Episode 1. Thanks For Everything, Grumpo Dewclaw (Pilot) Pt. 1
Episode 1. Thanks for Everything, Grumpo Dewclaw (pilot) Pt. 1
Sara Keep 00:00
Hello and welcome to the show. We are playing Dungeons and Dragons fifth edition. And joining me are these noble adventurers.
Paul Goodman 00:10
These buff adventurers boys.
Sara Keep 00:11
These big strong, adventurers, rowdy and ready to go.
Jen Blundell 00:15
Tasty, hunky adventurers.
Paul Goodman 00:16
I had been working out, I’m glad you noticed, especially for the podcast.
Sara Keep 00:19
Not lost on me. Sadly the listening audience can’t see your big old guns.
Paul Goodman 00:25
They can hear the strain in my neck muscles that it takes to lift up my massive head muscles.
Sara Keep 00:29
They can hear your shirt just tearing apart at the seams.
Paul Goodman 00:31
There will be multiple t-shirt change breaks.
Paul Salt 00:33
Fuck that guy’s got a buff head.
Sara Keep 00:34
So anyway, who the hell are you?
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Paul Goodman 00:36
Well, who the hell are you?
Sara Keep 00:37
I’m Sara Keep, and I will be the GM for this adventure.
Paul Salt 00:41
GM, love it. Less conventional, more correct. And that’s me. [laughter] Hi, everyone. I’m Paul Salt. And I’m the guy from Screen Mayhem, main film critic, and also one half of One Good Thing and also do other stuff that I need to do to pay rent.
Jen Blundell 00:55
Do you ever call yourself half a good thing? 0.5 good thing?
Paul Goodman 00:59
When you’re out and about trying to impress people.
Paul Salt 01:03
Not quite a good thing in and of ourselves.
Paul Goodman 01:06
Nary a good thing. But always try hard. And that’s me, I’m Paul Goodman. Other half of One Good Thing, nary a good thing, and I have never recorded a podcast before.
Paul Salt 01:15
Rightly so.
Jen Blundell 01:16
Lies. Filthy lies.
Paul Goodman 01:19
You got me, there was that one time.
Jen Blundell 01:21
Filthy lies made to make the rest of us look bad.
Paul Salt 01:25
And that’s me, Jen Blundell. [laughter]
Jen Blundell 01:26
And that’s me, Jen Blundell. And I *am* a baby podcaster. I am… What am I?
Paul Salt 01:34
What am I?
Jen Blundell 01:35
What am I?
Paul Goodman 01:36
Already established alpha of the group? [laughter]
Jen Blundell 01:38
Oh, yeah. Yeah, strong alpha.
Sara Keep 01:40
Sower of chaos.
Paul Salt 01:41
Star of OGT Patreon content, Jen Blundell.
Jen Blundell 01:46
Strong alpha, star… the real star of OGT. Mother of chaos, and player on the other podcast that is also great called Role Plus Heart.
Paul Salt 01:58
Yay.
Jen Blundell 01:59
[pause] It’s good. And long-established. [laughter]
Nell Heald 02:02
Hello. I’m Nell and I’m a podcast virgin ahhhhhh gross. [laughter]
Paul Goodman 02:08
*pops* That’s the sound of your cherry poppin right out.
Sara Keep 02:10
Awwwww god!
Paul Salt 02:11
It shouldn’t come out!
Jen Blundell 02:12
It shouldn’t come out.
Nell Heald 02:13
I think I’m gonna leave now.
Paul Goodman 02:17
Depends how much of a shoehorn you are.
Paul Salt 02:19
I feel like Nell’s had the most authentic podcast experience of any of us now.
Sara Keep 02:23
Yeah, this is the energy we’re bringing to the intro.
Jen Blundell 02:27
It’s all downhill from here.
Paul Goodman 02:29
Listeners, listeners, what awaits you.
Sara Keep 02:30
We appreciate you trying this podcast out.
Jen Blundell 02:33
I’m sorry.
Sara Keep 02:34
And we understand you leaving now.
Paul Salt 02:36
Thanks. Thanks. Anyway,
Nell Heald 02:37
Thanks. Bye. Bye bye.
Paul Goodman 02:40
Okay, well, we’re done dicking around – Sara?
Sara Keep 02:42
Yeah, we have to have a definitive dicking… end…
Paul Salt 02:47
Oh, I’m glad that’s gonna be delineated as we go forward.
Paul Goodman 02:51
Well, you heard it here first, we all need a definitive dicking, just once in our lives. [laughter]
Sara Keep 02:57
[atmospheric music starts to play] There’s no place to begin like the beginning.
Paul Goodman 03:00
All right.
Sara Keep 03:01
And so we’re just going to jump straight into it. Acts of heroism are often thankless and great evils are rid from the world without many people even knowing. It’s that selfless drive that sent an adventuring party of five noble heroes out on the long, treacherous road to the Iron Forge, deep in the frozen ridge, to destroy a sinister artefact that posed a great threat to humanity. But that was 10 years ago. Time moves on and so did the adventurers. We open on the peaceful town of Lower Coastberg, an idyllic market town where four out of five of these adventurers decided to settle down and call home. The new sunrise is casting early morning shadow across the buildings. And we focus in on the Coastberg Centre of Learning, where a hardy dwarf is dropping her kids off. Jen, can you please introduce your character?
Jen Blundell 03:58
Yeah, so I’m going to be playing a dwarven sorcerer called Margaret Battlehammer. Now Margaret is umm she’s sort of later middle aged, and she prefers a darker aesthetic. Sort of still wearing those old band t-shirts that are a little bit faded, a little bit saggy nowadays, but she thinks back very fondly on those old adventuring times. Those days back when she swung her battle hammer in uhhh… in battle, funnily enough, with a fury that was something to behold. But now Margaret’s, you know, she’s found the love of her life. She has settled down. She’s had a couple of kids and she’s happy. Really. She’s… she’s really happy. Suburbia… suburbia is suiting her really… She’s happy, okay? She’s really happy. She’s really loving it. And…
Paul Goodman 04:54
So back off. [laughter]
Jen Blundell 04:56
It’s going really well. It’s okay, no, it’s, it’s great. It’s great and she’s happy. She is but… she eyes that battle hammer occasionally.
Paul Goodman 05:07
Just checking out that battle hammer.
Paul Salt 05:08
You mean herself in the mirror? [laughter]
Jen Blundell 05:09
Oh, it’s called a war hammer, isn’t it?
Paul Goodman 05:12
She’s calls it a battle hammer, and you’re not going to argue with her.
Sara Keep 05:15
You can call it whatever you want.
Jen Blundell 05:16
Her family make hammers and those ones are branded and they’re called battle hammers. So it’s like calling, you know, it’s like Kleenex tissues, but Battlehammer Warhammers.
Paul Salt 05:26
Battlehammer Warhammers.
Sara Keep 05:27
Pretty wordy when you say like that. So don’t say it like that. [laughter]
Jen Blundell 05:31
I won’t.
Paul Goodman 05:31
It’s great SEO.
Paul Salt 05:32
But most commonly known as bammers.
Paul Goodman 05:34
Maggie’s bammers. [laughter]
Sara Keep 05:35
As you bring your kids to the school gate, they’re sort of pushing, shoving around, being rambunctious…
Jen Blundell 05:43
[pause] Yeah? Oh, I thought you’re gonna say something else.
