
That is true. I can convey a lot with my facial expressions.
Nell Heald
You have a very emotive face. I trust you. Thank you so much, my dear friend, I will return in six weeks or so.
Sara Keep
May the road be kind to you, Metsa Isa.
Nell Heald
And you, my bear.
Sara Keep
And he pounds off into the woods. And you know everything is in safe hands.
Nell Heald
Safe, safest paws.
Sara Keep
Or paws, safe paws.
Nell Heald
Clawy paws. So safe.
Sara Keep
Jump. What are you doing to prepare for the road ahead?
Paul Goodman
So, Jump gets home and he goes into the bedroom where Arina and Tim, the two other members of his groovy polyamorous relationship, are sleeping. And he goes, There’s no time, Arina and Tim, I’ve got to go on an adventure.
Sara Keep
Huh, what?
Paul Goodman
I’ve been called, heralded you might say.
Sara Keep
Ah.
Paul Goodman
There’s no time to explain. I’ll leave it in a letter on the desk where we first met.
Sara Keep
OK, I mean, you could have just done that without waking us.
Paul Goodman
Hm?
Sara Keep
But if you’re not going to tell us now and you just gonna leave it in a letter, why did you-
Paul Goodman
[interrupting] Farewell, sweet Arina and you, Tim. [laughter] Goodbye forever. Well, no. Old habits die hard, I’ve been doing this a long time. With that he closes the door and strides over to his secret temple to Tyr, which is secret in the sense that there is a tarpaulin over it. For all of his remonstrations that this is past him, he no longer worships Tyr God of Justice, he whisks it apart and it is the most pristine part of the house. His armour is hung up there, it’s gleaming and blood red sigil of scales resting on a warhammer on jet black armour, and he very slowly shoehorns himself into this armour which is a couple of sizes too small for him now. Not the most pliable of materials. Aand taking off his cap and tainted glasses- tainted? And his taint glasses [laughter] and his tinted glasses. This is what D&D is, and this is why I love it. Taints and everything. He takes them off and we get a flash of divine energy just briefly before he slots on the helmet. Jagged with a sort of mesh visor over the eyes, which prevents yeah prevents the divine energy from blazing out. The armour itself is adorned with the odd trophy of vanquished enemies. Teeth and a skull on the shoulder. And once he’s just about fit into this armour, he packs his weapons, which is a flail, a trident which slots on like into a compartment on his back, his priest pack which includes vestments for all those blood sacrifices.
Nell Heald
His priest pack? Ooh.
Paul Goodman
His priest pack, yeah, he is devout, don’t you know, and also a pendant of a skull being crushed by a gauntlet. And he drapes that around his neck and tucks it inside the armour and he clanks out of the house with a final “Farewell, Arina and sweet Timmy!”. And he slams the door.
Sara Keep
As you are about to go out the door Tim leans out the bedroom and goes, If you’re going out, can you pick up some milk?
Paul Goodman
I’ll carve the reminder in blood on my wrist. And I’ll be back.
Paul Salt
[imitating Jump] Sweet Tim, as beautiful as the day I met you at that desk.
Paul Goodman
No, I met Arina at the desk.
Paul Salt
[laughing] I thought it was the same desk.
Paul Goodman
[laughing] The other side of the desk, yeah.
Paul Salt
They were both employed to install the desk in your house.
Paul Goodman
Yeah, and he saw Arina and went, Oh my god, and by that I mean Tyr of Justice. And then he turned around saw Tim and went, Tim! Of justice. And then that was it.
Paul Salt
Married that day.
Sara Keep
Now, you have dressed yourself in your fine arraignments and left the house with great purpose, not realising that you don’t need to leave until the morning. What do you do? [Laughter]
Paul Goodman
Jump, he leaves the house in a sort of march and very purposeful, and after about 10 minutes, he kind of realizes, Oh, I don’t quite know where I’m going. But I will trust in the guidance of Tyr God of Justice and keep just keep walking and it just so happens that he ends up outside Margaret’s house. And once he gets there, he stands vigil, stands sentinel, I guess, outside Margaret’s house and doesn’t move.
