Episode 3. The Empty Cart

Written By Paul Goodman

Episode 3 - The Empty Cart


Jen Blundell

One, two, three, four!


Paul Salt

Mmm, haiku time again. Welcome, listener, to the next vital recap of our juicy tale.

Called to adventure,

Margaret dithers rightly

But compelled by wife


Friends bidden farewell.

A forest revolution

Begun in earnest.


[Intro music]


Sara Keep

It’s ten years ago and you are gathered around a campfire, bruised and bloodied. Along the road from Lower Coastberg, you were ambushed by a group of bandits who put up a hell of a fight, but were ultimately defeated. And so now, as the night draws in, you sit and recuperate by the fire.


Paul Goodman

I’m telling you this, there’s nothing quite like it -


Jen Blundell

Oh, no.


Paul Goodman

- says Jump as he scrapes the blood off of, uh, various parts of armor. You know, for a second there I thought they were going to give us some trouble.


Jen Blundell

Oh, no, we had that one in the bag. We always do.


Paul Goodman

[Sigh] Hey, do you guys remember when I took out my trident and stabbed that guy through the chin?


Jen Blundell

I do.


Paul Goodman

And his chin went inward.


Jen Blundell

I do.


Nell Heald

No.


Jen Blundell

I was looking right at it. It were beautiful.


Paul Goodman

He was a sprayer, I’ll tell you that.


Jen Blundell

Oh, that’s the best ones! And did you see the bit where I- I smashed in that guy’s head with me hammer? Just right in. Caved. Caved like a little egg.


Paul Goodman

You know what? I did and I was so dang jealous about it, I was going to pretend you were evil just so I could get my vengeance. [Chuckles] That’s a Jump joke. That was a joke.


Jen Blundell

That was a good joke.


Paul Goodman

Cause you’re such a good fighter and I’m so glad that you’re with me on this journey, Maggie.


Jen Blundell

Yeah, ditto. Who did you murder, Bleurgh?


Paul Salt

Fiends befell heroes

A chance to prove our talent.

I hit them with an ax.


I’m not even good at that. I just got lucky.


Jen Blundell

That’s all it takes.


Paul Goodman

Yay, that was a good roll earlier on, mate. You must have really rolled with that is what I think I was trying to say. Morric, I see you over there looking pretty calm, you must have killed a few on your way.


Nell Heald

Oh? Yes… ye- yes.


Paul Goodman

Oh, right, okay.


Jen Blundell

Go on.


Paul Goodman

I mean, I definitely saw him take down two or three evildoers.


Jen Blundell

Oh yeah, tell us about the viscera and the guts and- and the glory.


Paul Goodman

Yeah, what did it- what was it like? How did it feel? How’d it weigh?


Nell Heald

Well, I’m processing.


Paul Goodman

That’s alright. It’s a lot. Tell me this Morric, you ever murdered anyone before?


Nell Heald

Yes.

Paul Goodman

Look, take it from me. These guys were super, super [vessel of Tyr voice] evil.


Nell Heald

I believe you, J.


Paul Goodman

That’s alright. I cast Detect Good and Evil, I can tell you definitely, 99% of those, pure evil. There’s 1% probability of error, but you don’t want to look into that too much.


Nell Heald

Why?


Paul Goodman

Because it’s evil, Morric. Oh, guys, do you remember when I cut someone in half so hard with my fail -


Jen Blundell

I do.

Paul Goodman

- that he just sprayed blood all over all of us? Every single one of us.


Jen Blundell

Oh yeah, that were easy to understand and comprehend and I’m not going to think too much about anything else.


Paul Goodman

You know what? It’s times like this you’re just glad that evil is evil and… evil is evil.


Jen Blundell

And life is simple and we have each other. Adventuring, on the road.


Paul Salt

Yes, the savage slaughter of those clearly desperate young men will surely be a great source of pride for us all for years to come.


Jen Blundell

Absolutely.


Sara Keep

Back in the present, you find yourself on the outskirts of town at the edge of the Wild Eye Woods, your journey beginning once again.


Paul Goodman

I’m not particularly good with an ax, but then I hit this guy in the face with it, and then I wrote a haiku about it, I think.


Paul Salt

I remember, I was holding the ax at the time. You were swinging me at the enemies. I thought that we made a profoundly efficient team.


Jen Blundell

I’m pretty certain I did- I did some good stuff, too. I mean, probably with me hammer. It’s usually with the hammer. Sometimes with the fists. Yeah. Yeah, we did slaughter them all, didn’t we?


Paul Goodman

Oh, we absolutely did. I seem to remember you doing something so grotesque, so inhumane to these pure evil villains that I definitely wanted to vomit. But I didn’t, because it was a fight against evil.


Jen Blundell

Mmm, and we were tough, tough warriors. It was, uh- we lived it fast and loose back then, eh? Fast and loose, the high jinks that we got into.


Paul Goodman

That’s the way when you’re fighting evil.


Jen Blundell

I remember you, Morric, tearing absolute head- I- just heads straight off bodies. Just straight off.


Nell Heald

I do what I can.


Paul Goodman

I’ve seen the plays they made about that day, Morric. Do you know who the lead is, other than me? It’s definitely you.


Nell Heald

It’s me? I didn’t realize I was in a play.


Paul Goodman

No doubt they’re still singing tales of our conquest on the road today, so if we come across it later on, perhaps completely a chance depending on how God’s feeling, we will definitely sit down and watch it.


Nell Heald

Was I good?


Paul Goodman

Well, the- you know, the- the performers change from production to production, so there’s definitely- definitely depends on the person and definitely the director, but I would say on a whole the story, you know, outweighs the need for a decent performance.


Nell Heald

Yes, yes, I do remember this now, plays. We didn’t have those in the woods. At least, [whispering] as far as I know.


Paul Goodman

They- no one- like you get in with all the animals, but none of them invited you to the plays that they’ve put on.


Jen Blundell

The dark theater ring.


Nell Heald

They didn’t know, they- they just thought we were a little bit simple. We wouldn’t have understood. We are a simple folk, the humans. You know, they’re like “eh, let’s- let’s not burden them with this- this art.”


Sara Keep

Yeah.


Paul Salt

We felt it would be gauche.


Sara Keep

Badger theater is just beyond firbolg comprehension.


Jen Blundell

Mind blowing.


Nell Heald

Yes, badger- definitely badger theater.


Paul Goodman

It’s like Annette. (6:00-6:01)


Nell Heald

They’re like the known sort of artists of the woodland realm.


Paul Goodman

BIt foppish, though.


Jen Blundell

But all they do is Pinter shit. It’s just very hard to sit through.


Nell Heald

The real classy ones wear, like, little vests and shit.


Paul Goodman

Then they Pinterest it. It’s gotten a bit hollow.


Nell Heald

Oh, yeah. It’s- yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s lost its charm.


Jen Blundell

We turned on badgers quick. Practicing their art. Fuck ‘em.


Nell Heald

Thirty seconds ago we loved them.


Paul Goodman

That’s how culture works.


Sara Keep

“Waiting for Godot” was, uh, just-


Jen Blundell

Much better with badgers?


Sara Keep

- too high concept.


Nell Heald

Waiting for Badgot.


Jen Blundell

Waiting for Badgot. Have they made that in Australia already?


Nell Heald

We don’t have badgers.


Jen Blundell

The one animal you don’t have.


Nell Heald

Waiting for Dingo


Paul Goodman

At least we’ve got snakes, loads and loads of snakes.


Paul Salt

Our journey resumes

New memories in tow. Rem-

Iniscence occurs


Nell Heald

Rem… iniscence.


Jen Blundell

Good. Good work.


Sara Keep

Well, as you proceed further into the woods, Morric, you spot a group of ragged possums skittering out from the undergrowth, crossing the path ahead of you, dragging with them a woodcutter’s ax. The one at the front stops and takes a defensive position before looking up at you and slowly blinking asymmetrically.


Jen Blundell

Weird.


Paul Salt

I don’t see anything weird about it.


Nell Heald

Hello, little friends. Why do you have an ax, little friends?


Sara Keep

[As a possum] We’re taking apart the warren.


Nell Heald

Oh, oh! Wait. Shay’s warren?


Sara Keep

[As a possum] The construction team at the warren, we’re stopping them.


Nell Heald

Ohh, you’re stopping the construction team. Oh, that’s fantastic. Oh, I’m so pleased. I thought you were joining them. Whew. Do you have-


Sara Keep

[As a possum] No. We’ll take them apart.


Nell Heald

Do you have- Is one ax enough?


Sara Keep

[As a possum] We stole this.


Nell Heald

I’m so pleased with your efforts. Do you want stones or sticks? I can assist with more weapons. Ax is probably the best, though.


Paul Goodman

I can hear you talking about weapons, Morric. Uh, I can lend a trident, if they want.


Nell Heald

That might be a bit big, J. Uh, how- Little friends, would you be able to carry a trident?


Sara Keep

We can try


Nell Heald

They can try, J. Would you like to hold it out to them?


Paul Salt

My friends, I’ve been listening carefully to Metsa Isa’s side of this conversation and from it I can infer that we have encountered a small band of eco-terrorists. I believe it would be in our interest to support them as best we can.


Nell Heald

That is correct, Bleurgh.


Paul Goodman

Yeah, I was going to cast detect good and evil, but I can see these guys are definitely going to be on the right side of history, so- he goes to take out his trident and he goes- although, this is part of my promise to Tyr, God of Justice, to deliver justice to evil.


Nell Heald

Do you have a small, squirrel sized trident? A blade? A fork?


Paul Goodman

I probably have a very small knife as part of my pack.


Nell Heald

A fork, yes, yes. A fork?


Paul Goodman

And he looks around and he finds a stick and he goes, Yeah, this- this is the weapon that is going to bring down the system, little friends. And I give them a stick.


Sara Keep

And one of the possums in the back of the group snatches it in its gnarly little muzzle. And then shakes her head in what looks like quite rabid a movement, but you can tell is excitement at this gift.


Paul Goodman

Yeah, that is a holy stick. I promise you that.


Sara Keep

[As a possum] Alright. To war! And they skitter back off into the undergrowth.


Nell Heald

Good luck, possum friends. Remember to go for the mayor’s eyes.


Paul Salt

Are any of us able to enchant them before they reach their destination as they run away from us?


Paul Goodman

Are we just going to burn our spell slots on buffing these possums?


Paul Salt

Yes.


Nell Heald

Okay, okay, I’ve got-


Paul Salt

I feel it would be a great use of - in a broader context, our actions saving Grumpo Dewclaw will mean little if the environment is destroyed.


Nell Heald

That’s true.


Jen Blundell

Uh, not, not-


Paul Salt

I don’t know if you’ve read any of these pamphlets written by Magical Al Gore, but it’s really-


Jen Blundell

Oh, yes, I’ve seen them.


Paul Salt

- quite something.


Paul Goodman

He’s different than Fantasy Al Gore, though, right? They’re two different people, it’s very confusing.


Jen Blundell

Very confusing.


Paul Salt

And they oppose each other in every action.


Jen Blundell

It’s a constant battle.


Paul Salt

The f- the battle between the two fantasy Al Gores is a very inconvenient reality.


Paul Goodman

Al Gore is a really good fantasy name.


Sara Keep

Al Gore, yeah, if you just say it quick enough as one name.


Paul Goodman

Yeah.


Jen Blundell

Algore.


Sara Keep

Algore.


Nell Heald

Not separated, just one word. Algore.


Paul Goodman

[In a Russian accent] The writings of Algore.


Nell Heald

[Whispered] Algore.


Paul Salt

It sounds like fantasy, just like his bullshit about global warming.


Paul Goodman

Yeah, that’s right, left.


Sara Keep

You hear crickets in the undergrowth.