Sara Keep 05:46
No, I was expecting you to be a parent to these children. [laughter]
Paul Goodman 05:49
Oh shit.
Jen Blundell 05:50
Oh God. I forgot about the realities of this.
Paul Salt 05:52
What have you done, Jen?
Paul Goodman 05:53
You fucking mad fool.
Jen Blundell 05:55
Are we in something like a Citroen… a Citreon…
Paul Salt 05:58
Horsewagon.
Jen Blundell 05:58
A Citroen Picasso horsewagon. [laughter]
Sara Keep 06:01
Yeah. I don’t know what made you think there would be cars in this world.
Jen Blundell 06:06
Magic, we’ve got magic but no cars.
Sara Keep 06:10
Car…t. [laughter]
Jen Blundell 06:10
Caaaar…t.
Paul Salt 06:11
Let me finish – Citroen Picasso car…t.
Sara Keep 06:14
Yes, you’re driving in a Citroen Picasso car…t. One horsepower. Name the horse. [laughter]
Nell Heald 06:20
One horsepower!
Jen Blundell 06:23
Bertie.
Paul Salt 06:23
Bertie!
Paul Goodman 06:24
Bertie. Fucking love that horse.
Jen Blundell 06:27
Already the star. So Margaret’s on the front seat, obviously. The kids are in the back, jostling each other, and she leans over on the armrest and leans back and is like, [speaking in a broad West Lancashire accent] Oi, all of you. All right, I’ve had enough. Calm down. Get out. Come on, time for school. Hillary, do you have your maths book?
Sara Keep 06:43
… No.
Jen Blundell 06:45
Jeez, it’s alright. I’ll drop it off later. Umm… I forgot what I named my children. [laughter] That’s normal, right? That’s what real parents do.
Sara Keep 06:54
That’s in character. Carol, Hillary and Kit.
Jen Blundell 06:58
Kit, that was it.
Paul Salt 07:00
Kit’s gonna be a piece of shit.
Jen Blundell 07:04
Carol, take your brother’s hand. Come on, help them out. Come on.
Sara Keep 07:07
Do I have to?
Jen Blundell 07:08
Yes. Look, I’m parked on double yellows here. Come on, out the door.
Paul Goodman 07:12
What do double yellows mean in fantasy land, in Lower Coastberg?
Paul Salt 07:15
Turned into a troll if you park here.
Jen Blundell 07:17
Yeah, if I stay another 30 seconds we all turn to stone.
Paul Goodman 07:21
Eternal curse.
Paul Salt 07:23
But a single yellow, that’s just a 20 pound fine.
Jen Blundell 07:25
20 gold fine. It’s that for about five minutes of just, Please, come on. Please, move, please. Yes, I’ll bring it. Yes, I promise. And remember, you’ve got badminton after school. Yes, I know your sister pulled your hair. But it’s okay.
Paul Salt 07:38
[imitating Margaret] I told her to do that. [laughter]
Sara Keep 07:41
As you finally usher the last child out of the car. You see Miss Grunfeld, the Deputy Head Teacher, trying to flag you down. Miss Battlehammer? Can we talk for a second, Miss Battlehammer?
Jen Blundell 07:56
Miss Grunfeld… I’m… let me just… let me just park up and I’ll be right with you. I pull round into the teachers’ carpark and just fucking dump the cart. [laughter]
Paul Goodman 08:07
Across a couple of empty spaces.
Paul Salt 08:09
Bertie sprawled over the next cart.
Jen Blundell 08:12
Yeah, she takes a second in the car. Takes a deep breath. Puts on her happy parent face and gets on out. She’s like, I can do this. What seems to be the problem, Mrs Grundelfeld?
Sara Keep 08:25
It’s about Kit. He’s been using a cantrip Poison Spray on certain teachers to make them projectile vomit during class.
Jen Blundell 08:33
Has he?
Sara Keep 08:34
Now, this isn’t Clammy Slappers Fancy School for Magic Lads. [laughter] We do not encourage the teaching of or use of magic spells within these halls.
Jen Blundell 08:41
No. No. And it would be a shame for him as a budding young sorcerer to express himself and practise those skills in a school. You’re right.
Sara Keep 08:54
I know that you and your children must think that you’re exempt from the rules because your sorceress bloodline but it will not be tolerated.
Jen Blundell 09:03
You’re quite right.
Sara Keep 09:04
If this happens again, he will be expelled from this institution. Do I make myself clear?
Jen Blundell 09:09
Yes, I believe you do. Perfectly clear. Perfectly clear. I can promise you from the bottom of my heart it’s not going to happen again.
Sara Keep 09:17
She narrows her eyes at you.
Jen Blundell 09:18
I’m sure it’ll all be fine. You have a lovely day, Miss Grundelfeld.
Sara Keep 09:24
Indeed…
Jen Blundell 09:24
Thank you for this lovely news this morning.
Sara Keep 09:26
[pause] You can’t park there.
Jen Blundell 09:29
You love your job, don’t you? [laughter] It fills you with joy. That’s obvious to see.
Sara Keep 09:33
She senses your non-subtle aggression.
Jen Blundell 09:40
Can I roll deception to hide that?
Sara Keep 09:42
Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, let’s see. That’s fair. And maybe I’ll make Miss Grunfeld roll a flat perception check.
Paul Goodman 09:49
[singing] First roll of the game.
Sara Keep 09:51
[singing] And it’s on something stupid.
Jen Blundell 09:54
Getting it in early because sometimes I forget you gotta roll during these games, otherwise people are like, you just did improv for two hours and it wasn’t funny. [laughter]
Sara Keep 10:03
They just did a play, they just did a play about some magic weirdos.
Paul Salt 10:07
It’s magic weirdos a potential title?
Jen Blundell 10:10
Magic weirdos! It’s pretty good. [sighs] Ten.
Sara Keep 10:19
Oooh, Grunfeld’s flat perception was a 17. She can tell you’re not being sincere.
Paul Goodman 10:25
She just fucking loves those kids though.
Sara Keep 10:27
She narrows her eyes at you. I’m watching you, Miss Battlehammer.
Jen Blundell 10:32
And I’m watching you, Miss Grundelfeld. Remember I’m on the PTA.
Sara Keep 10:37
Yes. Yes, you’re definitely pull your weight there.
Jen Blundell 10:41
Oh aye. Well, someone’s got to keep an eye on how this school’s run. For the good of the kids.
Sara Keep 10:46
For the good of the kids.
Jen Blundell 10:48
Because let’s be real. We’re both here, we’re all here for the good of the kids.
Sara Keep 10:52
[increasing snarkiness] Oh, the kids come first.
Jen Blundell 10:55
For the good of the kids.
Sara Keep 10:56
For the good of the kids.
Jen Blundell 10:58
Aye. You have a dice- nice day now, all right?
Paul Salt 11:01
You have a dicey day. [laughter]
Sara Keep 11:03
Likewise.
Jen Blundell 11:05
Oh, I will.
Sara Keep 11:06
She storms off into the school.
Jen Blundell 11:09
And I can also storm off… and I do.
Paul Salt 11:12
Into the school.
Jen Blundell 11:13
Away from the school.
Paul Goodman 11:14
[imitating Margaret] I’m your teacher now. [laughter]
Jen Blundell 11:15
And I get in my car.