Sara Keep
What a sinister image. [Laughter] Margaret, Joan comes home a little bit later from town and you hear the kids being rowdy. They’ve run up the stairs to their bedrooms, they’re probably not going to go to sleep for a bit, they’re going to play the… spell games, they’re like video games, but you use spells to make them happen. [giggling]
Jen Blundell
Sounds about right.
Sara Keep
Sounds about right, right? There’s no one to tell me that’s not how that works.
Jen Blundell
Yeah. Mage Hand. Minor Illusion.
Sara Keep
Spell games.
Paul Goodman
Immortal Kombat. They’ve got the blood spell.
Paul Salt
Yeah, just Mage Hand and a little illusion. Next thing you know, Grand Theft Auto.
Sara Keep
Magic.
Jen Blundell
Every so often, I walk in and I look through the door and I’m like, You better only be playing Spyro. [Laughter]
Paul Goodman
We hate those realistic games, Mum! [Laughter]
Paul Salt
I don’t like history games.
Sara Keep
Now is that your draconic ancestor?
Jen Blundell
[laughing] Spyro?
Paul Salt
Yeah, the sassy dragon.
Paul Goodman
[laughing] Is it a text adventure adventure that you, Margaret, made about your ancestor and insist that your kids play?
Paul Salt
Now, was Spyro the Dragon northern or was that from the other side of the family?
Jen Blundell
Yeah, the whole Battlehammer line, strongly Lancashire. Fantasy Lancashire.
Sara Keep
Fantasy Lancashire.
Paul Salt
We did establish it was your father’s side that was… that your mum fucked a dragon, I believe was the phrase that was said in the prep.
Jen Blundell
Yeah. I think I might have said that at one point.
Paul Salt
That sounds like something I’ve said.
Jen Blundell
On my character sheet, I haven’t been quite as specific. But definitely something I may have said in our session zero.
Paul Salt
[laughing] I’m pretty sure.
Sara Keep
But yeah, where does Joan find you within the house?
Jen Blundell
She’s just doing some chores around the place. She’s just, you know, it’s that endless cycle of, there’s always some washing up to do. It’s probably washing up. That seems to be my actual life. So it would make sense that my fantasy character would also do that.
Sara Keep
Yeah. Joan comes and says, Hey, hun. How was the, how was the rest of band practice?
Jen Blundell
Oh, yeah, it we’re, it we’re grand. How we’re the… professional musicians, how are the bards?
Sara Keep
Oh, well, you know, they weren’t as good as you guys. But it was it was still a lovely time. We still, you know, still a nice time out with the kids.
Jen Blundell
I love you, Joanie.
Sara Keep
Oh, are you-? I love you too, I love you too. What…?
Jen Blundell
It’s er… You’re, we’re good together, what we have, isn’t? It’s just…
Sara Keep
What’s wrong?
Jen Blundell
No, it’s just, you just, er, I’m just appreciating you. You know, just expressing some, you know… I know we’ve been married for a little while now. So I just want to make sure you know, we’ve got… it. Still.
Sara Keep
I always know that.
Jen Blundell
Good. Well, then I’m doing my job right. Great.
Sara Keep
What’s brought this on? Something’s wrong, I can tell.
Jen Blundell
Oh, no, no, it’s just… it’s just, you’re so supportive of the band. Just… I really appreciate it. You’re just everything… Everything a dwarf could ask for.
Sara Keep
She walks over and she clasps your hand. And she brings it up and kisses it, looks you in the eyes and goes, What aren’t you telling me?
Jen Blundell
Oh, it’s just… I’m… Yeah, I can’t hide anything from you. Can I? The fact is… I am not going to be able to take the kids swimming on Thursday because I have to do another band practice. And I knew you’d be a bit upset, I know that’s one of my jobs. So I thought, oh, let’s just butter her up. And then it’ll be all right. But you rumbled me.
Sara Keep
I need you to roll a deception check which you are is unfortunately skilled.
Paul Goodman
Is it a disadvantage because Jump is standing outside? [Laughter]
Nell Heald
Do they know that he’s standing outside?
Jen Blundell
I’ve definitely closed all the curtains.