Paul Salt

Thought it was funnier than that.


Sara Keep

Just giving you some flavor. It was unrelated.


Nell Heald

Hello, crickets.


Paul Goodman

I wondered if you were going to reintroduce a new set of eco-warriors that were going to come out and support something also terrible.


Nell Heald

Eco-warriors, eco-warriors.


Paul Goodman

Hey, these crickets sound pretty interesting, like they’ve got some agenda. And I go up to the bush and go, hey mates, how’s it going? What are you hoping to achieve today?


Sara Keep

Uh, you just hear the chirping of them rubbing their legs together.


Paul Salt

I’m prepared to give them my only weapon.


Nell Heald

They’re saying they will be in charge of the- what are those things called, where you put a rock in it and then you fling it?


Paul Goodman

Trebuchet.


Nell Heald

That’s it. The crickets are in charge of the trebuchets.


Paul Goodman

Oh, nice. Yeah, these guys are good. These guys are cool, he says, leaning away from the bush.


Nell Heald

Yes, let them prepare, J. They’ve got lots to work to do.


Paul Goodman

I’ll leave you lot with it. Peace, peace be with you.


Jen Blundell

Not to be a- not to be a bore here, Morric, but can you explain what’s going on for those of us who don’t speak any, er, animal?


Nell Heald

Well, you see, Margaret, there- there are- this is to help- do you remember my friend Shay? Have you ever met Shay, my little rabbit friend?


Jen Blundell

Er, yes, probably. Did he come to the picnic that you know, last summer?


Nell Heald

Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Wearing a little polkadot hat. Do you remember?


Jen Blundell

Oh, yes. That were cute.


Nell Heald

Yes, yes, she was there, yes. Uh, the mayor and his, uh, henchmen? Is that what you call them?


Jen Blundell

Uh, colleagues, maybe. Staff?


Nell Heald

Colleagues, colleagues. They’re trying to destroy Shay’s warren, which is very not okay, and we’ve given them some powers. The bear, my friend Bear, is going to tear the mayor to pieces. And then those little possum friends that we just saw-


Paul Salt

Wait, let me write this down.


Nell Heald

It’s all in the name of justice. You know how it is. Shay’s warren cannot be destroyed. There’s so many families living there.


Jen Blundell

I get that.


Nell Heald

The mayor is a disgusting person.


Jen Blundell

I get that. I get that.


Paul Goodman

Huh. That- I mean, that mayor pushed for free education for all the kids.


Nell Heald

No he didn’t.


Paul Goodman

Oh.


Sara Keep

Some classic no, and-ing there from Nell.


Paul Goodman

Well, well look. Well, well look. I’m-


Jen Blundell

Fuck you, Paul. You and your ideas.


Paul Goodman

I’m not- I’m not a- Yeah, but we’re- we’re pros, yes, so we just work, we work through it. Yeah, look. That’s really not what I was expecting to hear, Morric, but, look, a friend of mine can’t be evil, and I wouldn’t dare disagree with them. Unless I thought they were wrong, which I don’t.


Nell Heald

Oh, oh no, J. I’m sorry. I’m- I’m not- You maybe have more- You work at the school, J. You probably know. I know this from- from, uh, Deer. Deer told me there was no education for the children. I’m not sure how wise, or in the know, Deer is.


Jen Blundell

Deer gets all his information off Fantasy Facebook.


Paul Goodman

Deer does seem to have some sort of extreme sociopathic disorder, but-


Nell Heald

Oh, that explains the twitching.


Jen Blundell

Deer is a Q-Anoner.


Paul Goodman

They also hate Lion as much as I do, so, look, I’m willing to go with you on this. If you say the mayor is evil, then if he’s not dead by the time we get back, I may have to [vessel of Tyr voice] kill him myself.


Nell Heald

I’m now having doubts about our plans.


Jen Blundell

I am slightly concerned, also, that we may be about to start a blood war in Lower Coastberg.


Nell Heald

I guess we’ll find out in three weeks time?


Jen Blundell

None of our business, I guess.


Paul Goodman

It’s actually closer to six weeks.


Nell Heald

So, six weeks’ time. Onward.


Jen Blundell

We have got a schedule.


Nell Heald

In the background, there’s all these animals martialing, and just walking through with pitchforks and flames.


Jen Blundell

Flames, pitchforks.


Sara Keep

Yeah, you see they’ve got banners, er, some of them have like a makeshift cage.


Paul Salt

I should be honored to share Lower Coastberg’s day or reckoning.


Nell Heald

Bleugh’s marching with them. He’s already gone.


Sara Keep

But, as interesting as this animal parade is, you know you’ve got places to be.


Paul Goodman

Are we ten meters out of Lower Coastberg?


Nell Heald

Five meters, not even ten.


Paul Salt

We made camp and slept for the night only a few meters away.


Nell Heald

Just outside of Margaret’s driveway.


Sara Keep

Well, as the day moves on and you trek further through the woods, you happen upon a broken cart, ladened down with goods that are tied under a sheet, at the side of the road, being looked at by a gnome merchant. The spokes of the wheel are well and truly cracked and splintered and his horse is nowhere to be seen.


Paul Salt

Oh no.


Jen Blundell

How do?


Paul Goodman

I suspect the horse in this.


Jen Blundell

It’s always the horse.


Paul Goodman

Always the horse, if anything has taught me anything.


Paul Salt

No, the gnome was the horse. He was pulling the cart and he’s murdered the merchant.


Jen Blundell

Oh!


Paul Goodman

Oh my God, this is completely above my head. I think someone else should take charge on this.


Nell Heald

Hello, friend. Is everything okay?


Sara Keep

[As the gnome] Oh, gosh, you’ve come around at the perfect time. Oh, I was taking these goods to Lower Coastberg when the- the- my wheel cracked and my horse, Beauty, got spooked.


Nell Heald

Oh yes? Oh, dear.


Paul Salt

Be careful traveling to Lower Coastberg. A day of terrible reckoning awaits there where there shall be blood in the streets, and a great upheaval.


Jen Blundell

There, there. Don’t- I wouldn’t listen too hard. I think it’ll be fine.


Nell Heald

Yeah, they’ll be okay. The marketplace is safe.


Jen Blundell

So you’re saying your horse is gone?


Sara Keep

[As a gnome] Yes!


Jen Blundell

And your wheels are broken?


Sara Keep

[As a gnome] Yes!


Nell Heald

Oh dear.


Jen Blundell (15:57-15:58)

Oh, that’s a reet  shame, that is. Well, all the best of luck. Bye.


Nell Heald

Oh, wait, we must help.


Paul Goodman

Yeah, listen, what if evil is at play here?


Jen Blundell

Evil? The only evil here is pot holes.


Nell Heald

Which direction did Beauty run off in? I can try and find her.


Sara Keep

[As the gnome] Oh, uh, I don’t know. It could have been- I was too distracted.


Nell Heald

Okay, I will find her.


Paul Goodman

Distracted? Not by anything [vessel of Tyr voice] evil [standard Jump voice] I hope?


Nell Heald

Can I look for, uh, hoofprints? Is that a thing?


Sara Keep

Uh, yeah. Absolutely. Roll a perception check.


Paul Salt

Woah, I might-


Jen Blundell

Use your nature senses.


Paul Salt

It might be better if my dude does this, in case you have something, because I’m trying to find out more about my arboreal alertness, which does just sound like awareness of trees, but it does say you have proficiency in the perception skill. So I guess it just means that I’m generally more alert and might be able to- Does anyone have anything better than that?


Paul Goodman

It means trees know- you know when trees are talking smack about you.


Sara Keep

Yeah, uh, Paul, you roll a perception, and Nell, you roll an investigation.


Jen Blundell

Margaret’s just sort of standing at the side of the road, looking at her watch like, schedule. She’s got a little notepad out and she’s planned- she’s started already planning out the route now. Toilet stops.


Nell Heald

Um, my roll’s not great. That’s a nine.


Paul Salt

So that is a… 12.


Sara Keep

Morric, you can’t see any hoofprints leading away from the cart. And Paul, you can’t see any hoofprints leading away from the cart.


Paul Salt

Am I aware of any trees?


Sara Keep

Uh, you know what? There’s so many trees.


Jen Blundell

Do trees exist, Sara?


Sara Keep

There’s an oak, there’s a redwood, cedar.


Nell Heald

Ooh, lovely.


Jen Blundell

Ooh, fantasy oak?


Paul Salt

My friends, this area has clearly been very carefully cross pollinated with seeds. These trees are unnaturally growing very close together. I suspect great evil is at play.


Paul Goodman

Finally.


Nell Heald

Mr. Gnome? Ms. Gnome? I’m not sure how to tell.


Paul Salt

[Imitating Morric] What are your pronouns?


Sara Keep

[As the gnome] He/him. Name’s Boggle.


Nell Heald

Boggle, I can’t find any hoofprints, which is unusual. A horse is quite heavy, they would usually leave a mark. Did you have an imaginary horse or, er-


Paul Salt

Did you stop believing in your horse?


Nell Heald

J, this is unusual, yes?


Paul Goodman

Yeah.


Nell Heald

Did you have a- like a since you’re a whole evil, justice, good-evil, can you sense things?


Paul Goodman

I can cast Detect Good and Evil, but that might be, on a person- So, like, “for the duration you know if there is an aberration, celestial, elemental, fae, fiend, or undead within 30 feet of you.” It is still something Jump would definitely cast so I’m going to burn that straight away.


Sara Keep

Great. And you do not get the sense that any- you get a sense that no aberrations, no faes, no celestials.


Paul Goodman

Seems pretty airtight. I reckon we should just go. Wait, hang on a sec, I’ve heard of one of those magic spell games called, I think it was the Witcher, where a horse was attacked by a griffin.


Jen Blundell

Oh, the historical one, yes.


Paul Goodman

Yeah. I don’t know if we have any griffins around these parts, but it could be possible that some big, sky-faring animal might have carried the horse away.


Jen Blundell

I guess we could ask.


Paul Goodman

An evil in itself, but very easy to get out of the 30 foot range, which this- my spell has.


Jen Blundell

Gnome friend-


Nell Heald

Boggle.


Jen Blundell

- did a giant bird-lion creature sweep down and steal your horse away?


Sara Keep

[As Boggle] Oh, y-yeah. That could have happened. Yes.


Jen Blundell

How could you not know?


Sara Keep

[As Boggle] I was distracted! Listen, could you just-


Jen Blundell

By what?


Sara Keep

[As Boggle] The horse running away with a griffin.


Paul Goodman

You listen to me, Boggle, and I get down on one knee, urgh, okay-


Jen Blundell

And you’re still 3 foot taller than he is.


Nell Heald

Yeah.


Paul Goodman

Yeah. I’m looking directly over his head. Listen to me, Boggle. We’re on a pretty tight schedule. I don’t know if you could tell this, but we were rushing by the time we came past you, and we need to know what you’re hiding from us, and I roll persuasion, because if you don’t, I might have to consider you [vessel of Tyr voice] evil. That’s an eight.


Nell Heald

That’s not great.


Paul Salt

Shit. Not great.


Sara Keep

Make a dexterity save for me, Paul.


Nell Heald

Oh, God.


Paul Salt

Oh no.


Paul Goodman

Yes! Yes, D&D.


Nell Heald

In my mind, this sort of guy is just about to flip you on your back. A quarter of your size.


Jen Blundell

I’d like to see that.


Paul Goodman

That’s an eleven, Sara.


Jen Blundell and Nell Heald

Go Boggle, go Boggle.


Paul Goodman

Don’t root for Boggle.


Jen Blundell

I’m on team Boggle already.


Paul Salt

It’s not the sense of team unity that I feel that we should be adopting.