Sara Keep 11:16
Into your cart where you have to do an awkward three-point turn out of the car park.
Paul Salt 11:21
Bertie doesn’t play along.
Paul Goodman 11:23
[imitating Margaret] Go Bertie!
Jen Blundell 11:23
Come on. Forward, forward, Bertie. Bertie! Bertie stops to do a shit for a bit. And I’m like, I know I should pick that up but… nah.
Paul Salt 11:30
Fuck this place.
Paul Goodman 11:33
[imitating Margaret] I’m head of the PTA. Is “have a dice day” a good name for a podcast? [laughter]
Sara Keep 11:37
I mean, it was a good slip, wasn’t it?
Paul Goodman 11:42
It’s a saying that has been going around Lower Coastberg. Nobody really knows where it came from, but it felt kind of right.
Jen Blundell 11:47
Something in our bones.
Sara Keep 11:48
It’s worth googling. But we go now into the school, and in particular to the General Studies class. The students are being particularly rowdy, throwing stuff, yelling, when through the door walks and intimidating figure. Goodman, can you please introduce your character?
Paul Salt 12:08
Oh, I thought it might be me. [laughter]
Paul Goodman 12:10
And then in walks another intimidating figure. Yeah, so I’m playing Jump Fundenden, who was a paladin. He subscribed to the teachings and power of Tyr, God of Justice of the Forgotten Realms. He’s aasimar as well. So he’s a being that blazes with divine energy at all times. And he’s trying to keep a bit of a low profile now the adventuring is over. You know, he doesn’t want his big name and his feats to get in the way of just trying to teach these good kids some good. So he wears a cap. He wears tinted glasses just to keep that low profile to try and hide his identity. He also has a t-shirt that says “I’m the vessel of Tyr God of Justice, how was your weekend on it?” [laughter] But keeps it pretty shtum. He is a big beefy boys, he’s pretty tall. He has got those guns, or what would you call them? He’s got those magic missiles. [laughter] And… but he has got a bit of a gut now, he’s a bit out of shape. But he’s always got that twinkle in his eye, you know? And yeah, of course, you know, he’s happy. Definitely happy. He’s got these great kids, he’s got a lot of teaching to do, got a lot of good to teach. That adventure was fun ten years ago, of course it was, but he’s a big deal now in Lower Coastberg. And he comes in and he looks at these rowdy kids. He takes a big old sniff of the fantasy coffee, and he goes, [speaking in a high energy voice] Kids, kids, what did I say? No running! Unless it’s for a governor of good or into the maws of evil. Hey, guys? Guys. I’m serious. [in a voice of divine power] GUYS. And then they all stop.
Sara Keep 13:34
Yep, the classroom goes silent. People freeze mid, like, throwing paper and just like, look over at you before sheepishly sitting down in their chairs.
Paul Goodman 13:44
Great. What beautiful days it is, kids. Oh, so good. So good to see you all here. I’m ready to teach you all some good. I’m gonna teach you some real good, teach you to do some good. That’s what General Studies is, you know, that’s what it means to me. It makes me so happy seeing you all sitting around here, eyes looking up at me in some sort of fugue state of awe and joy. And I just want to say that, even though, you know, I’m nothing special, I’ve done a lot of good. I play the lute in a band. Let’s do some good. And then I turn around and start drawing different kinds of evil on the blackboard.
Nell Heald 14:17
Blackboard?
Sara Keep 14:18
I’ll allow a fantasy blackboard.
Paul Salt 14:19
It’s a blackboard but you can never erase anything. You’re etching it into the wall of the place.
Jen Blundell 14:24
Yeah, chiselled.
Paul Goodman 14:25
Yeah, that’s because Jump carves everything in with the point of his trident and on this lesson, which is his third lesson, so he’s ruined three of the walls now, he’s just drawing different kinds of evil. You’ve got obvious evil, which is, you know, like a demon with glowing red eyes and fire. You’ve got less obvious evil, which is…
Paul Salt 14:44
Using a phone in the cinema. [laughter]
Paul Goodman 14:45
Yeah, exactly. Phone in the cinema. Someone who stands in a post office queue tutting to themselves rather than saying anything.
Jen Blundell 14:52
Oh, I might be obvious evil.
Paul Goodman 14:53
Well, it’s a fine line they tread, and also probably like an amorphus evil, just like blobs of matter. And these are the ones, kids. Flipping heck, kids, these are the ones you got to watch out for. These are the ones are going to get into… the tutting, you know, you can take them out, identify them as an agent of evil, they’re dead, boom. The amorphus evil, you have to look out for every single time.
Sara Keep 15:13
You see a kid raise their hand.
Paul Goodman 15:15
Yes, Juniper?
Sara Keep 15:18
Are you evil?
Paul Goodman 15:19
Juniper, Juniper, Juniper. Settle down, kids, it’s all right. I’ve used to being asked these sorts of questions. I’ve had a lot of experience, you could call me an old hat. And he sits down, he goes to sit on a table like near Juniper. Like, he just leans back and sort of sits on the edge of the table, puts his foot on a stool, and he goes, Sometimes, Juniper, people of good, even people who are so good, you know, like people who followed gods, let’s say, Tyr God of Justice, they have to do so much good that sometimes… sometimes it comes across as evil. But actually, when you consider that the people that I’m doing that “evil” to… and he points at the less obvious evil… That evil becomes good. Yeah?
Sara Keep 16:00
Another kid raises their hand.
Paul Goodman 16:03
Yeah? Tom. Tomathy.
Sara Keep 16:06
Sir, is this the actual curriculum? I thought you were meant to teach us how to balance a chequebook?
Paul Goodman 16:12
I’ll tell you a thing about general studies, Tomathy. I’m a bit of an old hat in this game as well. And General Studies is more about what’s good and what’s bad and preparing you for vocational courses and identifying agents of evil. Okay? So basically what I’m saying is… we can do whatever we want. At Christmas I’ll do a class about fantasy Martin Luther King. It’s gonna be, it’s gonna be great. Anything else? [laughter]
Sara Keep 16:36
So many anachronism.
Paul Goodman 16:38
Fantasy Martin Luther King was a real big figurehead in Lower Coastberg as well.
Paul Salt 16:42
You mean King Martin Luther?
Paul Goodman 16:44
King Martin Luther. That’s it. Martin Luther comma King… of Lower Coastberg. He really stood up for the unions in Lower Coastberg. He was crushed, obviously. But he stood up for the unions. Before they were criminalised.
Sara Keep 17:00
We’re really building out the lore here. Hey, Jump. Could you make a constitution saving throw for me real quick? [laughter]
Paul Goodman 17:07
I absolutely could. That’s a big fat nine. Pretty distracted, talking about evil.
Sara Keep 17:13
Yeah, you are distracted, talking about evil, and you feel your stomach begin to churn. As if maybe someone had casts the cantrip Poison Spray on you.
Jen Blundell 17:23
Don’t worry, Goodman, I’ll be having a fucking word.
Nell Heald 17:26
What colour are your trousers? [laughter]
Jen Blundell 17:28
Good question. Important question.
Sara Keep 17:30
Are you immune to poisons?
Paul Salt 17:31
Would it be a race thing?
Paul Goodman 17:33
I may be at a later level…
Paul Salt 17:34
Which is also a question I meant to ask earlier about King Martin Luther. [laughter]
Paul Goodman 17:37
Okay, so I have Divine Health, which makes me immune to disease. Is that the same thing?