Nell Heald
OK. [Laughter]
Jen Blundell
Ooh, I rolled a 19 plus two. Sorry.
Sara Keep
Yeah, Joan believes you. And she goes, Oh, yeah. You know, like, we have to be flexible, like, plans change and things come up. And we can’t just stick to the rigid schedule all the time but doesn’t mean I’ll be mad at you. I wouldn’t be upset at you about something like that.
Jen Blundell
Oh, I know. You’re more than I deserve.
Sara Keep
No, don’t-
Jen Blundell
[interrupting] Oh, it were just a joke. Just as little, you know, banter… And I give her a little kiss, and I’m like, I’m gonna take the bins out, okay? And I go out the front.
Nell Heald
And see a resplendent Jump with his belly outside of his armour.
Sara Keep
Yeah, you see two glowing white eyes and the darkness of the street.
Paul Salt
[imitating Jump] I knew you wouldn’t let us down! You’ve come with your trusty bag of rubbish.
Paul Goodman
Hark! No time to lose, Maggie, there’s nare three hours before sunrise.
Jen Blundell
Yeah… Er… You can’t stand out here. Look, Jump, I know what you’re doing.
Paul Goodman
What? What am I doing?
Jen Blundell
You’re hanging around outside my house all night. It’s weird!
Paul Goodman
Oh, oh, this is your house!
Jen Blundell
Aye!
Paul Goodman
Oh, I was just following the guidance of Tyr, God of Justice, and he led me here!
Jen Blundell
Mm. Great. Well, can I bring you out some hot chocolate whilst you’re waiting?
Paul Goodman
I would love a hot chocolate.
Jen Blundell
Right. I nipped inside and I make a pair of hot chocolates and I come and stand outside and I hand him one and I’m like-
Paul Salt
Laced with sleeping medication. [Laughter] Both of them.
Paul Goodman
This is like the old times, isn’t it? Do you remember the campfires?
Jen Blundell
[murmurs assent]
Paul Goodman
Drenched in blood and sweat from the battles? We’d sit and decompress and debrief, get it all off our chests, tell some stories of battle and triumph over evil.
Jen Blundell
Aye, it were a magic time.
Paul Goodman
I see what you did there.
Jen Blundell
Oh, yeah. [Laughs]
Paul Goodman
You see? This is brilliant. This is what I’m going to miss on this journey.
Jen Blundell
Mm. Nothing quite like stretching out your legs in front of a fire after a day of slaughtering enemies, is there?
Paul Goodman
Letting the blood dry on the skin and then scraping it off.
Jen Blundell
Feeling the lust for death rushing through your veins.
Paul Goodman
From dawn till dusk.
Jen Blundell
And then again from dusk till dawn! We didn’t stop, did we? We were unstoppable.
Paul Goodman
No way, not if there were night raids. Especially if we were the ones doing the night raids.
Jen Blundell
Aye.
Paul Goodman
Hacking and slashing and “oh no, please!”.
Jen Blundell
Evil don’t sleep, do it?
Paul Goodman
You know what, Maggie, you’re exactly right. That’s exactly what Tyr, God of Justice, says to me. Evil never sleeps, and nor will I. [Sighs]
Jen Blundell
Yeah, it were fun.
Paul Goodman
Well, you’ve got the PTA now, that’s…
Jen Blundell
Aye, and that can be a bit of a bloodbath to, let me tell you!
Paul Goodman
Ah, I ain’t surprised. I would love for you to tell me some stories, I bet they at least equal what we went through 10 years ago.
Jen Blundell
Oh, aye… Yeah, just the other week, we had this debate about whether we should serve the kids chicken nuggets in the canteen, and it got very heated, although now I’m saying it, it maybe is not quite on the same level… But I must say, in the moment, I felt the urge to kill Susan. [Laughter] but I’m proud to say I did not, because we do have a policy of no weapons during PTA.
Paul Goodman
You mean, metaphorically? Because you definitely, literally took her from shoulder.
Jen Blundell
No, I thought they meant metaphorically, first time round. And they made me leave my hammer outside.