Sara Keep

You’re fortunate. He rolled a ten. So he goes to give you a slap, but he misses.


Nell Heald

Aww.


Jen Blundell

Is his arm too short?


Sara Keep

Yeah. It was unfortunate.


Paul Goodman

Aw. I put my hand on his- my palm on his forehead so he swing, you know, like, so he swings ineffectually.


Paul Salt

Whilst he’s swinging ineffectually, I want, um, Bleurgh to walk past this whilst it’s still happening and just be like, is there anything we can do to assist you? You needn’t try to deceive us.


Sara Keep

[As Boggle] Just help, um, change the- the wheel on this cart. I’ve got- I’ve got a spare if you- if the big boys could lift the cart for me and then you- you, frog man, you take the wheel off-


Nell Heald

Yes, I could do this.


Jen Blundell

Wait. Wait. Wait one second. Wait. Friend. Boggle, is this your cart? Car…t?


Paul Salt

I thought you were echoing. [At diminishing volume] Cart, cart, cart.


Nell Heald

Oh, is this your cart…


Jen Blundell

Is it, is it like a little, em, Nissan Micra?


Sara Keep

Why don’t you give a perception check, Margaret?


Jen Blundell

Well, that’s a one.


Paul Goodman

Critical fail?


Sara Keep

Critical fail.


Nell Heald

Oh dear.


Sara Keep

[As Boggle] This is my car…t. So if you could help the frog take the wheel off, that’d be great.


Jen Blundell

And I turn to the rest of them and I say, look, uh, I’ve got three kids and I can tell if someone’s lying and this little gnome ain’t lying. So let’s help him!


Paul Goodman

Yeah, I believe every word he says.


Jen Blundell

Yeah, let’s do it.


Paul Goodman

Although he did try to slap me and that’s made me quite angry.


Jen Blundell

No, that’s made me trust him more, to be honest.


Paul Salt

Many of us have at times attempted to slap you. It has always come from a place of profound love and respect.


Jen Blundell

Oh, yes. A love slap.


Paul Goodman

I’m feeling a lot of anti-Jump energy in this session.


Jen Blundell

Oh no, no, no no no no.


Paul Goodman

Maybe I should just shut up.


Paul Salt

Occasionally you use words like “session,” which confuse and alarms me. However, I deeply respect you as a friend, as a soldier, and a man, or whatever it is you are.


Jen Blundell

Any time we spend together is like a jam session.


Paul Goodman

That’s exactly it because we’re all pros and you never know what's going to happen and usually people tell us we’re really good at the end.


Paul Salt

Okay, whilst we’re helping this fool fix his waggon, I want to check out the goods, see if I can get more of a sense of what-


Paul Goodman

Do you mean me?


Paul Salt

Yeah.


Paul Goodman

Paul Goodman?


Jen Blundell

Yes. Show us your butt.


Paul Salt

Show us your setup.


Jen Blundell

Show us your setup. That tight setup.


Sara Keep

Yeah, roll an investigation check, Bleurgh, to see if you can- meanwhile, Morric and J, if you could roll strength checks to see if you could lift the cart.


Paul Salt

Fifteen.


Paul Goodman

Yeah, sure.


Jen Blundell

And can I- shall I do the wheel?


Sara Keep

Yeah, sure.


Jen Blundell

Is he doing the wheel?


Paul Salt

Bleurgh pretends to be helping, but is scoping out them goods.


Jen Blundell

Uh, I got a 13 for dexterity for changing the wheel.


Sara Keep

That’s probably good enough to take a broken, old wheel off a cart.


Paul Goodman

Nice.


Sara Keep

What did you get, Jump and Morric?


Paul Goodman

I got a twelve, which perhaps is because I still have one palm on this Boggle’s forehead and I do refuse to take it off. 


Paul Salt

He’s not fighting anymore.


Nell Heald

I got a thirteen and there’s no excuse ‘cause I’m not foreheading a tiny gnome. So I’m just-


Paul Salt

Foreheading, as we call it.


Jen Blundell

That’s a lot.


Sara Keep

With a twelve and a thirteen, you feel like that’s not going to be enough to lift a heavy cart. And yet, the cart isn’t as heavy as you’re expecting it to be. And Bleurgh, when you look into the cart, you see that it is just some empty boxes underneath the sheet. There’s not much there. And I’m going to need you to roll initiative for me.


Paul Salt

Oh boy!


Paul Goodman

Oh, good. Okay, here we go.


Paul Salt

Okay, that’s a nine.


Jen Blundell

Eleven


Paul Goodman

Jump got a twelve.


Sara Keep

Yeah, so Boggle clambers up onto the car and he pulls out a long brown cape and a wide brimmed hat-


Paul Goodman

Grumpo?


Sara Keep (22:52-22:53)

- pops them on, andsays [as Boggle] give us everything you’ve got or face the wrath of the merciless Wild Eye Bandits!


Nell Heald

Aww.


Jen Blundell

And we all go “Aww.”


Paul Salt

It’s a trap.


Sara Keep

And five more gnomes pounce out of the trees.


Paul Salt

Oh, shit.


Paul Goodman

Look, I am just saying; if someone tries to slap me, they are evil. That is precedent.


Paul Salt

I still trust them.


Sara Keep

The gnomes get a surprise round on you.


Paul Salt

Seems unfair. I don’t like this development.


Jen Blundell

Boo. I’ve turned on Boggle.


Paul Goodman

Everything’s coming up Jumphouse.


Sara Keep

So Boggle’s going to go first. Let’s get those initiatives. So Bleurgh got a nine-


Paul Goodman

Jump got a twelve.


Nell Heald

Morric got a dirty twenty, which I have now learned is a twenty that’s when you add- something adds up to twenty.


Paul Salt

Ohh, okay.


Nell Heald

I saw that that’s apparently D&D slang, a dirty twenty.


Paul Salt

I like that. I like it a lot.


Paul Goodman

Didn’t realize we were rolling with a pro.


Jen Blundell

And I got an eleven, just to… a dirty eleven.


Sara Keep

Okay, so the gnomes take out their scimitar-esque blades. It’d be weird for gnomes but, they’re more like knives because they’re gnomes. So they just have knives that look like normal sized swords in the gnome’s hand.


Paul Salt

This could be our most adorable fight yet.


Sara Keep

Boggle has it out for you, Jump, so he rolled- hey, does a five beat your armor class?


Paul Goodman

Oh, do you know, it’s so close.


Sara Keep

Yeah?


Paul Goodman

Sixteen.


Sara Keep

Ah, damn it. Well, Boggle jumps off the top of the cart towards you, clearly overestimated the reach of his own jump, and just falls face first onto the ground in front of you.


Paul Goodman

I’m ready, evildoer! Do your worst.


Sara Keep

Let’s see how the rest of his crew does. Nope! The second one whiffs. Takes out a knife, slashes at the back of Margaret and also-


Paul Salt

The back of Margaret? Oh no.


Sara Keep

- like, the depth perception’s off.


Paul Goodman

He’s got an eyepatch.


Sara Keep

What’s your armor class, Bleurgh?


Paul Salt

Fifteen.


Sara Keep

Yep. The second one, he goes to take a slash at you and also misses. These gnomes feel like maybe they’re not the most competent. And that could be the dice telling that story. Okay-


Paul Salt

Their self esteem is broken. We must strike now whilst they’re demoralized.


Sara Keep

The fourth gnome goes for Morric and with a natural one just absolutely trips over their own feet and falls face first.


Nell Heald

Oh dear.


Sara Keep

Now let’s just see if the last one can do anything. Okay, now a thirteen, nope, we’ve established that’s not enough to get to Jump.


Jen Blundell

This little bunch of gnomes all trip over their feet.


Nell Heald

Poor little bastards.


Sara Keep

These poor little bastards. Well that was their surprise round. So they jumped out of the trees and then all four fell over or missed.


Nell Heald

Oh, gosh.


Paul Goodman

Well that was surprising.


Paul Salt

I admire their spirit greatly. It shall be a tremendous honor to murder each of them.


Jen Blundell

Oh, come on now.


Sara Keep

Now it’s Morric’s turn. You are presented with one face first in the dirt at your feet.


Nell Heald

And then the rest- are the rest of them also down in the dirt? Are they all- have they all fallen over?


Paul Goodman

Are they prone?


Sara Keep

Two others have fallen over, but at least two others are stood up. They just missed but they’re still stood up in a fighting position, ready to strike again.


Nell Heald

Okay, but they’re still standing. Okay.


Paul Goodman

Now’s the chance to bathe in their blood, Morric.


Nell Heald

Oh, gosh. You poor bastards. Alright, can I please- how do I- this is going to sound really dumb so bare with me. Like, I’ve got a prepared spell. Do I have to roll for my prepared spell or does it just happen, do I just do it?


Jen Blundell

Depends on the spell.


Sara Keep

So, yes, exactly. Some do. It should say if you’ve got the card. What spell is it?


Nell Heald

Yep. It’s called Entangle.


Sara Keep

I’m pretty sure maybe they can roll dexterity check on that one but I think it does just happen.


Nell Heald

“Grasping weeds and vines sprout from the ground,” blahdy blahdy blah, “a creature in the area when you cast the spell must succeed on a strength saving throw or be restrained by the entangling plants.”


Sara Keep

What is the area of effect on that?


Nell Heald

90 feet.


Sara Keep

Great, you can get as many of them- They’re all gathered around the cart. Oh, we’ve established they don’t have strength because they weren’t adding anything.


Nell Heald

Oh no! Maybe we can have a stern talking to once they’re entangled, if it works.


Paul Salt

Yeah. Yeah, sounds good.


Paul Goodman

That is not in line with my tenants of conquest, guys, I just want to remind you all of that.


Nell Heald

Yes, but remember I’m casting this, I’m neutral-good, or whatever. I’m not- ’m trying to be nice-ish.


Paul Salt

I have a very persuasive haiku that may change your mind.


Nell Heald

Ooh, yes, good.


Jen Blundell

Hmm. I’m also neutral-good. Boring!


Nell Heald

Boring!


Paul Goodman

So what? I’m lawful-good and I’m absolutely a criminal.


Nell Heald

Does that mean you’re a stickler, then?


Jen Blundell

Stickler for the rules.


Paul Goodman

Yeah, it’s a specific set of laws. [Imitating Liam Neeson in Taken] I have a very specific set of laws.


Nell Heald

Okay, yeah, right.


Sara Keep

Great. So they have to roll a thirteen-


Jen Blundell

That sounds about right. Mine’s twelve, so…


Nell Heald

Okay.


Sara Keep

- strength saving throw to not get entangled by the vines.


Nell Heald

I’m so sorry, little friends.


Sara Keep

Boggle did save. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.


Jen Blundell

What mighty foes you’ve given us.


Sara Keep

Boggle and one further gnome did manage to save.


Nell Heald

Oh! They did it! Bless them.


Sara Keep

So two out of the total set of gnome have managed to avoid your entanglement, but the others are restrained, which will make them easier targets.


Nell Heald

Go into your haiku right now. Get in there.


Paul Salt

Yep.


Paul Goodman

Cannot wait to mete out justice on these fools.


Paul Salt

No, listen, Jump.

Gnomes fight heartily,

A respect blossoms in foes.

The chance for mercy.

Yes?


Jen Blundell

Maybe?


Paul Goodman

Hmm. That’s a pretty good one. Were you just thinking of that whilst all the entangling was happening?


Paul Salt

In our world I believe it took one sixth of six seconds. A second. I am remarkable at improvisation.


Sara Keep

It is the gnome’s turn again, because they had a surprise round and did roll- the only thing they rolled well was initiative.


Nell Heald

Go Boggle, go Boggle. Go, go, go Boggle.


Paul Salt

Aw, they’re so hearty.