Sara Keep 17:43
You know, what I think it is. So you feel your stomach churn but you-
Paul Goodman 17:46
But it passes through.
Sara Keep 17:47
Yeah, it’s just like a little, just a little bit of gas. And you can immediately see Kit Battlehammer removing his hand from an active position.
Paul Goodman 17:59
So what Jump does to that, because you know, he’s an experienced teacher at this stage, he turns around, he gets up from the table, goes back to the board, and says, You want an example? The difference between good and evil? Say, say one of the students in here were to poison me, or to attempt to poison me anyway, heh, excuse me, cause me a little bit of gas – then he starts drawing just crazy arrows between all the different kinds of evil – One could say that this is evil intent, but then he’s probably just trying to impress his friends or probably maybe just a call for attention. I don’t know, he’s in, he’s sharing a classroom with a pretty inspiring guy. Now, he turns to the class. Do you think that kid will be evil?
Sara Keep 18:33
… Yes.
Paul Goodman 18:35
Well, I mean, yes, that’s what, that’s what you think. Yeah, of course, but uhhh – and he looks at Kit – Completely, completely anonymously, I’m not gonna grass him up or anything, but I don’t think he’s evil. I think he’s a good kid. And I think he just needs to apply himself a bit better. You know, I think he just needs to embrace, I don’t know, say, Tyr God of Justice, and take an oath of conquest.
Sara Keep 18:57
[pause] Fuck you, Mr. Fundenden! [laughter]
Paul Goodman 18:59
[laughs awkwardly in character] That’s great, kids. Anyway, hah, class dismissed. What are we, 10 minutes in? [laughter] Off you go, you scamps!
Sara Keep 19:06
From here we cut across town to the local park, a place of outstanding beauty. And within one of the fountains, we find a weird little dude. Paul, please introduce your character.
Jen Blundell 19:22
Paul, you weird little dude. [laughter]
Paul Salt 19:25
On one of the lily pads just floating in the fountain, there’s a small figure, a very dignified looking fella, incredibly short. And he’s got his legs crossed, his webbed legs crossed, with a sort of loose pant that he’s wearing on them, which is very much part of the overall kimono that he has on, tied roughly around the waist. His sort of slimy little reptilian waist, with a little potbelly. And his magnificent face, his wide mouth and sticky out little eyes, which are closed at the moment – I assume that these things can close their eyes – and he’s in sort of peaceful contemplation, and says to himself, [speaking in a measured and serene voice] Long road with no end, a destination past. Confirmation. And pleased that he’s done a very good poem, he turns and scribbles it down onto a notepad that he strategically placed nearby.
Nell Heald 20:19
I hope it’s waterproof. [laughter]
Sara Keep 20:20
Yeah, I was gonna say, how wet is the notepad?
Paul Salt 20:23
It’s extraordinarily wet.
Nell Heald 20:24
Or maybe it can be like those fancy things we have in the real world where there’s paper made of stone and it’s waterproof.
Paul Salt 20:30
That’s pretty good, but it’s not. [laughter] That would be untraditional, and my guy is all about the tradition of his people. And that includes writing all of their excellent poetry, their famous poetry, onto very soggy bits of paper, because it is lost, very much like individual life in the great turning of the world.
Sara Keep 20:54
As these poetic thoughts and musings cross his mind, a park warden approaches. [in an awkward voice] Sir, can you please step out of the fountain?
Paul Salt 21:05
He does. He does a very calm sort of dive into the water and then emerges fully formed, stood upright at all of his to two and a half feet, and looks up. How can I help you, sir?
Sara Keep 21:19
Well, I mean, we just, we don’t normally let people swim in the fountain, is all.
Paul Salt 21:26
My friend, you must be new here. I am very well known to the owner of this park and all of its superintendents. My name is Bleugh [a guttural and inhuman word].
Sara Keep 21:36
I’m sorry. It seems like you coughed when you meant to say your name.
Paul Salt 21:40
The misunderstanding is entirely understandable. You see, I am of the noble grung race and the great Wibudser tribe and my name is Bleugh.
Sara Keep 21:52
Oh, oh, okay. All right. Let’s see if I can… Bluyg. Is that, was that right?
Paul Salt 21:59
It is an admirable first attempt from which there will only be improvement. Please join me in your second attempt at my name. [much laughter]
Paul Goodman 22:21
Oh, fuck me.
Paul Salt 22:26
Shit… [laughs] Bleugh.
Sara Keep 22:29
Bleuygh.
Paul Salt 22:29
Close enough, my newest friend.
Sara Keep 22:32
Wow. Okay, well, I’m Kevin.
Paul Salt 22:34
Khrikkrak? [laughter]
Sara Keep 22:34
Ke- Ke- Kevin.
Paul Salt 22:40
Kevaan.
Sara Keep 22:41
Close enough, my newest friend!
Paul Salt 22:44
We are joined in a mutual state of comprehension of when we are addressing each other. It is a great day for us both.
Sara Keep 22:51
Wow. Wait, so what are you, what are you doing? What are you doing in the fountain?
Paul Salt 22:55
I was attempting self-mastery in the form of poetic verse.
Sara Keep 22:58
That’s definitely not allowed in the park, sir. [laughter]
Paul Salt 23:00
[laughs] Yes! Come on now. My friend, I am already extremely proficient in the art of which you speak. This is a wholly other art, the art of expression through highly contrived metre.
Sara Keep 23:17
Oh, like poems. Like the bards do.
Paul Salt 23:20
Yes. Only this is a far purer form of self-expression in as much as it’s not distracted by any possibility of enjoyment by others. [laughter]
Sara Keep 23:29
I’ll be the judge of that! Can you say one of your fancy words pairings?
Paul Salt 23:35
I feel it would be very redundant to repeat the one I’ve just composed. So allow me to tell you one of my pre-existing, far better established poems. Uhm. Sunset.. is… very… [laughter]
Sara Keep 23:51
I knew if I put you on the spot that you may be in trouble and I was very willing to do it.
Paul Salt 23:56
I don’t know what you’re talking about, this is going exactly as planned. [laughter]
Sara Keep 23:59
Sunset is very?
Paul Salt 24:01
Sunset is very… beaut… Beau..ti…ful… to me… sir. Yes!
Sara Keep 24:08
[laughs] Right, and that was-
Paul Salt 24:14
Fragrant blossom divine.
Sara Keep 24:16
– oh, it’s not over. Okay.
Paul Salt 24:17
No. There’s traditionally three lines. Spring blossom divine.
Sara Keep 24:21
Right.
Paul Salt 24:23
Please say the poem back to me so that I know that you will be able to take it with you always.
Sara Keep 24:28
The sunshine hits the morning dew on a Saturday afternoon. And God said unto him I love the cherry blossom trees. Is that what you just said? [laughter]
Paul Salt 24:39
A single tear streams down Bleugh’s face.
Sara Keep 24:42
Is that a good tear? Are you happy?
Paul Salt 24:44
You may be the most individual man I’ve ever met, Kevaan.
Sara Keep 24:47
Wow. Anyway, basically, I think you’re not meant to swim in the fountain but at the same time, I think you’ve convinced me that you are.
Paul Salt 24:58
I’m very glad. If need be, I would not want you to get into any trouble with your supervisors, I will gladly accompany you to the cottage of the groundskeeper.