Paul Goodman
Oh, see, I thought you would have separated the limbs from the body and then spread them to the four corners of Lower Coastberg.
Jen Blundell
Aye… Generally, I do reserve that mostly for actual gerblins. But, er, Susan probably deserves it!
Paul Goodman
Tell you what, she sounds like a goblin.
Jen Blundell
She can be, she can be at times.
Paul Goodman
She actually sounds pretty evil, I mean, I could, I’d be more than happy to go over there right now. I mean, I’ve got a few hours until sunrise.
Jen Blundell
Um, er, yeah, no, it’s probably not, it’s not quite that bad… But also, still, you know, very exciting, very thrilling stuff, so… just not quite evil. Please, don’t kill Susan.
Paul Goodman
Well, probably, like, it’s probably like a “you had to be there” thing.
Jen Blundell
Oh, yeah, could read the minutes. I can bring them out?
Paul Goodman
Hey, Maggie? I would love that. I’ve got a long journey ahead of the campfire, and when it’s just me and Morric and Bleugh, I think it would be good to have something of you there.
Jen Blundell
Aye, I can… I’ll fetch it for you.
Paul Goodman
Thanks, mate.
Jen Blundell
Oh, you’re welcome. You’re welcome. And then it will be like a little bit of me has gone with you, just out on the road.
Paul Goodman
Yeah, like a little bit, because you’re not actually going to be there.
Jen Blundell
No… You know how it is though. You get it, right? It just wouldn’t be fair.
Paul Goodman
Yeah, you were so convincing when you told me. Can’t argue with that.
Jen Blundell
I was. At least three points more convincing than you were.
Paul Goodman
Yeah, like, comparatively. Three points is about right.
Jen Blundell
Mm.
Paul Goodman
Well, I best get back to staring into the distance and thinking of Tyr.
Jen Blundell
Yeah, just don’t look at the house, okay?
Paul Goodman
But what if he’s behind the house?
Jen Blundell
No, away from the house.
Paul Goodman
He might be behind the house.
Jen Blundell
We don’t have blackout blinds on, okay, and those eyes… Straight through. We’re trying to watch telly.
Paul Goodman
Well, thanks to the hot chocolate.
Jen Blundell
You’re welcome, I’ll just take that…
Paul Goodman
Oh, I haven’t fi- oh, okay.
Jen Blundell
Just sup up, I have to wash it.
Paul Goodman
Yeah, ever the fight against evil. Love it.
Jen Blundell
Aye.
Paul Goodman
All right. See you then.
Jen Blundell
See you.
Paul Salt
And in the background a sleepwalking Bleugh is sweeping the streets under Metsa Isa’s instructions.
Nell Heald
[as if asleep] So many leaves.
Sara Keep
Yeah, Margaret, you go back inside having… deceived your wife.
Jen Blundell
Oh, don’t say deceive.
Nell Heald
Oh, that’s what it was!
Sara Keep
Sorry? Did you did you tell the truth? Or did you lie to her?
Jen Blundell
Mmmm technically I did roll deception. I’d like to think it was more of a white lie but…
Paul Goodman
A little white deception.
Paul Salt
White deception check.
Sara Keep
OK, and that’s fine. And so you go to bed in the same bed as her, knowing that you’re fine. You’re fine, right? You’re fine.
Jen Blundell
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Sara Keep
This is good.
Jen Blundell
This is what she should do.
Sara Keep
And so morning comes, kids are getting ready for school. Joan’s making them lunch. And Carol comes running up to you. And she’s like, Mum?
Jen Blundell
Yeah?
Sara Keep
Why is Uncle Jump stood by the bins?
Jen Blundell
Err… You know how he is, he likes to make sure no one steals our rubbish, innit?
Sara Keep
That has literally never happened. I’ve never…
Jen Blundell
Only because Uncle Jump’s been there.
Sara Keep
Oh. Who’s trying to steal our rubbish?
Jen Blundell
The… forces of evil. Amal… Amal… What’s he teach you in General Studies? The unformed blob of evil. Go on. Go… Go away. [Laughter]
Paul Salt
[imitating Margaret] I tell you what they’re after. It’s those sprouts you didn’t eat. Old people love them. They are trying to get hold of them.