Sara Keep

So Boggle uses his movement to pick himself up in front of Jump and goes in for a second attack, being like, [As Boggle] you condescending prick! And he brings his dagger down on your shin.


Jen Blundell

He reaches up to your shin…


Nell Heald

Ooh, ow man.


Sara Keep

But you have a strong enough armor that it just bounces off and Boggle looks up at you like [as Boggle] O-oh.


Nell Heald

Could you just part your armor a bit so he could get it in? Like, just…


Paul Goodman

Absolutely not. That is not the commands of Tyr, God of Justice.


Nell Heald

Ohh, but I’m- I’m feeling uncomfortable that they’re just, they’re failing so hard.


Jen Blundell

Just give him a pity stab.


Paul Goodman

Look-


Nell Heald

I’m having, you know, one of those social anxiety moments where I'm just watching this unfold. This is horrible.


Paul Goodman

Fortunately for me, I don’t suffer such- suffer any kind of self doubt similar to that.


Sara Keep

The other unrestrained gnome is going to make an attack on Margaret. Margaret, what’s your AC?


Jen Blundell

Fifteen.


Nell Heald

Can I ask how, like, what’s the height difference between a gnome and a dwarf? Is there much?


Jen Blundell

I’m taller. I am… I’m four foot five.


Sara Keep

Let’s say, yeah.


Nell Heald

Okay, what’s a gnome? Are they a little bit smaller?


Sara Keep

A gnome-


Nell Heald

So you’re still looking down, right?


Jen Blundell

Yeah, I think so.


Sara Keep

Yes.


Nell Heald

I think you’re like, [imitating Margaret] fucking get out of my shit.


Jen Blundell

Out of this group, between the gnomes and Jump, I’m actually medium.


Paul Salt

I’m curious, yes.


Nell Heald

Yeah, right. Okay.


Sara Keep

I’d say the gnomes are just a little bit taller than Bleurgh.


Nell Heald

Oh, they’re taller than Bleurgh.


Sara Keep

So Bleurgh’s smaller than them and I will- yeah.


Nell Heald

Okay, okay. Alright.


Jen Blundell

How small is Bleurgh?


Paul Salt

Yeah, Bleurgh is- what did I say for Bleurgh? Is he two foot five?


Sara Keep

Yeah.


Jen Blundell

Wow. That is very small.


Paul Salt

Yeah.


Nell Heald

He’s going to be riding on all of their shoulders at some point. This is going to be great.


Paul Goodman

No wonder he sees their point of view.


Paul Salt

Two foot six, mind you.


Jen Blundell

Two foot six. Every inch counts.


Sara Keep

But the other unrestrained gnome, he fails as well. He goes in for the second attack on Margaret and is like [in the same gnome voice] oh, aw beans.


Jen Blundell

Oh, come on, you can do it! Come on, try your best.


Sara Keep

The other four are going to use their action to try and get out of the entanglement. No. No. Yes! Yes!


Paul Salt

Oh, fuck!


Paul Goodman

Aw, shit.


Sara Keep

Two of them have become unentangled, but that was their entire turn.


Nell Heald

Frances and Jerry, they’re out. Woah!


Sara Keep

It is now Jump’s turn.


Paul Salt

Oh no.


Paul Goodman

Okay.


Sara Keep

And Boggle is stood below you, looking up with panicked eyes.


Nell Heald

I just imagine him being like, [making a tapping noise] trying to break into your little leg armor.


Paul Goodman

Look, you’ve got heart, little man, and I appreciate that. But you know what? Thievery is bad. It’s bad. It’s [vessel of Tyr voice] evil. And he takes out his trident. [Vessel of Tyr voice] Douse the flame of hope. And he goes to just bring it down square on the middle of the skull of Boggle.


Sara Keep

Great, go ahead.


Nell Heald

They’re just starting out. They’re trying to get their way in the world.


Jen Blundell

Aw, do we have to?


Paul Goodman

Jump has to, yeah.


Nell Heald

Uff, alright, alright.


Paul Goodman

Uh, that is an eleven.


Sara Keep

Boggle’s armor class is twelve. As you bring the trident down, he maneuvers so he’s sort of in between the prongs of the trident.


Nell Heald

Aww, so adorable!


Paul Goodman

Aw, says Jump. I’m a bit rusty, guys. But also, you see how quickly he moved? That thing’s electric.


Sara Keep

Anything else you can do this turn, Jump?


Paul Goodman

Any free- what are free actions, moving and speaking?


Paul Salt

Yeah, well, moving isn’t, moving is part of the movement action, although you haven’t- you haven’t done that yet, so.


Paul Goodman

Oh, yeah, yeah, true.


Sara Keep

Yeah you could walk- you could move further away from Boggle. You could move out of Boggle’s walking range.


Paul Goodman

Yeah, okay, okay. So what Jump does is shift his feet slightly and just rest on the trident. And he’s just looking down at him.


Paul Salt

Okay, the image in my head was just jaunty kind of leaning.


Paul Goodman

Yeah, that’s what he’s doing.


Paul Salt

Excellent.


Sara Keep

Margaret, it’s now your turn.


Jen Blundell

How much does a-


Paul Salt

Thought that you were saying “gnome weigh”.


Jen Blundell

What the heck are these things, again?


Paul Salt

Are you going to chuck it over a hedge?


Jen Blundell

What the heck are these things? What are these things called, again? I blanked on the name.


Sara Keep

Gnome, gnome bandits.


Jen Blundell

Gnome. Thank you. How much does a gnome weigh?


Paul Salt

You are asking that.


Jen Blundell

I’m asking how much a gnome weighs.


Sara Keep

They’re a medium humanoid.


Jen Blundell

Oh. Medium humanoid.


Sara Keep

But that’s quite a vague- I think that’s


Paul Goodman

Isn’t that you, Jen?


Sara Keep

A lot of races fall into medium.


Jen Blundell

I’m going to assume that’s more than ten pounds, then, huh?


Sara Keep

I think if I type “gnome weight” into google it’s not going to give-


Jen Blundell

It’s going to be more than ten pounds.


Sara Keep

Yeah, it’s 40 pounds.


Jen Blundell

Aw, can I hack them into quarters and then throw those?


Paul Goodman

You can throw his shoe.


Sara Keep

You can try.


Jen Blundell

No, in that case, I’ve still got one- the other unrestrained gnome, can I speak to him?


Sara Keep

Yeah.


Jen Blundell

I’m going to say, now, now, I don’t really want to smash your head in with my hammer because-


Paul Goodman

Aw.


Jen Blundell

- you’re very small and kind of cute and- 


Paul Salt

And I respect you.


Jen Blundell

- and you’re not doing too well, to be honest, and I think this would be over pretty quickly. So how about we have a time out and we have a little sit down and then afterwards we’ll be on our way and you can carry on with your enterprise?


Sara Keep

Make a persuasion check for me.


Jen Blundell

Okay. [Singing] What do I persuade with? I persuade with charisma. [Normal tone] I’m a little charismatic.


Nell Heald

[Singing the same tune] I persuade with my charisma. Oh Valley of Plenty…


Jen Blundell

[Laughing] Don’t, Nell. Damn it. Oh, jeez, that’s a seven.


Sara Keep

Uh, yeah, surprisingly it wasn’t convincing enough. This is a gnome that’s turned to a life of crime and you think just trying to take a time out is- 


Jen Blundell

Damn. Are they teenagers, aren’t they?


Paul Goodman

A hardened crimi-gnome.


Jen Blundell

Paul has no experience with teenagers.


Sara Keep

I think that that would make it sadder that you’re killing these if they were young. They’re in their mid-twenties.


Jen Blundell

I think- oh, that’s fine, then. Once you’ve got past twenty it’s- fucking waste, you are.


Paul Salt

You’re not cute anymore.


Jen Blundell

No, you’ve lost all your potential.


Paul Goodman

They made their choice.


Paul Salt

[Singing in a deep, adult voice] It’s a hard knock life for us.


Sara Keep

You know that this gnome was not dissuaded so are you going to take an attack upon them?


Jen Blundell

I would like to just try and shove him away from me and knock him- I want to ktry and nock him prone.


Sara Keep

Okay, make a strength roll for me.


Jen Blundell

I’m fairly strong.


Sara Keep

Yeah. You’re a hardy little dwarf.


Jen Blundell

And so is Margaret.


Paul Goodman

Eyy, ba-dum-tsch.


Jen Blundell

Oh, that’s a 22.


Sara Keep

That’s going to be more than enough to put this gnome on his back. I don’t think it would have taken that much, honestly. It would probably be an opposed check, so I don’t think- based on how they’ve been rolling, don’t think they’re going to beat a 22. Oh, they didn’t do badly, though. They put up a hell of a fight with that eighteen, but no. Flat on their back.


Jen Blundell

I want to just-


Paul Goodman

Not completely embarrassing.


Jen Blundell

- shove him straight forward with my hands.


Sara Keep

[As a gnome] Oh, the embarrassment.


Jen Blundell

Hm, take that as a lesson. Do what your elders tell you.


Paul Goodman

Finishing blow now, Maggie. Go on!


Jen Blundell

Oh, er, you have another go first, and then I’ll think about it.


Sara Keep

Bleurgh, it is your turn now, what would you like to do, Bleurgh?


Paul Salt

Okay, I would like to speak with them one last time. Specifically, what’s the main guy’s name, again? Poggle. Boggle?


Sara Keep

Boggle.


Nell Heald

Boggle.


Paul Salt

Boggle. And he’s on his back?


Paul Goodman

Fan favorite, Boggle.


Paul Salt

He’s now been pushed over? Is that correct?


Sara Keep

Uh, no, Boggle’s sort of maneuvering between the bars of a trident.


Paul Salt

Oh yes, that’s right.


Paul Goodman

Being rested on, jauntily.


Paul Salt

Perspective enemy, I must urge you, I was raised by clan Budwei- Wibudser.


Sara Keep

Almost slipped up there.


Paul Salt

Nearly, nearly fucked that up.


Paul Goodman

Kimono nearly parted entirely.


Paul Salt

Wibudser. Gotta have the guy who’s, like, on Reddit like “hang on a minute.” Gotta let him have his day. Prospective enemy, I was raised by clan Wibudser to respect my enemy enough to fight with my utmost strength when he challenges me. But since then, whilst journeying with this admirable group, this league of heroes of some description, it has occurred to me that sometimes it is dishonorable to become too dependent on tradition. I must ask you one last time before we commence in full combat to reconsider your actions and consider running and fighting another day.


Sara Keep

Make a persuasion check.


Paul Goodman

Definitely kill them.


Paul Salt

Okay. Oh, is this technically- no, no, they’re gnomes, they’re not animals. It’s not animal handling.


Sara Keep

No. That’d be a wild - 


Paul Goodman

Woah! Woah, pretty fucking judgy. Pretty judgy from the grung.


Jen Blundell

Wow.


Nell Heald

Animal handling. But wait, if we think about it, Bleurgh is a frog man-


Paul Salt

Hey, um, wait, are you saying animal is some sort of-


Nell Heald

But, like, Bleurgh is a frog man, what if he considers humans as- he might consider humanoids as animals.


Paul Salt

That’s right!


Jen Blundell

That’s interesting. That’s an interesting point.


Paul Goodman

Coming from a race of slavers.


Paul Salt

Not all of us consider the word animal to be a derogative.


Sara Keep

Hey, hey Nell?


Nell Heald

Yeah?


Sara Keep

I’m not going to stand for that kind of bullshit.


Paul Salt

Okay, my persuasion was alright. Mine is fourteen.


Jen Blundell

Oppose?


Sara Keep

Not quite enough to persuade Boggle, I’m afraid.


Paul Salt

What does he say? Or do?