Sara Keep 25:07
Oh, sounds good. He puts his hand out to a hold your hand.
Paul Salt 25:10
He, he… yeah, that should be fine. He licks it slightly. His tongue isn’t poisonous.
Sara Keep 25:16
Oh! Okay, let’s, let’s head off. Let’s head off to the cottage then.
Paul Salt 25:21
After you, Kevaan.
Sara Keep 25:22
And hand in hand, you head off across the park.
Paul Salt 25:26
Oh, hand in hand?
Sara Keep 25:27
Hand in tongue, my apologies.
Paul Salt 25:29
He’s gonna have to take some sort of constitution saving throw.
Sara Keep 25:31
Oh Christ, I had forgotton you had poison.
Paul Salt 25:34
Ever the DM.
Sara Keep 25:34
I see, I see. Yeah, I was hoping for a pleasant moment of connection between you and your new friend. But unfortunately the realities of your character have brought sad circumstances to this. And we’ll see if Kevin has a good constitution.
Paul Salt 25:57
We’ll see if Kevin survives this!
Sara Keep 25:59
Well, guess what, Kevin! That’s the first nat 20 of the game.
Jen Blundell 26:03
Oh, yay!
Sara Keep 26:04
He doesn’t feel anything.
Paul Salt 26:08
I knew I could trust you, Kevan.
Paul Goodman 26:11
[singing quietly] I don’t want to wait for our lives to be over. [laughter]
Sara Keep 26:12
So yeah, a happy ending was had in the park.
Paul Goodman 26:18
Oh Jesus! [laughter]
Paul Salt 26:19
Oh shit!
Jen Blundell 26:19
Ooh, was it?
Paul Salt 26:20
A bit more self-mastery going on again.
Paul Goodman 26:22
Nasty.
Sara Keep 26:22
OK, gonna take that again. Gonna take that again.
Jen Blundell 26:26
No, I think that was the perfect, I’m not going to allow you to do it again.
Paul Goodman 26:28
Someone came their eyes out in the park.
Nell Heald 26:31
Ohhh.
Sara Keep 26:32
This is a family podcast.
Jen Blundell 26:35
Mm.
Paul Salt 26:36
Sorry, let’s let Sara take that again.
Sara Keep 26:39
Okay. And… you jerked Kevin off. [laughter]
Paul Salt 26:42
Yep.
Paul Goodman 26:43
Family podcast. I mean, it’s a dirty family podcast. It’s a family of weirdos.
Paul Salt 26:47
I’m gonna need everyone I jerked off to take a DC 12 constitution check.
Paul Goodman 26:51
[laughs] Oh shit. Oh, natch 20.
Paul Salt 26:54
I can only wank off other grungs, I’m afraid.
Paul Goodman 26:58
This is canon. This is all, this is still the scene.
Sara Keep 27:01
This is canon. Oh god. I’m gonna take it again. And you and Kevin walk off hand in hand towards the cottage.
Paul Salt 27:10
Phwoar!
Jen Blundell 27:10
Where you wank. Together! Mutually.
Sara Keep 27:13
Lastly, we move now to the farmlands on the edge of town, bordering the forest, where we find a tall Firbolg tending to his crops. Nell, can you please introduce your character?
Nell Heald 27:26
He is a Firbolg. Fi- Fur- Firbolg?
Sara Keep 27:31
Fearbolg? Furbolg. You know, whatever pronunciation.
Paul Salt 27:34
F’bolg.
Nell Heald 27:35
He is a Firbolg, about seven foot, very green eyes, like bright green, has a lot of brown bushy hair, grey skin, quite meaty. Like, he’s quite a big fella. His traditional name in the forest is Metsa Isa, which means forest father, but for outsiders and for more regular folk, he goes by Morric because it’s just a lot easier. He lives in Lower Coastberg now. He did live in a little stormhold type forest type enclave type something in the forest – did I mentioned forest? [laughter] – forest, with his clan, but they sadly met a sad demise. And so he’s here now, ten years on from adventuring and looking after parks, occasionally dabbling in political activism but, you know, he’s quite new to this. That’s not something that you learn in the forest. He’s learned that from being in the town.
Sara Keep 28:23
Well, as you continue to sow the earth, you see your friend Shay, who is a harengon, which is a rabbit-like race, come hopping out of the woods towards the fence. [in a squeaky voice] Afternoon, Metsa Isa, how are you today?
Nell Heald 28:38
[speaking extremely slowly and gently] Oh, hello, Shay. How are you?
Sara Keep 28:44
I’m good, I’m good.
Nell Heald 28:45
I’m very glad to hear.
Sara Keep 28:47
So yeah, preparations are in place for tomorrow at the old warren. We won’t let the mayor unhouse the Bunderson family just because he wants to build houses in the hollow.
Nell Heald 28:58
I’m very glad to hear this, Shay. We will take the mayor down, piece by piece. Is that correct? Is that what you say? No? Oh dear. [laughter]
Sara Keep 29:07
Yeah, no, we’re gonna, we’re gonna take him down, piece by piece.
Nell Heald 29:15
OK, is there anything further I can do for you? Put up more fences or prep the trees in case they need to attack?
Sara Keep 29:22
You can talk to the…?
Nell Heald 29:23
Oh, yes. Is that normal? I’m trying to be normal, Shay.
Sara Keep 29:29
Normal? Well, I mean, listen. Who’s to say what normal is? I think if you can talk to trees that’s cool, that’s better than normal.
Nell Heald 29:40
Oh, thank you, Shay. I forget often what people do in the towns and don’t do in towns. Yes, I can talk to trees and plants and… animals and… rocks and… water and… moss and… [laughter]
Jen Blundell 29:56
Staring blankly off into the distance.
Sara Keep 29:58
Listing things.
Jen Blundell 30:01
Listing natural things.
Sara Keep 30:02
Like I imagine you start to get incredibly precise on the list, start naming specific animals.
Jen Blundell 30:09
[imitating Morric] And gorse bushes and dandelions…
Paul Salt 30:12
I want it canonical that she can speak to rocks. [laughter]
Jen Blundell 30:16
They don’t speak back.
Sara Keep 30:17
Anyone can speak to rocks, yeah, it’s just whether they talk back or not.
Paul Salt 30:20
That’s true. [laughs] I just like the idea of just a rock being just like, dude, you got to get the fuck out of here. [laughter]
Nell Heald 30:26
Lift me up though, I can’t, bro. I’m a rock, I’ve not got no legs.
Paul Goodman 30:31
Do you even lift, bro? Then lift me up.
Sara Keep 30:35
Shay seems really enamoured with you, forest father, they know you’re a powerful yet kind being, and they admire your steps into activism.
Nell Heald 30:50
[whispers] Yes. [laughs] That’s just me quietly saying yes to myself.
Sara Keep 30:54
[laughs] But yeah, if you could just get the trees around the hollow to like, knock back any builders or construction workers who try to come in and knock it down, that’d be so cool.
Nell Heald 31:12
They will be happy to help their little friend.
Sara Keep 31:15
Thank you. Thank you, Metsa Isa.
Nell Heald 31:16
Would you like some mushrooms? I was having a little snack.
Sara Keep 31:19
Yeah, sure.