Jen Blundell
Oh, they can smell them when you don’t eat your sprouts. And if you don’t eat your sprouts, you put your whole family in danger.
Sara Keep
Worth it! And then she runs off. [Laughter] Yeah, so, Bleugh and Morric, meet outside Margaret’s house, ready to head off on the long road to Beaton.
Paul Salt
Are you prepared for the journey, compatriots? Although I slept through the night, I can’t help but feel I was awake for many hours doing menial tasks about town. [laughter] But this, I imagine, is all part of the anticipation of the journey.
Paul Goodman
It’s the adventure in life, man. Savour it.
Nell Heald
Did we all bring our instruments?
Paul Salt
Mine is right here. And he gestures towards his big throat sac.
Nell Heald
Excellent.
Sara Keep
One, do you ribbet? And two, when you ribbet, does it inflate?
Paul Salt
He does not ribbet. Very few frogs ribbet. But it does inflate.
Jen Blundell
Schooled.
Sara Keep
All right, Professor Salt. [Laughter] Didn’t realise we had a frog teacher here.
Paul Salt
[laughs] I did my fucking research.
Paul Goodman
Let me ask you a question, Paul. Okay, and going to answer it- All right!! [Laughter] Pretentious!
Sara Keep
[laughs] Listen, I wasn’t expecting him to pull out real life frog facts on me.
Paul Salt
Always expect that of me.
Paul Goodman
If anything has taught you anything.
Paul Salt
But he does have a sac. It doesn’t move when he talks, only when he sings.
Sara Keep
There we go.
Paul Goodman
Aww. A singing sac.
Sara Keep
Bleugh’s singing sac.
Paul Goodman
Yeah, absolutely, mate. I’ve got the shredder right here. And he turns around, and between the trident and the flail, which he has slots for on his back, there is the lute.
Nell Heald
Morric pats his top pocket, just to make sure that the pan pipes, flutes, whatever they are…
Paul Goodman
What, are they sticking out like biros?
Nell Heald
Yeah.
Jen Blundell
Aw.
Paul Salt
I suppose Margaret shall require a great deal of assistance for us to carry her drum kits across the land.
Nell Heald
She might have some little drum pads.
Paul Goodman
Yeah, exactly, because she’s definitely, oh, she’s definitely coming. I can’t wait to see how she’s going to carry those drums. Probably on her back. Because she’s so strong and loyal.
Nell Heald
Should we knock on the door or will she just come out when she’s ready?
Paul Goodman
Pretty sure she’s coming out when she’s ready. And he just looks over your shoulder towards the door.
Paul Salt
Blissful waiting is… the best… joy… one can receive. Aided by friends. Joy. [Laughter]
Paul Goodman
Yeah, man.
Sara Keep
Joan and the kids exit the house and head for the car…t. [laughter]
Paul Goodman
[laughing] Just fucking staring at them.
Sara Keep
And Joan looks over at you quizzically and is like, Oh, hey, guys. Is Margaret having a band practice now, this early?
Paul Goodman
Hah, you bet, Joan. How you doing?
Sara Keep
Good, good. Just taking the kids to school.
Paul Goodman
Good, yeah? Nothing evil?
Sara Keep
What?
Paul Goodman
I’m just joking. That’s a Jump joke.
Sara Keep
[laughing awkwardly] Classic Jump joke. I get it every time.
Paul Goodman
Patented.
Sara Keep
Never not funny.
Paul Goodman
Never know when they’re coming.
Nell Heald
We’re going to be practising our band on the road, Joan. It’s going to be great.
Sara Keep
Oh? Where are you guys going?
Nell Heald
[interrupting Jump] We’re off to bail out Grumpo. I’m sure Margaret has mentioned Grumpo to you before. He’s in jail and he needs a bit of help. So we’re going to go for about 2 to 3 weeks one way to get him out. [Laughter] And then 2 to 3 weeks we’ll come back and be here for the band show.
Paul Goodman
That’s it, after a band practice on this, on this road. This road, now. And then the three of us are going to be going to do the bail thing that Morric just told you about.