Nell Heald

He says, [as Boggle] fuck off.


Paul Goodman

- [As Boggle] mate.


Sara Keep

He says, [as Boggle] you underestimate the WIld Eye Bandits! We’ve been at this for all of two and a half months.


Paul Salt

In that case, it will be a tremendous battle that I welcome with all my heart. Right, Arboreal Awareness. Is there a tree nearby?


Sara Keep

You’re in the woods, Paul. Yes.


Paul Salt

Good to hear it. I jump fifteen feet and into a tree.


Sara Keep

Okay.


Paul Salt

I don’t think I have to roll. Yeah, I just do that.


Sara Keep

You do.


Paul Salt

And then I shoot back at the- okay, is there one that’s unrestrained and not currently being held down with a trident or pushed over?


Sara Keep

Yes, two of them did just unrestrain themselves in the last turn.


Paul Salt

Okay, I’ll aim at one of those.


Paul Goodman

What are their names, Sara?


Sara Keep

Oh, you want their names?


Nell Heald

Frances and Jerry.


Sara Keep

What were those, Nell?


Nell Heald

Frances and Jerry.


Paul Salt

Frances and-


Sara Keep

Yes they are. Frances and Jerry.


Paul Salt

I’d like to think-


Paul Goodman

Alright then. Can you tell us something about their backstories? Something they love? Something they hold dear?


Sara Keep

No, I’ll tell you that once  they’re dead.


Paul Goodman

Okay.


Jen Blundell

We find their little diaries on them. They all have them-


Paul Goodman

That works for me.


Nell Heald

Ohh, we have to kill them? No…


Jen Blundell

- In their pockets. [As a gnome] Dear mom, I’ve met some lovely bandits. We’re having- we’re getting on really well and for once I feel valued and part of society.


Nell Heald

Oh, God, no.


Jen Blundell

[As a gnome] It’s really great to be able to contribute and send money home to my dear, sick sister.


Paul Goodman

But then, you turn the page over and it says, [as a gnome] I skinned a dog today. Just to feel something.


Jen Blundell

[As a gnome] Just to see it.


Nell Heald

[As a gnome] He came over to me and he was like “hi, be my friend,” and I skinned him.


Paul Goodman

[As a gnome] Like a friend would.


Paul Salt

Now do I get- okay, I’m going to shoot him with my bow.


Sara Keep

Yeah. Go ahead.


Paul Salt

I have a longbow. It’s pretty good.


Nell Heald

In my mind Bleurgh just pulled out a little gun. I was like “what?”


Paul Goodman

Sideways on.


Sara Keep

Bam, bam, bam.


Paul Salt

Bwap, bwap. Uh, he runs the arrow across his forehead coating it in his own poison and then shoots. Um, Fighting Spirit, you get three attacks plus- no, is this right? Oh, fuck, I shoudn’t have written it down in notes form. You know what? I’m not going to use that yet. I don’t think I’ll need it. I’m just going to shoot an arrow at one of them and see how we get on.


Sara Keep

Okay.


Jen Blundell

Absolutely ice this nerd, Paul.


Paul Goodman

Attack this fool.


Paul Salt

Attack bonus for the bow, plus proficiency, plus dexterity, right?


Sara Keep

Yep.


Paul Salt

Wow, okay, so my initial roll of six doesn’t seem so bad. Plus six on the bow is twelve, plus six from proficiency and dexterity makes it an eighteen.


Sara Keep

Yeah, that’s a hit. Roll damage.


Jen Blundell

Jeez.


Paul Salt

That’s a two. But, he’s now going to have to do a DC 12 saving throw or risk being poisoned.


Sara Keep

So as you spring up into the trees and out of sight, an arrow flies down from the foliage and shoots through Jerry’s shoulder and he’s like, [as Jerry] ow! It’s actually not that bad, I thought it would maybe, it feels like it’s only, like, two points of damage. But then-


Jen Blundell

Depends on how many you’ve got, my friend.


Sara Keep

- he- [as Jerry] oh, also, I felt like there was maybe some poison on this, but actually I’m quite hardy. I’m Jerry and I’m maybe better than other gnomes here.


Paul Salt

Fuck!


Nell Heald

[As Jerry] I’m Jerry, baby!


Jen Blundell

[As Jerry] Thank goodness I eat my fruits and vegetables!


Sara Keep

I was just checking, but no, it seems like you legitimately did add all those things to your roll. We were all like “was that too many things?” No.


Paul Salt

I don’t think so. It said proficiency and- yeah.


Sara Keep

Um, your proficiency and your dexterity and you rolled a six.


Paul Salt

Yeah.


Paul Goodman

Was the proficiency with weapons or-


Paul Salt

That’s my proficiency bonus which is plus two, plus to my dexterity, which is four, which makes six.


Nell Heald

Oh, yeah.


Paul Goodman

Have you added that to the dexterity modifier already?


Paul Salt

No.


Paul Goodman

Okay.


Paul Salt

I don’t think so.


Paul Goodman

Because I think I did with my charisma.


Sara Keep

Yes, you have, because a fourteen dexterity would not get you to a plus four.


Paul Salt

Oh, so, wait, should that have been two weaker?


Sara Keep

Yeah. Well you don’t- yes.


Paul Salt

Okay, so from now on, just add my saving throw.


Sara Keep

No, that, your dexterity is correct, Paul, because you get a plus two for being a grung. Your proficiency, you wouldn’t add that to the attack, so it would have been two less, but it still absolutely hit that gnome. Morric, we’re back to you in the order.


Nell Heald

So, none of- Jerry’s the only one that has damage right now?


Sara Keep

Yes. But Margaret pushed one onto their back and there’s still two entangled in your vines.


Nell Heald

Oh, okay, well, maybe I will- are any of them close to me?


Sara Keep

Yeah.


Nell Heald

Are you sure? Which one is close to me?


Sara Keep

Let’s say that Gregory is. That’s a new name.


Nell Heald

Gregory? Grego-ray, Grego-rye, Gregor-ee. Maybe I’ll just whack him with my quarterstaff. Hold on, wait a minute, wait a minute. With a cantrip, I can use them as many times as I want?


Sara Keep

I think so, but hold on. Entangle is a concentration spell, so you need to make sure if you cast another spell it’s not also a concentration spell.


Nell Heald

Ohhh. I get you, I get you.


Jen Blundell

Oh yeah. Are you able to cast another spell? No, yeah, you can, right.


Sara Keep

You can as long as it’s not concentration.


Nell Heald

Because that’s what- is that the “C” that’s on the card, right? Does that mean concentration?


Sara Keep

Yeah.


Nell Heald

Okay, great, because this one has nothing on it, so I’m assuming that means it’s just, like, a- thirteen is my spellcasting ability. Okay. This is, it’s basically that my quarterstaff gets imbued with nature’s powers, so it says “for the duration, you can use your spellcasting ability instead of strength for the attack and damage rolls of melee attacks using that weapon and the weapons damage die becomes a D8.”


Paul Goodman

So your spellcasting ability is the three.


Nell Heald

- Is three. Okay, got it.


Paul Goodman

Yeah. So you’d add that.


Nell Heald

So I’d add that to my roll. Okay. I’m going to use that. Oh, I don’t know how to pronounce that. Someone from the isle of the UK, how do you say that word?


Paul Goodman

[Mispronouncing Shillelagh] Sha-lay-lay?


Nell Heald

That’ll do.


Paul Salt

Sha-lay-lay.


Jen Blundell

Oh, sha-lay-lay.


Sara Keep

Yeah.


Jen Blundell

I believe it is a sha-lay-lay, but I’m not sure why I think it’s pronounced-


Nell Heald 

Because I’m obviously very far from there and I’m like [mispronouncing shillelagh] shilly-lawg.


Sara Keep

That’s what it is, Nell.


Paul Goodman

Obviously, also, asking an English person how to pronounce something Irish or Celtic is definitely the best way to go.


Nell Heald

Let’s go with sha-lay-lay.


Paul Goodman 

[Mispronouncing Saoirse Ronan] Say-orse, is it Say-orse Ronan?


Nell Heald

Alright, let’s go with sha-lay-lay, I’m going to say that I cast that.


Jen Blundell

It’s pronounced shillelagh or-


Nell Heald

Shillelagh? Shillelagh?


Paul Goodman

Sha-lay-lay.


Jen Blundell

Shillelagh.


Paul Salt

Sha-lay-lay.


Paul Goodman

Sha-lay-lay.


Jen Blundell

Shillelagh.


Nell Heald

Shillelagh? Shillelagh? Let’s go with shillelagh and I’ll look it up later.


Paul Goodman

Go with what feels right.


Nell Heald

So I'm going to cast that, Shillelagh, on my quarterstaff, which means it’s magicals. Magicals.


Paul Salt

Got that Shillelagh on my quarterstaff.


Paul Goodman

It’s magicals. It’s Jellicles and magicals.


Nell Heald

So I can use my spellcasting ability instead of my strength because my strength is zero, so that’s not great.


Paul Goodman

Let’s not do that.


Nell Heald

I’m going to try and whack little- who did we say is in front of me?


Sara Keep

Gregory.


Nell Heald

Gre- that’s right. I’m going to try and whack little Gregory with my quarterstaff. Oh, well, that actually wasn’t that bad. That’s a… a dirty twenty.


Sara Keep

Oh my God, yes!


Nell Heald

I honestly don’t know now if that’s proper or if that’s a thing I’ve made up.


Jen Blundell

No, that’s true. It’s a thing. It’s a thing.


Paul Salt

It’s real now.


Nell Heald

It’s a thing. Okay.


Paul Goodman

It sounds even better with an Aussie accent.


Jen Blundell

Yeah, it really does.


Paul Goodman and Jen Blundell

[In an Australian accent] Dirty twenty.


Nell Heald

It’s a dirto twenno.


Paul Salt

Oh, God, dirty twenty!


Jen Blundell

Sounds like some horrible-


Paul Goodman

You should clean it.


Jen Blundell

Yeah. Some sort of horrible London slang for your bum.


Paul Salt

Troubles.


Sara Keep

Uh, yeah, so, roll damage, because that definitely beats Gregory’s armor class.


Nell Heald

Oh, I’m so sorry.


Jen Blundell

You can do nonlethal damage if you choose.


Nell Heald

Gregory, I’m sorry.


Paul Goodman

Finish him!


Nell Heald

Can i knock him out?


Paul Goodman

Slay him!


Jen Blundell

Yeah, you can choose, if you hit him, if you take all his points you can choose to just knock him out rather than kill him.


Nell Heald

Ooh, okay. Just- alright.


Paul Salt

Can you capture him and have him as a sort of pet?


Jen Blundell

Is this back to grung slavery, is it?


Paul Goodman

Asking for a friend.


Nell Heald

Well that’s really, uh, not that bad. I got a four.


Sara Keep

A four. So you knock a few of his teeth out as you bring your quarterstaff across his head and he looks dazed by the hit.


Nell Heald

Gregory, dear, just stop.


Paul Goodman

[As Morric] Gregory, darling.


Paul Salt

You must abandon your path.


Nell Heald

Listen to grung- oh, grung.


Paul Salt

It will lead, surely, to your inevitable death with an arrow in your eyeball.


Nell Heald

Aim true, Bleurgh.


Sara Keep

Well, it is-


Paul Goodman

I think what they’re all trying to say is fight to the death; fight for what you believe in and good will prevail.


Sara Keep

We are back to Boggle.


Nell Heald

Go Boggle.


Sara Keep

Oh, Boggle. Finally, Boggle rolled a natural twenty. He’s finally making himself known as a presence in this fight.


Paul Salt

Oh, shit!


Jen Blundell

Good on ya, Boggle.