Jen Blundell 31:21
Oh, that explains it. [laughter]
Paul Salt 31:22
The mushrooms are like, what the fuck? [laughter]
Sara Keep 31:24
The curse of being able to talk to everything.
Nell Heald 31:30
I feel like I should explain that Morric eats these mushrooms like trail mix, but for most small people, it makes them really high. It has no effect on him but he forgets this and he offers it, because he’s quite generous, you know? He offers things a lot. He forgets that little creatures can get quite high.
Sara Keep 31:48
And Shay is a little creature… [laughter] And takes a mushroom quite willingly and gleefully, pops it in their mouth, gives it a few chomps, and then the effects are quite, you see the eyes dilate dramatically.
Nell Heald 32:07
Oh no. Oh, I forgot again.
Sara Keep 32:10
[in a trippy voice] Wooooaoooaaaah.
Nell Heald 32:13
Oh no. How about you come inside my cottage and I’ll give you a tea?
Paul Goodman 32:18
Of mushrooms! [laughter]
Sara Keep 32:21
Have there always been this many colours?
Nell Heald 32:24
Yes, Shea, lots of colours, aren’t there.
Sara Keep 32:27
Are we made up of colours?
Nell Heald 32:29
Yes, yes. He puts an arm around… well, bends down and puts an arm around, I imagine she’s quite small and he is quite tall. Come, child, let’s go inside and rest.
Paul Salt 32:39
A thought just occurred which is that you insist that Metsa Isa doesn’t experience any side effects as a result of eating this trail mix and then at the very end of the session you’re like, wait a minute, where’s Bleugh? And everyone’s like, What? You know, the little frog guy that we have with us all the time? What the fuck are you talking about. [laughter]
Sara Keep 33:01
You take Shay into your cottage and coach them through a trip so that they don’t have a bad trip and they get through the other side.
Jen Blundell 33:11
That’s a good friend.
Paul Goodman 33:12
He’s true friend, is Morric.
Paul Salt 33:14
Puts some Orbital on. [laughter]
Sara Keep 33:16
Yeah, you know, if Morric gets someone high, he stands by them. But as the sun begins to set in the sky and Shay goes back off into the woods, you realise it’s time to finish up work and head across town to 32 Pudding Road.
Paul Goodman 33:36
Aw. It’s a real mean part of the town.
Sara Keep 33:40
It’s a lovely little suburban area and that’s where you’ll find the home of your friend Margaret Battlehammer.
Jen Blundell 33:49
It’s charming as fuck.
Sara Keep 33:51
And it sticks out due to the elegant stonework that truly denotes that a dwarven artisan lives there.
Paul Salt 33:58
All scribbled over by kids.
Jen Blundell 34:00
She’s just got their little heights at each birthday notched into the doorframe with a chisel, their names elegantly etched, because that’s what Margaret does nowadays. Margaret works. She does stone masonry, stone… carpentry. Stone whittling. Stone weaving. Just stone stuff. And makes a living that way. When she’s not busy being a mum. Full time job, am I right?! Just appealing to that mum audience out there. Getting them on board.
Paul Goodman 34:31
That’s all we’re missing.
Paul Salt 34:31
I thought that’s why I was here.
Nell Heald 34:32
All right, mums. [laughter]
Sara Keep 34:33
Morric, as you approach you can hear the discordant warbling of your friends setting up in Margaret’s garage for a band practice. Large double garage on the side of the house.
Nell Heald 34:40
I knock on the door. Do I have to go through the front? What’s the most polite thing to do? Should I just knock on the gate?
Jen Blundell 34:48
Yeah, you’re used to knocking on the garage door.
Paul Goodman 34:51
Jump, I think, would have opened it so everybody could see them warming up. [laughter]
Nell Heald 34:54
Like having it open to the street, I guess. Yeah. Okay, cool. In that case, Morric just bends under.
Paul Goodman 35:02
Morric, my man, my man! How you doing?
Nell Heald 35:04
Hello, J. That was what you told me is okay, yes?
Paul Goodman 35:09
That’s it, J or J Dog, yeah, either one of those is great. [laughter]
Nell Heald 35:12
Excellent.
Paul Goodman 35:12
Hey, man, you got any of those mushrooms around? Do you know how long it’s been since I went on a little trip?
Jen Blundell 35:17
Jump, don’t think you’re out of earshot, Jump.
Paul Goodman 35:18
Come on, man, all I’m saying is-
Jen Blundell 35:20
I’ve told you before, you do that-
Paul Goodman 35:22
Come on-
Jen Blundell 35:22
You talk about that outside my house, okay?
Paul Goodman 35:24
I’m just, they grow from the ground, Margaret!
Nell Heald 35:27
Sorry, Margaret.
Jen Blundell 35:27
On my land, I take a stand.
Paul Salt 35:29
You point to where that’s etched into the wall. [laughter]
Jen Blundell 35:31
No to drugs. Drugs are for thugs. Etched into the wall.
Sara Keep 35:35
Elegant stonework.
Jen Blundell 35:36
Elegant detailing.
Paul Goodman 35:38
All I’m saying is, they grow from the ground, yeah? They’re natural. What about, what about the mead we make?
Jen Blundell 35:43
You know what? I don’t give a fig-
Paul Goodman 35:46
Woah, woah, okay, okay!
Jen Blundell 35:46
– whether they grow in the ground.
Paul Goodman 35:48
No need for such language! Come on, man.
Jen Blundell 35:51
I’m sorry I had to raise my voice.
Paul Goodman 35:52
This is a positive space.
Jen Blundell 35:53
I’m sorry, but you know how I feel. It’s a positive space, aye, but… you fucking bring drugs into my house and I’ll give you a right-
Paul Goodman 36:02
Woah! All right, Miss “I’m a couple of steps away from being evil”!
Jen Blundell 36:04
And I punch him on the arm.
Paul Goodman 36:05
Hahaha ow.
Jen Blundell 36:06
And we laugh.
Nell Heald 36:07
I’m very sorry, Margaret.
Jen Blundell 36:10
Oh, don’t worry about it. I’m just joshing.
Nell Heald 36:13
I’ll give you a little bag to take home, J.
Paul Salt 36:16
Your downers on the top, your uppers on the bottom. [laughter]
Paul Goodman 36:19
Don’t eat it all at once. Don’t go on a big dirty trip on the way home. [laughter]
Paul Salt 36:26
Metsa Isa, mother of the forest. You look sick.
Nell Heald 36:31
[whispers] Father of the forest.
Paul Salt 36:32
Father of the forest. Excuse me. I have had a long day of inhaling my own nauseous skin. [laughter]
Nell Heald 36:38
Oh, that is okay, Bleugh. How are you, my dear friend?
Paul Salt 36:42
I’m very well, though lately affected by a great sadness. For you see, throughout our previous adventure, when I sought to master the bow and arrow, I somehow only achieved moderate skill as if still at a very early level with this weapon. It is something that I wish to remedy but feel unable to. Nevertheless, the poetry is going extremely well.
Nell Heald 37:03
Oh, I’m so glad to hear. Have you got anything new to tell me? I do so love to hear it, Bleugh.
Paul Salt 37:11
Yes… I do… Yes, I absolutely do. Please allow me to do that.
Jen Blundell 37:17
Everybody pause, Bleugh’s gonna do us another poem! [laughter]
Paul Goodman 37:21
What key is this in?