Nell Heald
Oh, I did not realise we were doing it on the road now. Let me get my pan flutes out. And he pulls it out of his pocket.
Paul Goodman
Yeah, brilliant.
Nell Heald
Where should I stand? Is here OK?
Paul Goodman
You stand right there, man. You stand right there, my man. You’re doing everything right. You just, you just play your new solo for Joan there, while we wait.
Nell Heald
Okay, are you ready, Joan? [Silence] I’ll take that as a yes. [Laughter]
Sara Keep
Yeah, Joan is trying to process this.
Paul Goodman
Listen to that jive, man.
Sara Keep
Kids, stay in the car…t. [Laughter] I need to go talk to your mother. And Joan turns on her heels and head back to the house.
Paul Salt
My friends, I was busy writing down my last poem and missed that entire interaction. [Laughter] I trust it went as expected? Bertie! It has been ages.
Sara Keep
Can you speak to animals, Bleugh?
Paul Salt
I got a three in animal handling!
Sara Keep
That doesn’t mean you can speak to them.
Paul Salt
Then no. [Laughter]
Nell Heald
He can try and speak to them. Maybe you think you can.
Paul Goodman
Bertie speaks Grung.
Paul Salt
I’ve got a… I’ve got a water dependency? I don’t know if that’s… [Laughter] And apparently a game of dragon chess on me, so…
Sara Keep
Roll animal handling to see how well Bertie responds to you.
Nell Heald
Can Bertie even see you? You’re so small. Careful she doesn’t stand on you.
Paul Salt
It’s always the first obstacle I face. That’s a 17.
Sara Keep
Okay. Bertie lowers their head in order to be closer to you. But you know not to get that close.
Paul Salt
Oh yeah. And Bertie knows to after an unfortunate number of incidents.
Sara Keep
But within the house, Joan comes in and shouts, Margaret! Margaret.
Jen Blundell
Aye? Oh, which one of them has, what have they left? I bet it’s their sports kits. I’ll just go get it. She’s shouting from the other side of the house and then she walks through and sees your face, and she’s like, What’s up? Joan, is everything okay?
Sara Keep
[firmly] Do you want to go?
Jen Blundell
To school? I mean, I can take them, I can do the run if you need to…
Sara Keep
Do you, Margaret Battlehammer, want to go on this adventure?
Jen Blundell
To er… The one to Beaton?
Sara Keep
Yeah. The one to bail out your old friend Grumpo.
Jen Blundell
“Friend” seems… “Companion”, I would maybe say… Really, he was more like an inspirational older figure… Did I ever tell you about that time that we-
Sara Keep
Margaret!
Jen Blundell
Ah, yeah? I just think it’s probably something… I should… I think I owe Grumpo… Maybe… I think, to be honest, I do worry that the others will get in a lot of trouble, you know? Just a kind of steady… To be honest, you’ve seen them, right? Do you think those three can handle themselves on the road?
Paul Salt
Are you going to look out the window to… [Laughter]
Paul Goodman
Jump’s waving.
Paul Salt
Bleugh is licking his own eyeballs.
Jen Blundell
I er… I don’t want to go, obviously. And I thought that they’d be okay. But seeing them again this morning makes me think that maybe I ought to go as a kind of… Just to look after them, you see? Because I’m not sure that they can… They really need a supervisory presence. But if you don’t want me to go, I won’t go. And I wasn’t going to. So… It’s… Really it’s up to… Whatever you think, Joan.
Sara Keep
You can’t put this on me, Margaret. I don’t want to be the thing that stands between you and the things you want to do. If you are not feeling fulfilled here-
Jen Blundell
Joan, I never said that. I never said that! I just think… You know I don’t feel that way. I just think maybe I ought to go and just… Help them out. Just this one time. Then I promise I’ll do the morning school run and the evening school run every day for the next six month. And you know how much I love you. And you really are wonderful. And I just think, maybe… I really don’t want them to die on the road or get lost. I don’t even think they’ve got a map with them.
Sara Keep
[in a steady voice] It is okay. It is fine. If this is a thing you feel you need to do, I’m not going to stand in your way.