Sara Keep

And so he jumps forward with his little knife towards Jump. He makes contact. I have to quickly look up what damage his weapon does.


Paul Goodman

Weren’t expecting it to hit.


Sara Keep

Yeah, exactly. Hasn’t done so so far. Oh, okay. He did six damage.


Paul Goodman

Alright.


Sara Keep

Doubled because it was a critical hit, so he did twelve damage to you, Jump.


Jen Blundell

Gosh, Boggle.


Paul Goodman

Jesus, is that what it does when you get a natch twenty?


Sara Keep

Yeah, you double the attack.


Paul Goodman

Oh, I thought it was advantage on attack.


Sara Keep

No.


Jen Blundell

Doesn’t it vary from thing to thing? Some people have feats that lets them do-


Sara Keep

Yeah. If-


Jen Blundell

Sometimes you can- sometimes it can be triple, I think.


Sara Keep

Yeah. But it’s just double and the knife finds purchase between the plates of your armor and sinks deep into your skin for twelve points of damage.


Paul Goodman

Shit. Dang.


Jen Blundell

So we go from, aw, just let him hit you a bit. Oh, shit.


Nell Heald

Yeah, I imagine we’ve now all changed our tune.


Sara Keep

And now we’ll see if the other gnomes escape. Nope. Nope. But, you know, Gregory, he’s going to try to attack you now, Morric. Nineteen. That’s going to hit. So you just smacked a bunch of Gregory’s teeth out and he’s coming back for you with his knife-


Nell Heald

God damn it, Gregory.


Sara Keep

- For two points of damage as he slashes across your leg.


Nell Heald

Ouch. Gregory.


Jen Blundell

The tide is turning for the gnomes.


Nell Heald

Oh, Gregory


Paul Salt

Gandalf gnome rides over the hill, [as Gandalf] I join you now. The turn of the tide.


Sara Keep

Oh my God.


Paul Goodman

How often have I got to tell you? These guys are evil. Kill ‘em!


Sara Keep

Margaret, Jerry also rolled a natural twenty.


Jen Blundell

Oh, go on, bring it Jerry.


Nell Heald

Man, they are firing out the natural twenties.


Paul Salt

Fucking Jerry.


Jen Blundell

Jeez, Jerry.


Sara Keep

Um, Jerry does ten points of damage to you.


Jen Blundell

Is this Jerry- Jerry isn’t the one I knocked onto his butt, is he?


Sara Keep

No, Jery’s the one that was shot with an arrow.


Paul Goodman

Took an arrow, right


Jen Blundell

Mm, Bleurgh shot. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That makes sense.


Paul Goodman

Fucking Boromir up in here.


Jen Blundell

So how much does he do?


Sara Keep

He does ten.


Jen Blundell

Ten? Heck. Poo.


Sara Keep

And then the one you did knock on his butt spends his whole action actually getting back on his feet.


Jen Blundell

Actually getting up. Yeah.


Sara Keep

So now we are back to Jump who has been stabbed.


Paul Goodman

Yeah, look, all I’m saying, guys, is you’ve got to trust me a little more often.


Jen Blundell

You can lecture us later, just smash the bugger.


Paul Salt

The way of peace

is always worth exploring.

Buds in May.

I didn’t actually count that one.


Paul Goodman

That is a rea- sometimes you don’t need to. That is a really good point, Bleurgh. So I am going to try and command Boggle.


Sara Keep

Okay.


Paul Goodman

So, “speak a one word command to a creature I can see within range. It must succeed on a wisdom saving throw or follow the command on its next turn. The spell has no effect on…”


Sara Keep

What’s the word you’re using?


Paul Salt

Shit-em.


Jen Blundell

Shit-em. And by ‘em I mean your pants.


Paul Salt

Asterisk.


Jen Blundell

Shit-em-right-over-the-hill. That’s one verb.


Paul Salt

Undress.


Jen Blundell

Undress, no.


Paul Salt

Thinner.


Sara Keep

You know what? I’ll save time. I’ll do his wisdom save.


Jen Blundell

Can’t think of more words for run. Scarper.


Paul Salt

Dig would be weird.


Sara Keep

He did get a seventeen, Paul.


Jen Blundell

Don’t think too hard about that word.


Paul Goodman

Yeah, no, nevermind. Shit, he probably passed, then. Dang.


Sara Keep

Uh, yeah, he’s like hanging on to the dagger that’s still within you. Almost like he’s abseiling off you.


Paul Goodman

Alright then. He’s pretty annoying.


Sara Keep

Would you like to do any movement with this gnome?


Paul Salt

Another sassy pose?


Paul Goodman

Sassy pose is harder now I’ve got a shin injury.


Paul Salt

Just hobble over and try and lean.


Paul Goodman

Probably just stand there and wait for the next turn.


Sara Keep

Fair enough. Margaret, what would you like to do?


Jen Blundell

I think now she’s taken a mighty blow, she’s going to turn to face Jerry, unhook her trusty Battlehammer™ from her back. She’s going to swing it and just try and knock him, smack him. Just thwack him, smash him.


Sara Keep

Cool. Make an attack roll.


Paul Salt

Knock him, smack him, thwack him.


Jen Blundell

Knock him, smack him, thwack him. That’s the tagline for the Battlehammers.


Paul Goodman

That’s the game we all created at the end of last adventure. Real, live gnomes.


Jen Blundell

D20 plus strength?


Sara Keep

Yep


Jen Blundell

That all?


Paul Goodman

[In an affectation] Is that all?


Jen Blundell

[In an affectation] Is that all?


Paul Salt

Is that all?


Paul Goodman

[In an affectation] Eurgh, laughable.


Jen Blundell

I’m going to smack him so D20 plus strength. That’s a nat one, again. Jeez, Margaret. Bit rusty.


Sara Keep

Great. So you swing wildly into the air and just do-


Jen Blundell

Throws her back out.


Sara Keep

Yeah, like you’re doing the hammer throw at the Olympics, you just end up doing a little bit of a spin on the spot and absolutely miss Jerry-


Jen Blundell

Yeah.


Sara Keep

- who laughs at you.


Paul Salt

Oh, that’s uncalled for.


Jen Blundell

That is uncalled for. Now that’s not polite.


Paul Salt

This is not a way of honor.


Paul Goodman

There’s no room for that.


Jen Blundell

We were having a polite fight.


Sara Keep

Bleurgh, it turns out that you were right the first time and you do add all of those things because you are proficient in the bow. So you do add all your proficiency bonus.


Paul Salt

Oh, okay, right. Great.


Sara keep

So you were right the first time. We were all just so taken aback by the fact that you could roll a six and still-


Paul salt

- And end up with an eighteen.


Sara keep

Yeah.


Paul salt

Yeah, it is crazy.


Jen blundell

I’m proficient in the hammer so I’d get proficiency as well if I hit with a hammer. But I got a nat-


Sara Keep

Oh yes, so you’d add plus two to that natural one.


Jen Blundell

That would’ve made it six in total.


Sara Keep

Still not enough.


Paul Goodman

Still a natural one.


Sara Keep

Natural one is just an immediate fail. Yeah, no. You whiffed so hard, I’m going to say your hammer flew out of your hand and hit a tree.


Jen Blundell

I whiffed so hard.


Paul Goodman

And you shit yourself.


Paul Salt

From how far it went. Jen’s Linkedin page just really fucking flying together now, “I have proficiency in a hammer.”


Jen Blundell

“Proficiency in a hammer.”


Sara Keep

Bleurgh, please.


Paul salt

Yes, please. Now that I see they are worthy opponents, I’m once again going to fire at- Jerry, was it?


Sara keep

The one that-


Jen blundell

The one I just failed to hit?


Paul salt

Yeah.


Sara keep

Yeah.


Jen Blundell

Because he just hit me.


Paul Salt

Yes. Let’s- that has to be avenged. Noble Jerry, I challenge you to not get hit by this arrow. I’m unable, due to my strict code of honor, to surprise attack anyone so please anticipate receipt of this arrow. And I shoot him. This time he wants to really coat the arrow in the poison so he gets it in an armpit, sort of wiggles it around a bit.


Jen Blundell

Ugh, yummo.


Paul Salt

He’s kind of confused about how it didn’t work last time.


Paul Goodman

The armpit also says [frog noise]. You do it.


Paul Salt

Right, okay, that’s a ten. So this is going to be, um-


Jen Blundell

Lots.


Sara Keep

Yeah, that’s definitely going to hit when you add your 


Paul Salt

It’s probably going to-


Sara Keep

It’s definitely going to hit.


Paul Salt

That’s just going to hit, isn’t it?


Sara Keep

So roll damage.


Paul Goodman

How are you so fucking buff?


Paul Salt

This is the only thing I’m able to do. Yeah, this is the Nell situation from my campaign. This is the Agnes effect. But it’s all I can do.


Nell heald

So good.


Paul goodman

I mean, you are five years from death, at best, so you-


Nell Heald

He’s a master.


Paul Salt

Okay, that’s a weird flex from you. Like, “well, at least you’re going to die soon.”


Paul Goodman

No, I mean like-


Nell Heald

As in you’ve mastered your craft.


Paul Salt

I know, I know.


Paul Goodman

Okay. I see, I see.


Paul Salt

Oh, come on now, he’s just doing a funny. He’s a funny… funny boy.


Paul Goodman

Funny. F… unny.


Paul Salt

Do I add anything to damage or do I just add the thing that the bow is?


Sara Keep

Normally the weapon will tell you if there’s a plus to it.


Paul Salt

Doesn’t, so- there’s an attack bonus, but you add that to attack so- 


Jen Blundell

It’s probably just your dice roll. Basic bitch weapons.


Paul Salt

Yeah, so that’s a five. I need to get a better bow.


Paul Goodman

Oh, I didn’t add my proficiency bonus for my trident last time. Dang it. We’re all learning.


Paul Salt

We’re all learning. We’re all just a bunch of silly boys.


Paul Goodman

- Silly fucking idiots.


Sara Keep

You do five damage. This one goes through and you see Jerry looks fucked up this time. Last time he shrugged it off, made it look like a funny joke. But now he is full Boromired.


Jen Blundell

I shout, fuck him up, Bleurgh!


Sara Keep

He does succeed in his poison check. Whatever it is, this gnome is hardy to poison.


Paul Salt

Jeez.


Jen Blundell

Wow.


Paul Goodman

He’s Tom Hardy to poison.


Sara Keep

But, on the other hand, he’s probably going to die soon, so.


Paul Goodman

Kind of irrelevant at the end.


Paul Salt

You are mortally wounded. It is time to throw down your arms and accept the joyous shame of defeat.


Sara Keep

Never, he says whilst spitting out blood.


Paul Salt

I have underestimated you.


Paul Goodman

You guys have really got to stop doing that.


Sara Keep

Morric, we’re back to you in the order.


Nell Heald

Okay, Game Master Sara, how much is within five meters of me? What would be within my five meter range?


Sara Keep

You’ve got most of the cart and you’ve got four out of the five gnomes.


Nell Heald

Okay, I’m going to use another spell, please. I’m going to use Thunderwave. It’s a wave of thunderous force that sweeps out from me. Each creature in a fifteen foot cube originating from myself must must make a constitution saving throw. On a failed save a creature takes two D8 thunder damage and is pushed ten feet away from me. On a successful save a creature takes half as much damage and isn’t pushed. Unsecured objects that are completely within the area are automatically pushed ten feet away from me by the spell’s effect. The spell emits a thunderous boom audible out to 300 feet.


Jen Blundell

Wow.


Nell Heald

So I’m going loud.


Sara Keep

The ones that are restrained will be at disadvantage with this save. I will say that Margaret is also-


Nell Heald

Oh no!


Jen blundell

It’s okay. It’s okay, Morric. What do I have to save again?