Paul Salt 37:22
Erm, the third one. [laughter]
Paul Goodman 37:24
This is going to be great. Okay. I’ll follow on, I’ll follow.
Jen Blundell 37:29
What a band we are.
Paul Salt 37:30
[giggles] Lily pad is home to me… and my mem…or…y. Fuck yeah! Er. To my memories… autumn… day is nice.
Jen Blundell 37:49
Wow.
Nell Heald 37:50
That was lovely.
Jen Blundell 37:51
We put some keys on that, a little drum beat and then, and then obviously some panpipes.
Paul Goodman 37:57
Hey, hey, pipepipes solo, obviously, come on.
Jen Blundell 37:59
Pipepipe solo… I think we might have a hit.
Paul Salt 38:02
I’m happy to vocalise this in the manner of the band. [in screamo] LILY PAD IS HOOOME. [laughter]
Paul Goodman 38:11
This is so flippin good. We’re gonna rock the Lower Coastberg Annual Fayre.
Jen Blundell 38:14
Aye, biggest gig of the year, that is.
Paul Goodman 38:17
They won’t know what hit them.
Jen Blundell 38:18
I agree. I think two rehearsals is probably enough. [laughter]
Paul Goodman 38:21
Probably, most of our songs are about the length of Grung’s poems – not Grung, of Bleugh’s poems – so yeah, probably lucky if it feels 15 minutes, but ah, what a divine 15 minutes that’s going to be.
Paul Salt 38:31
Very tight fifteen. You’re right, Jump. I feel we are finally ready.
Paul Goodman 38:35
Speaking of ready. Margaret, I’m going to talk to you about your son Kit. He is on the way to the oath of conquest, no doubt-
Jen Blundell 38:41
Er sorry. Yeah. Can we talk shop after?
Paul Goodman 38:46
Yeah, of course.
Jen Blundell 38:47
This is me garage. You know how it is, happy space. So in this garage, we rock hard.
Paul Goodman 38:54
No kid talk, okay, yeah, got it. Definitely got it.
Jen Blundell 38:57
Come on. Hardcore.
Paul Goodman 38:59
Yeah. Okay. Lute solo!
Paul Salt 39:02
Do we have a lutist?
Paul Goodman 39:03
I’m the lutist. [laughter] I’m the lead and rhythm lutist in the band.
Nell Heald 39:10
I brought some friends to watch today. And Morric lays out some rocks just ready. [laughter] Ready for your lute solo now.
Paul Salt 39:21
I didn’t expect to perform with an audience. The intense pressure honours me greatly.
Nell Heald 39:27
Oh, they are very honoured to be here. They have heard so much about you, Bleugh.
Jen Blundell 39:33
[playing along] Hello, rocks. Nice to meet you. And I wink at jump. We get it, right?
Paul Goodman 39:41
Yeah, yeah, of course. I get down on one knee say, Sirs, this is an honour. Sirs, you know, seeing you all here just looking up at me like this. It just makes me want to play the lute better than I’ve ever played my life, you dig? And I just stand like just nodding at the rocks as if they’re saying something.
Jen Blundell 39:56
Yes.
Nell Heald 39:58
Morric clasps his hand and goes, Oh, they’re so excited, J!
Paul Goodman 40:04
That’s my name, I say to the rocks. That or J Dog. [laughter]
Nell Heald 40:07
Yes, I’m sorry I don’t call you J Dog. I’m learning. You just don’t look like a dog. [laughter] I’ll get there.
Sara Keep 40:16
I’m going to need a group performance check.
Paul Goodman 40:20
Fuck yeah.
Nell Heald 40:21
All right!
Sara Keep 40:21
So you all roll a D20 and add your performance skill, whether it be a plus or a minus.
Nell Heald 40:27
Oh god…
Paul Salt 40:27
It’s a zero!
Nell Heald 40:31
Oh, mine’s a negative one!
Paul Goodman 40:36
I got a five but I’ve got a charisma of four so that bumps it up to a nine which is shit. [laughter]
Sara Keep 40:40
It’s a nine and yeah.
Paul Salt 40:42
I also got a nine.
Jen Blundell 40:43
And I got a total of six so…
Nell Heald 40:46
I got a total of five… [discordant music plays]
Jen Blundell 40:48
Wow, that’s sounds about right.
Paul Salt 40:52
We look back and the rocks have left. [laughter]
Paul Goodman 40:56
It was too good for them!
Paul Salt 40:58
They’re not ready.
Paul Goodman 40:59
Sounding good, guys!
Sara Keep 41:01
You know, sometimes the dice tell the story. And the story is you guys suck shit. [laughter] But you try, and you’re having fun, and that’s what’s important.
Nell Heald 41:17
Right, yeah!
Jen Blundell 41:18
Just like right now. [laughter] Hey, listeners. Look, what’s important is that we’re trying.
Paul Salt 41:30
It’s not our fault we didn’t roll for a better podcast. [laughter]
Sara Keep 41:35
Maybe they didn’t roll for the better podcast. [laughter]
Paul Salt 41:37
Oh shit. You see!
Jen Blundell 41:39
This is on you. Think about your life choices.
Sara Keep 41:43
Margaret’s wife Joan pops her head in and smiles and is like, Wow… Wow, you guys sound sooo good…
Jen Blundell 41:56
Right?
Paul Salt 41:57
Margaret, the sincerity in your voice is overwhelming.
Paul Goodman 42:00
That’s just the music, my man!
Sara Keep 42:01
Nobody roll a perception check. Nobody do it because you don’t want to know!
Jen Blundell 42:08
Margaret’s been married long enough to know that she doesn’t want to roll a perception check right now. [laughter]
Nell Heald 42:12
Morric’s gonna do it. He’s gonna roll. He wants to know. Oh, that’s bad. I rolled a six total.
Paul Goodman 42:20
Well, I wrote a fucking 19.
Sara Keep 42:22
So yeah, Bleugh and Morric think, wow, Joan is very supportive. And Jump has a level of realisation that isn’t profound enough for him to think that he’s bad. He just thinks Joan doesn’t get it. [laughter] She just doesn’t understand the music you’re creating.
Paul Goodman 42:49
Yeah. Old prog folk is not for everyone. So you can reach everybody, yeah, you just got to reach them in the right way. And Jump gets on his knees and does a lute solo.
Nell Heald 42:57
Oooh no.
Paul Goodman 42:59
That’s an eight.
Sara Keep 43:01
And it’s just as good as it was before.
Paul Salt 43:04
No, it’s not, it’s one less. [laughter]
Paul Goodman 43:08
Which could be narratively explained by him jumping down to his knees.
Paul Salt 43:13
He really hurt himself and he’s trying to cover it.
Sara Keep 43:17
Like the lute didn’t cover the sound of like a kneecap cracking against the concrete of the garage floor.
Nell Heald 43:23
That’s middle age for you.
Paul Goodman 43:24
Yeah, his gut is really like, he’s resting the lute on his gut.
Sara Keep 43:27
But Joan looks over to Margaret and says, I’m gonna take the kids to see the group of bards that have come to town. So, you guys have fun…
Jen Blundell 43:37
Thanks, love! I appreciate you and love you and everything you do!
Sara Keep 43:41
She leans over the drums and gives you a kiss before heading out.
Jen Blundell 43:48
Margaret tries to keep playing.