Jen Blundell
Great… Can I roll insight? [Dice roll] 18.
Sara Keep
She isn’t… She’s a little upset but it’s more the situation of it. That you didn’t feel like you could talk about this as partners. It’s that you tried to hold this back and hide it from her. And she feels bad that that’s how you’ve felt you had to be around her.
Jen Blundell
Oh, that’s even more brutal. [Dramatic gasp] In the heart.
Paul Goodman
I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Jen Blundell
Oh, don’t…
Paul Goodman
I’m very disappointed. And sad.
Jen Blundell
Right, well er… I mean, okay, if that’s all right with you, then I guess I’ll just grab a couple of things and just off the old battlehammer. TM. [Giggling]
Sara Keep
Go say goodbye to the kids first because the be late for school.
Jen Blundell
Okay, sure. And as I’m passing I go to give her a little peck on the cheek. It’s tentative.
Sara Keep
She reciprocates.
Jen Blundell
Oh, okay.
Sara Keep
You know, hurt as she may be, she still loves you, and she’s not going to leave it on the sourest of notes.
Jen Blundell
And I pop outside and I say bye to my sprogs… my spawn.
Sara Keep
Some of them are happy, some of them are sad. It’s a mixed bag with kids and their ages.
Jen Blundell
Miscellaneous children, I must travel.
Sara Keep
Miscellaneous children of miscellaneous ages.
Jen Blundell
I feel fondly of all of you but especially you. And I stare off into the middle distance.
Paul Goodman
At their foreheads.
Paul Salt
Goodbye, the children.
Jen Blundell
And I run inside and grab a couple of things and my hammer.
Sara Keep
By the time you get back out, Joan has driven the cart off to school.
Nell Heald
Whatever happens, Margaret can’t die on this campaign. Because I’ll die myself. She must go back.
Paul Salt
I would make a similar offer, but I have five precious years left to live. [Laughter]
Jen Blundell
[laughing] I forgot.
Sara Keep
Oh yes, I don’t think we’ve established that Bleugh is 45 and grungs live to a ripe old age of 50.
Paul Goodman
At best.
Paul Salt
To have only achieved level 3 is really quite galling at this stage in my life. [Laughter] It is something I anticipate improving greatly. But never mind that. Margaret! It is an honour to receive your arrival that was anticipated by all of us. And expected.
Jen Blundell
You’re welcome.
Paul Salt
Your totally expected arrival.
Jen Blundell
Aye, yep, good. I was going to come all along, I guess. Just had to even some details out.
Paul Salt
Of course. I myself had much undertakings. Cut to that other grung opening the letter. [Laughter]
Everyone
[imitating froggy Grung speech]
Paul Salt
She lays it down and looks poignantly into the distance and says, Bleukh.
Jen Blundell
So, err… That’s it. We’re hitting the road.
Paul Goodman
You bet your flip we are. There’s just one thing we need to do before we go. And Jump puts a hand in the middle of all of us.
Paul Salt
[laughing apprehensively] Umm…
Paul Goodman
Come on, just like the old days.
Jen Blundell
[laughing] Which one of us has poison immunity?
Paul Salt
Bleugh extends his tongue to the middle.
Nell Heald
I can put my hand underneath Bleugh’s because I’m sure that I am probably immune.
Paul Goodman
Jump also has poison immunity.
Paul Salt
I thought you had disease immunity?
Paul Goodman
Yeah…
Paul Salt
Going to have to look into that.
Sara Keep
Oh yeah, disease is different to poison, you cheeky motherfucker.
Paul Goodman
So, as we do this, Jump goes, Oh shit. [Laughter]
Paul Salt
I’ve angered God again.
Sara Keep
Absolutely, tummy trouble comes back for the road.
Nell Heald
I sandwich Bleugh’s hands between two of mine.
Paul Salt
Glad departings ho.
Paul Goodman
[desperately] Okay.
Paul Salt
A friend in need of bailing out.
Paul Goodman
[desperately] Yep, yep.
Paul Salt
The road the best sesh.
Paul Goodman
All right, quickly, because I do need to go to the bathroom before I go.