Paul goodman

Maggie’s into industrial metal so this is par for the course.


Jen Blundell

She’s breathed in a lot of stone dust at this point.


Nell Heald

My spell save DC is thirteen so you need to roll higher than a thirteen. Or thirteen. I think if you roll-


Jen Blundell

Can I add- just twelve plus constitution?


Nell Heald

Y- yeah?


Jen Blundell

Am I proficient in my constitution? You said that this is thunder, right? I haven’t got any sort of resilience. You sure it’s not poison instead? I’m resilient. Could you maybe do a poison based spell instead?


Paul Goodman

Too late, Thunderwave.


Sara Keep

Too late now. Yeah, one of the gnomes managed to save. The other three did not.


Nell Heald

Okay. So they need to take two D8 damage, the poor bastards.


Sara Keep

You roll those two D8.


Jen Blundell

This means I also didn’t save. This digital dice stinks.


Nell Heald

That’s a six and an eight for one of them. Sorry.


Jen Blundell

Wait, so how much damage are you doing to me?


Sara Keep

No, so, it’s acute that’s all the damage to all-


Nell Heald

Oh no! Sorry! I thought it was for each one.


Jen Blundell

So it’s fourteen to everyone. You did fourteen damage to me. Okay, Margaret’s down.


Paul Salt

Oh, shit! No!


Nell Heald

Wait! I take it back. I take it back.


Jen Blundell

Gosh, we’re rusty.


Sara Keep

Morric, you watch these gnomes just sort of shatter in the force of your Thunderwave. Like you watch them crumple and get flung into the undergrowth of the woods and hit the ground with a sickening thump and you get the feeling that the three gnomes you just knocked back are not getting back up.


Paul Salt

Shit. Which three did we kill?


Sara Keep

But neither is Margaret.


Nell Heald

Oh, Margaret!


Sara Keep

Jerry’s still here.


Nell Heald

Fucking Jerry. Is Jerry the one that saved?


Paul Goodman

He’s a hardy boy.


Paul Salt

Yeah. Boggle?


Sara Keep

Boggle was out of the range because he’s over with Jump on the other side of the cart.


Paul Salt

So we killed the three that we didn’t name?


Sara Keep

No, and one that we did name, but whose name I forgot.


Nell Heald

We named Gregory, Frances, and Jerry.


Sara Keep

Gregory, Frances, and an unnamed gnome, who, just to make you feel bad, was called Clistopher.


Nell Heald

I’m so sorry, Clistopher.


Paul Salt

He was the heart of the group.


Nell Heald

Am I allowed, like, a spell is my turn, right? I can’t then run-


Paul Goodman

No regrets, that’s not the D&D way.


Nell Heald

I can’t run over and do my Cure Wounds on Margaret?


Sara Keep

Not until next time.


Jen Blundell

Not unless that’s a bonus.


Paul Goodman

That’s for another round.


Nell Heald

Okay. Oh, I see, “casting time: one bonus action.” Gotcha. No, my Cure Wounds is one action. Okay, no.


Paul Goodman

I also have a Cure Wounds so I can go- I can do that in my go.


Sara Keep

Great.


Nell Heald

Okay.


Jen bBundell

Will that just bring me back up to stable or-


Nell Heald

I think, well, if I can-


Paul Goodman

Yeah?


Jen Blundell

Stable but unconscious, I think right?


Nell Heald

Mine is one D8 plus my spellcasting ability modifier.


Sara Keep

If they give you a plus amount of health, Jen, that’ll bring you back up to that.


Jen Blundell

Will it? Okay.


Sara keep

Yeah, it’s only if they did a medicine check that they would stabilize you.


Nell Heald

Fucking hell.


Jen Blundell

Oh, okay, right, yeah.


Nell Heald

I can’t believe of all- I rolled a six then a fucking eight.


Jen Blundell

Yeah, that’s a good roll.


Sara Keep

I mean it’s pretty brutal, but you did kill all those gnomes.


Paul Goodman

You did good work.


Jen Blundell

Six and an eight. Yeah, that was bloody-


Paul Goodman

I was worried that more than one of us was going to die.


Nell Heald

But not so early on.


Paul Goodman

No, I mean today.


Nell Heald

Oh, today. Right, okay.


Paul Goodman

So, look, this is fine.


Jen Blundell

She’s not dead yet, she’s just on the cusp of death.


Nell Heald

She’s unconscious or something.


Paul Goodman

She’s not dead. Yet.


Jen Blundell

Her kids aren’t orphans yet.


Sara Keep

Boggle goes in for another attack on you, Jump, and thankfully is back to his old self.


Jen Blundell

Moment of inspiration’s gone.


Sara Keep

Yeah. The confidence of having really stabbed you badly the first time makes him cocky and he does not manage a second.


Jen Blundell

Stopped believing in himself.


Paul Salt

You’re like a Dark Souls villain. He just needs to time it carefully, rush in, do a good attack, and then run away again.


Sara Keep

The other two gnome-


Nell Heald

Wait, I just realized I rolled the wrong dice. But I still rolled quite high on my- I rolled a D10 accidentally, but I still rolled an eleven?


Paul Salt

Should’ve been a D20.


Sara Keep

Oh, you still rolled an eleven?


Nell Heald

Eleven. Is that better?


Jen Blundell

She’s still dead. Yeah, no, she’s still unconscious.


Nell Heald

God damn it.


Sara Keep

Plus side, Nell, the gnomes are also still dead.


Nell Heald

Okay, right, okay. Sorry everybody, continue.


Sara Keep

The two remaining gnomes, seeing the absolute force that is Morric, decide to go for him.


Paul Salt

Yeah, yeah.


Paul Goodman

Fucking animal.


Sara Keep

But they also actually can’t actually attack. Which brings us back to Jump.


Paul Goodman

How many rounds does Margaret have before she- is it three rounds?


Sara Keep

Three, unless she rolls a critical failure.


Paul Goodman

Because if I were to go and do it now, Boggle would get an attack of opportunity.


Sara Keep

Yeah. You’ve probably got a chance to kill him.


Jen Blundell

I don’t think we’re in too dire straits right now. It could theoretically take four whole rounds, five rounds before you found out.


Paul Goodman

Okay, so, I’m going to do something called Thunderous Smite.


Nell Heald

Ooh, more thunder.


Jen Blundell

Kill me more, please.


Paul Goodman

But this is on a single target.


Jen Blundell

Okay, great, great, great.


Paul Goodman

But, you know, I like to think if it were on a group I would have done it anyway.


Paul Salt

Bleurgh strokes his tree appreciatively.


Paul Goodman

First time I hit with a melee weapon attack during this attack’s duration my weapon rings with thunder that is audible within 300 feet of you. The attack deals an extra two D6 of thunder damage to the target. Additionally, if the target is a creature it must succeed on a strength saving throw or be pushed ten feet away from you and knocked prone. So you can all hear the thunder, but it’s just annoying.


Sara Keep

Yeah, make that attack roll, then.


Paul Goodman

Okay.


Jen Blundell

What a noisy battle.


Paul Goodman

Noisy bunch of boys.


Jen Blundell

I’d do a loud spell next, except I’m dead. 


Paul Goodman

In my dreams, in my dead dreams. A thirteen?


Sara Keep

Thirteen hits.


Paul Goodman

Thank fuck! Frustrating day. Oh, I didn’t specify, but I think I’m going to whip out my flail because I’ve got the trident sort of embedded in the ground.


Sara Keep

Cool.


Paul Goodman

I whip out the flail, cast Thunderous Smite, my eyes glow even more impressively than usual and coolly, and hit him for one D8 bludgeoning damage. So, four bludgeoning damage. And then it’s two- well, you’ve got a strength saving throw on the thunder damage.


Sara Keep

Isn’t it- It’s just a strength saving throw to not be pushed back. I think the damage happens.


Paul Goodman

That is very true, I’ll just roll that damage. It may be irrelevant come the end of that.


Jen Blundell

I think it’s quite poetic, actually, that our group is destroying these bandits using noise.


Nell Heald

Yeah.


Paul Goodman

I would say so, yeah.


Jen Blundell

Yeah, thunderous music.


Paul Goodman

The next town will have definitely heard us coming and they’ll definitely, definitely book us a gig.


Nell Heald

Yeah, yeah.


Jen Blundell

Yep!


Paul Goodman

So that was four bludgeoning damage and then eight thunder damage.


Sara Keep

You hit Boggle with the bludgeoning damage and he looks back at you, like, one eye closed and bruised and says, [as Boggle] is that all you’ve got? And then the thunder just crumples him inwardly. [As Boggle] I regret nothing! And falls to the ground.


Paul Goodman

And standing over him, Jump goes, no, it isn’t all I’ve got. He looks quite pleased with himself.


Jen Blundell

I’d laugh at that, but I’m dead.


Paul Goodman

Hey, Maggie, d’ya see me? Oh.


Nell Heald

[As Jump] Oh, shit.


Paul Goodman

Sleeping on the job.


Sara Keep

Margaret-


Jen Blundell

Don’t mind me, just bleeding out.


Sara Keep

Well, could you make a death saving throw for me, Margaret?


Jen Blundell

Yeah, I can. Because I’m on the brink of death. Oh, that’s a save. That is a save.


Sara Keep

Great. [Ethereal music] Margaret, you are at home. You are in the place you know the best.


Jen Blundell

The toilet.


Sara Keep

But no one’s there. Your family isn’t there and you’re left wondering why they wouldn’t be there for you.


Jen Blundell

[Echoing] Joan? Kids? Joan? Joan? Where am I? But I don’t slip closer to death.


Sara Keep

No. Bleurgh-


Nell Heald

Few.


Jen Blundell

That would be awkward, wouldn’t it? You persuaded me to go on this journey and then killed me yourselves 300 feet down the road.


Nell Heald

And then killed you in the first ten minutes.


Paul Salt

The title comes up- “Thanks for everything, Grumpo Dewclaw.”


Nell Heald

Carry you back to Joan in five minutes, I’m so sorry.


Paul Goodman

Can we leave her with you?


Nell Heald

She’s a bit too much to carry the whole way.


Paul Goodman

We’ve still got to go on the adventure.


Sara Keep

[As one of the party] Are any of the kids up for the adventure, maybe?


Paul Goodman

Got my eye on Kit.


Paul Salt

We finally get to this fucking prison. Morric is the only one left alive, just scarred and beaten and arrives at the prison.


Paul Goodman

With all of our kids.


Paul Salt

Just looks at Grumpo and says, [as Morric] I hate you.


Sara Keep

Bleurgh, would you like to make another attack which is almost guaranteed to hit?


Paul Salt

I will appeal once more to the reason of the mighty Jerry. Jerry, you have withstood my poison inexplicably, I might say, and have proven very adept at absorbing arrows into your person. Now is your last opportunity, with all of your friends dead, and your prospects of murdering all of us fairly slim, especially with me in this fine tree. I will ask you once again to consider living long enough to tell the tale of what you have seen here today and of your noble colleagues who have died so mightily.


Sara Keep

Make another persuasion check but this time the DC is lower because you've done damage to him and a bunch of his friends are dead.


Paul Salt

And he thought it was really poetic, right?


Sara Keep

Yeah, no, yeah, that's it. He definitely didn’t just see his leader get crumpled into a ball of thunder.


Paul Salt

That is an eleven.


Sara Keep

You just did it. No, you just did it. It went from a fifteen to a ten and you just- so he staggers forward, the knife wavers in his hand before he sheaths it and limps off, looking back, but keeps going. That was your action- do you want to shoot an arrow at the perfectly healthy gnome or do you want to-


Paul Salt

Oh, there's one left? I thought we killed them all.


Sara Keep

Yeah, you convinced Jerry to leave, but there was one other.