Paul Salt
There are six more stanzas.
Jen Blundell
Everyone make sure you use the toilet, because we’re not stopping once we get going, all right?
Nell Heald
Oh gosh, OK.
Jen Blundell
I don’t want to hear it five minutes down road that you needed a piss.
Paul Salt
I do not know if my kind excrete.
Nell Heald
Do you need help to remove your armour, J?
Paul Goodman
Mostly just go in it once I’m on the road.
Nell Heald
Oh.
Paul Goodman
Margaret, come on, we’re missing a hand.
Jen Blundell
Oh yeah, my hand’s in, my hand’s in. And she lays it down on top with a little sparkle in her eye.
Paul Goodman
OK. What are we? says Jump.
Paul Salt and Paul Goodman
[in unison] The Justyce Loving Friends!
Jen Blundell
The Power Rangers!
Nell Heald
[slowly in Morric’s voice] The Justyce Loving Friends.
Paul Goodman
Yeah! That’s it. That’s the spirit. Flip yeah. I’ll be back in a minute. And he goes off and does a poo, but he’s just standing in his suit about 20 m away. [Laughter]
Sara Keep
And after what is certainly more than a minute, an uncomfortable amount of time – you all have to have the most benign small talk in the hope of blocking out the noises – Jump comes back.
Paul Salt
Hey, I just googled whether or not frogs poop.
Sara Keep
All right, Frog Professor, didn’t you already know?
Paul Salt
Well, no, I didn’t already know, but I did do some research and AGHHHH!
Paul Goodman
Oh my god!
Nell Heald
Oooh wow… What the fuck.
Jen Blundell
Oh lord.
Sara Keep
Hey, Frog Professor, this is an audio medium.
Paul Salt
Yeah, it’s fine, we’ll cut this. I didn’t necessarily intend this be included in the podcast.
Sara Keep
Oh, I did, Frog Professor.
Paul Salt
Oh, I should explain it then, it’s like he’s got a third leg.
Paul Goodman
Yeah.
Paul Salt
It was nasty as fuck.
Nell Heald
Yeah, I’m good, no.
Paul Salt
Imagine pooping an arm.
Sara Keep
You know what, Paul? Do cut this bit. I have regrets. [Laughter] Yeah, you are collected, and you are on the same page, and you are ready to head out on your first big adventure in 10 years.
Nell Heald
Woo!
Sara Keep
Your bodies may not be ready, but I think your minds certainly are.
Paul Goodman
[over outro music] Quest fantastic is Jen Blundell as Margaret Battlehammer, Nell Heald as Morric, Paul Salt as Bleugh, Paul Goodman as Jump Fundenden and Sara Keep as everyone else. Story by Sara Keep, music and editing by me. Thank you so much for listening to our pilot. The next episode is out in two weeks, as usual, and our heroes are starting the long and dangerous road to Beaton. The campaign, much like the pilot, is titled “Thanks for Everything, Grumpo Dewclaw”. We were blown away by how many people got in touch to say they liked the show. We all worked really hard on this and it means so much to us that you guys are connecting with it. So, thanks for everything, Grumpo Dewclaw, to you too. And if you are one of those people, then we need you badly. Word-of-mouth is absolutely the best way of getting our name out there, so if you like the show, tell a friend, leave us a review, spread the word on social media, make friends of the dog the face of a baby and tell them the lore of Quest Fantastic, then you grow older together and become very good friends. Jen has been hard at work producing transcripts for our episodes, and there’s now a dedicated site for those, along with all our social media links and hopefully more soon. Thanks, Jen! If you want more from us, Jen and Sara host the queer actual play podcast Roll Plus Heart, where they play a whole host of short length TTRPGs. Paul Salt is film boss for Screen Mayhem and hosts the podcast. Jen and the Film Critic with alpha figure Jen Blundell. Salt and I host the podcast One Good Thing, where we find good things in bad movies and recommend better ones, because we’re nice like that. All other links and handles are in the episode description. The next episode is coming out on Thursday, 10th February, so we’ll see you all then for another fantastic quest… fantastic. Bye!