Paul Salt

Who’s left? We killed Blistopher, Frances, Gregory-


Nell Heald

Blistopher? It was Clistopher.


Paul Salt

- And Boggle. Jerry we persuaded to leave. There were six in total?


Jen Blundell

Yeah, five more popped up. Boggle plus five.


Sara Keep

Yeah, six total.


Paul Salt

Who’s the last one?


Sara Keep

The last one is… Jondle.


Paul Salt

Jondle? Okay. Jondle, the same for you.


Sara Keep

Make a persuasion check, I guess.


Paul Salt

It’ll be less-


Paul Goodman

What he said.


Jen Blundell

What I said.


Paul Salt

Pointing at himself.


Paul Goodman

Ibid.


Paul Salt

That’s a ten. [Like a ribbit] Ibid.


Paul Goodman

Oh my God. It was a grammar joke and then it was a grammar and frog joke. Fuck yeah. Rate us on Itunes, everyone. Like, share, and subscribe.


Paul Salt

Inspiration point?


Sara Keep

No, a ten doesn’t quite do it. Do you want to-


Paul Salt

Oh, fuck. So long, mighty Jerry. I will keep your friends alive in poetry. Including this one here. And then I shoot him.


Sara Keep

Great, make that attack roll.


Paul Salt

That’s a nine plus everything I have.


Sara Keep

That’s going to do it. Roll your damage.


Paul Goodman

I was going to work more on my strength this journey, but I don’t think I need to.


Paul Salt

That’s a four.


Sara Keep

Great, four damage. He’s looking pretty rough, but still on his feet. We go now to Morric.


Nell Heald

Can I hastily move over to Margaret and cast Cure Wounds?


Paul Salt

Apologetically move over to Margaret.


Sara Keep

Yes.


Nell Heald

Great. Can I do that as a second level spell so I get two D8s to roll plus my-?


Jen Blundell

Oh, don't worry, I’m only minus one. [Whispering] I wouldn’t worry about it.


Sara Keep

Well, you might still need it. There’s more wounds to come.


Nell Heald

Yeah, let’s do it anyway.


Jen Blundell

You’ll kill me off again? You’re determined to kill Margaret off. I’ll play Kit. Don’t worry, i’m into it. Joan comes, that’s it. Joan comes as the avenging wife.


Paul Goodman

Fuck yeah.


Nell Heald

I got a nine altogether.


Jen Blundell

Nine? Sweet.


Sara Keep

Nine. Yeah, Margaret, in your house-


Nell Heald

Margaret!


Jen Blundell

Can I resist out of spite?


Sara Keep

- the door slams open and you just hear the kind voice of Morric pulling you back.


Nell Heald

Margaret, I’m so sorry. Are you alright?


Jen Blundell

Morric? I’m coming, Morric. She runs. It’s a bit of a waddle.


Nell Heald

I’ve got Margaret’s little face in my big hands. Margaret?


Jen Blundell

Morric!


Paul Goodman

Cumming is a sex thing as well.


Jen Blundell

And I sploosh everywhere.


Paul Salt

She’s alive!


Paul Goodman

The telltale sign.


Sara Keep

It’s now Jondle’s turn. Jondle doesn’t- Jondle- Jondle doesn’t.


Paul salt

Jondle does not.


Paul Goodman

Jondle? No.


Sara Keep

Jondle does not.


Nell Heald

No, no, Jondle doesn’t.


Paul Salt

[Singing] Some women jon-do, but Jondle doesn’t.


Jen Blundell

Jon-do, jon-doesn’t.


Sara Keep

Alright, so we move on to Jump. Jump, there is one bloodied gnome stood before you.


Paul Goodman

Okay. Jump turns to Jondle, pulls his trident out of the ground, and he goes you see, I thought I told you. Bandit is [vessel of Tyr voice] bad. And then he attacks him with the trident.


Paul Salt

#NotAllBandits


Paul Goodman

Jump hashtags HimToo, but doesn’t understand the meaning of that.


Paul Salt

He’s trying to use it to promote a new brand of chicken wing. “He loves it, #HimToo” I saw it was trending.


Paul Goodman

“Wow, getting a lot of love for this chicken snack.” So that is, fuck me, that is an eleven.


Sara Keep

Does not quite do it.


Nell Heald

You’re rusty. You’re rusty, it’s okay. It’s going to come back.


Paul Goodman

I’m rusty as.


Jen Blundell

We’re all rusty.


Sara Keep

But, maybe this is good. We return to the recently revived Margaret.


Jen Blundell

Ah, fuck me.


Paul Goodman

Revived and moist.


Jen Blundell

I’d forgotten what it was like to almost die.


Nell Heald

I’m sorry, Margaret.


Jen Blundell

I do not miss that.


Paul Salt

I’d forgotten what it was like to nearly be killed by Morric.


Jen Blundell

Jesus, Morric, when were the last time you knocked me out with one of your area spells? Oh, it takes me back. Are we still in battle?


Nell Heald

Yes, Margaret. Almost won. One to go.


Jen Blundell

Well, alright. Let me see what I can do. And I stopped paying attention to my spell because I was dead, so.


Nell Heald

Who needs ‘em?


Jen Blundell

I will cast Mind Sliver.


Sara Keep

Oh my God.


Paul Goodman

Ooh.


Nell Heald

This sounds swish.


Jen Blundell

Yeah. “You drive a disorienting spike of psychic energy into the mind of one creature you can see within range. The target will succeed on an intelligence saving throw or take one D6 psychic damage and subtract one D4 from the next saving throw it makes before the end of your next turn.”


Sara Keep

Okay, so what saving throw? Is it intelligence?


Jen Blundell

Yeah, I’m not sure if I still have to do an attack roll.


Sara Keep

I don’t think so.


Jen Blundell

Oh yeah, it’ll be an intelligence save.


Paul Goodman

DM, I would like to suggest- DGM, I would like to suggest that Jondle has some sort of disadvantage based on the two thunder sounds that have assaulted his senses.


Sara Keep

Listen, you can suggest that all you want and it would not matter because Jondle did not roll well enough on the first go. So you see Jondle, already quite-


Jen Blundell

It’s a twelve that he would have to beat.


Sara Keep

Didn’t. Did not.


Paul Goodman

No?


Sara Keep

You see his eyes glaze over and blood starts to trickle out of his tear ducts.


Jen Blundell

Let me do my one D6.


Paul Goodman

Thought you were going to say tits. Right out of his gnomey tits.


Jen Blundell

That’s a five.


Sara Keep

And he crumples to the ground, dead.


Jen Blundell

OH, that feels good.


Sara Keep

And you are left amongst the wreckage of this brutal fight. You were led to believe, you were maybe disarmed by the ineptitude of the gnomes at first, but this was more brutal than you were expecting. And it feels different than how things were ten years ago. The camaraderie and joy you found in the victory then isn’t, I imagine, what you’re feeling now. You’re probably feeling tired.


Paul Goodman

Speak for yourself.


Nell Heald

My knees hurt.


Jen Blundell

Yeah, Margaret probably asks Morric for a hand up and then realizes she threw her shoulder a little bit whilst chucking that warhammer around.


Sara Keep

Oh, you still need to go find the warhammer.


Jen Blundell

Just reminds her that she does. ‘Scuse me, has anybody seen my warhammer ™? Sorry, Battlehammer. My Battlehammer ™ warhammer?


Paul Goodman

Hey, at least this takes the focus away from your vagina pain.


Jen Blundell

Yes, thank you for reminding me of that.


Nell Heald

What?


Paul Goodman

It’s a callback. I listened to the first two episodes.


Nell Heald

Oh…


Jen Blundell

Ah yes, that. Thankfully, this is very distracting.


Paul Goodman

Great, yeah.


Nell Heald

Is this from childbirth?


Paul Goodman

I would assume so, but I was talking about a different one that Maggie told us about when she told us why she definitely couldn’t come on this trip. Anyway-


Jen Blundell

Thankfully it magically resolved itself so we never need to talk about it again.


Paul Salt

Comrades, I must urgently interrupt this discussion of Margaret’s vagina to bring news that I have completed the poem to commemorate our worthy foes.


Jen Blundell

Oh, excellent. THhs is like old times. Come on, do this bit.


Paul Goodman

Flip yeah, let’s hear it.


Paul Salt

Boggle and Jerry

Gregory and Francis and

Clistopher and Jondle


Nell Heald

I’m pretty sure he’s been Plistopher, Blistopher, and Clistopher.


Paul Goodman

That is pure poetry, man. You summed it up to a T. Truly, you are the talented one in this group.


Paul Salt

I love the idea that the poem is extremely straightforward but still got one of their names wrong.


Paul Goodman

Been a busy day


Paul Salt

A single tear pours- pours? Yeah, pours down.


Jen Blundell

Tiny frog, massive tears.


Paul Salt

At which point he realizes that he needs to submerge himself in water today. Is there a lake?


Jen Blundell

Find a puddle.


Paul Goodman

Tell you what, though, those kids coming around, slapping your local paladin? See where they ended up.


Jen Blundell

Oh, aye, I guess we did show them, eventually.


Paul Goodman

Yeah, but you just didn’t see that on the road last time, did you?


Paul Salt

They waged everything and lost. It is a great tragedy.


Paul Goodman

Not one of them even called us “sir.”


Jen Nlundell

NO, I do miss that. I guess we’re not quite the threatening bunch we used to be,


Paul Goodman

I reckon it’s the children who are wrong.


Paul Salt

Perhaps there is less honor in our fighting than I had previously thought.  I will reflect on this as I sharpen my bow. My bow? Yes, my bow.


Jen Blundell

I think it’s- that’s the problem. Sharper bow.


Paul Goodman

Quest Fantastic is Jen Blundell as Margaret Battlehammer, Nell Heald as Morric, Paul Salt as Bleurgh, Paul Goodman as Jump Fundenden and Sara Keep as everyone else. Story by Sara Keep. Music and editing by me. Thank you so much for listening to episode three. In the next episode, the Justyce Loving Friends venture into the Wild Eye Woods, but now they’re back in the relative groove, I foresee only good things. Speaking of next episode, we’re going to be changing the day on which our episodes are released to Monday so we can all start the week with a dose of Supercali-Quest Fantastic-expialidocious. So the next episode will be released on Monday, the 21st of February, which is only a week and a half away. But don’t tell anyone else or then they’ll want some. Tell everyone else. Again, it’s been humbling how many people have gotten in touch this past fortnight to say that they loved the show. So thanks for everything, Grupo Dewclaw to you all. If you want to help us out, to be the Boggle to our sense of justice, word of mouth is absolutely the best way of getting our name out there. So if you like the show, tell a friend, leave us a review, spread the word on social media, give your gran a call. The one you haven’t called in a while because of the racism, and tell her about Quest Fantastic. It’ll be good for her, character building, hairs on the chest. But most importantly, subscribe on your favorite podcatcher. Transcripts of our episodes are going out on our website courtesy of Jen. If you want more from us, Jen and Sara host the queer actual play podcast Roll Plus Heart, where they play a whole host of short length TTRPGs. Paul Salt is a film critic for Screen Mayhem and hosts the podcast Jen and the Film Critic with monstrous harridan Jen Blundell. And Salt and I host the podcast One Good Thing where we find good things in bad movies because we have a lot to give and don’t go on about it that much. You can find us on Twitter and Facebook at Quest Fantastic, send us an email at gmail at questfantastic@gmail.com and Sara is on Twitter at PenguinPanic for all of her beautiful artwork. All other links and handles will be in the episode description. So, see you all on Monday, Feb 21st for another excellent quest... excellent. Bye!

Paul Goodman
Next

Episode 2. Thanks For Everything, Grumpo Dewclaw (Pilot) Pt. 2