Sara Keep 43:49
It’s an awkward kiss, for sure. I’d say roll for kiss but I don’t know what skill…
Jen Blundell 43:56
Er… animal handling? Wink! [laughter]
Paul Salt 43:59
Performance, right? Am I right?
Paul Goodman 44:01
Or deception.
Paul Salt 44:03
Yeah. Fucking marriage.
Jen Blundell 44:05
Survival? Eh eh eh!
Paul Goodman 44:09
Literally any one of these you read it and you go, that’s really good!
Sara Keep 44:15
That’s marriage! And we are 60’s comedians.
Paul Goodman 44:17
That’s marriage!
Paul Salt 44:20
Wait, there’s a bard show, and we weren’t invited?
Sara Keep 44:23
That the Battlehammer family would rather go listen to than you.
Nell Heald 44:26
Ohh.
Paul Goodman 44:27
Oh flip!
Paul Salt 44:28
Were we not invited?
Paul Goodman 44:29
Mate, because we’re too good, you know? This is an amateur show.
Paul Salt 44:33
Well, it’s a professional bard show. But perhaps they don’t want to be upstaged by amateur musicians who are significantly more proficient with their instruments.
Jen Blundell 44:42
I mean, maybe it’s only for official bards. And none of us is, I mean, we’re all technically not officially bards.
Paul Salt 44:51
That is not a fate that has befallen anyone of us yet.
Jen Blundell 44:53
No, not yet. But I’ve heard about a social concept called multiclassing. So maybe one of us will do it one day. [laughter]
Paul Salt 45:02
This intrigues me, especially given my lacklustre performance with the bow.
Paul Goodman 45:06
Since we drove King Martin Luther out of town, forget about it. And he just goes off strumming sadly to himself on his lute.
Nell Heald 45:13
Wait?
Paul Salt 45:13
We personally?
Sara Keep 45:14
Yeah, that sounds like a bad thing!
Paul Goodman 45:17
No, not us, the people of Lower Coastberg. I take responsibility for it, you know?
Paul Salt 45:22
Please, he who… takes… the choice… of others… takes their… sadness… as well. Peaceful… day.
Jen Blundell 45:36
Nailed it. Another masterpiece, Bleugh.
Paul Goodman 45:40
Fucking beautiful, man.
Paul Salt 45:41
Did I level up?
Sara Keep 45:43
You levelled up in poetry, which is nothing. [laughter]
Jen Blundell 45:47
You can spend those poetry points on giving yourself a hug.
Sara Keep 45:51
Keep a careful track of your poetry points, Paul, and they’ll be redeemable for great magical items at the end of the campaign.
Paul Goodman 46:00
The same goes for you, listeners at home. Keep an eye on those poetry points.
Sara Keep 46:03
Keep checking your poetry points!
Paul Salt 46:05
It would be amazing if that’s actually true. And it’s like one shop at the very end of the campaign. It’s like, items for poetry points! Instant resurrection! [laughter]
Paul Goodman 46:13
Imagine if one fan at the end of the campaign goes, Guys, I figured it out, the cypher! [laughter] You know, that you wove throughout this tale!
Paul Salt 46:20
If you put all of his poems together, you realise he’s quite shit at it. [laughter]
Paul Goodman 46:25
You got it, man.
Paul Salt 46:27
There’s a t-shirt coming your way.
Paul Goodman 46:29
Not one of ours. [laughter]
Sara Keep 46:33
We just got one down at Primark. It’s coming your way.
Paul Salt 46:37
Yep, we chucked it at you.
Sara Keep 46:38
So as you continue to jam out in Margaret’s unfortunately unsoundproofed garage, the drinks that you guys have around the room start to swirl and whirlpool in their glasses and bottles. The liquids shoot out and coalesce into one central area, which catches your attention and brings your practice to an abrupt end.
Paul Salt 47:04
A gradual end. [giggles] We fade it out.
Sara Keep 47:08
Yeah, you see the water but that doesn’t stop you immediately. Like we’ve got to follow the flow of the music before we investigate what this is.
Paul Salt 47:17
We were in the groove. We are in the prog folk groove.
Nell Heald 47:20
Eyes closed.
Paul Goodman 47:20
Jump’s biting his lip.
Paul Salt 47:21
Bleugh’s biting someone else’s lip. [laughter] My friends, what’s that?
Paul Goodman 47:26
It’s just me – I know, I’ve only been playing for like three years. Pretty good, huh? [laughter]
Nell Heald 47:30
I think he’s referring to the water.
Paul Goodman 47:34
Oh, flipping heck! Never seen that before my life!
Nell Heald 47:36
Can I roll some kind of nature roll? Or I guess maybe this is probably something that’s like, it’s magic rather than nature?
Jen Blundell 47:44
I could do an arcana?
Sara Keep 47:45
Yeah.
Paul Goodman 47:46
I also instinctively cast Detect evil and good.
Paul Salt 47:49
I think about history to think if I can think of another time that this may have happened at some point in history. [laughter]
Jen Blundell 47:54
I rolled a 14 in arcana.
Sara Keep 47:56
Yeah, okay, so you get the sense that this is a spell that’s being cast from a long distance away. This is… Someone is controlling the water from probably not even within Lower Coastberg. And you get the sense, Jump, that it is… not evil. It’s either good or neutral.
Paul Goodman 48:22
Oh, chill, guys. This one’s calm. This one’s cool.
Nell Heald 48:25
Maybe it’s trying to tell us something. Should we talk to it?
Jen Blundell 48:27
Yeah!
Paul Goodman 48:29
Sir? Sir! Sir. Sir?
Nell Heald 48:33
You don’t know if it’s a sir, J.
Paul Goodman 48:37
Sir… Ma’am. [laughter]
Paul Salt 48:39
Our metaphysically challenged friend, please express yourself as best as you are able. Everyone, look out for any form of undulation that may be an attempt to communicate.
Sara Keep 48:48
[watery yet grand voice from a distance] My friends. It’s been too long. And as the fluid continues to move in flux, it begins to take shape and soon enough, there stands a watery facsimile of your long absent companion-
Paul Salt 49:04
Zordon! [laughter]
Sara Keep 49:06
Nope, it’s Grumpo Dewclaw, the tabaxi wizard.
Paul Goodman 49:10
Ah, Master Dewclaw!
Nell Heald 49:12
How are you, Grumpo?
Jen Blundell 49:12
Grumpo!
Sara Keep 49:13
How are you all?
Paul Goodman 49:16
Incredible. You haven’t aged a day. You look amazing. Beautiful, even. Do you mind if I…? And then I go to touch his face.
Sara Keep 49:22
Your hand just goes straight through the water, causing it to distort and lose definition before reforming back into Grumpo.
Paul Goodman 49:32
Incredible. So hot.
Paul Salt 49:34
Grumpo, this watery facsimile of your face is truly a joy to see. But how can we be sure that it is truly you and not some form of devilment?
Sara Keep 49:44
Would you like me to share secret that only you and I know?
Paul Salt 49:48
That would please me greatly, O watery master.
Jen Blundell 49:51
Should the rest of us cover our ears?
Paul Goodman 49:54
No way, we’re flipping friends!
Paul Salt 49:55
I have no secrets from my bandmates.
Jen Blundell 49:57
Come on now, Jump, even friends can have secrets.
Paul Salt 50:01
The Justyce Loving Friends is the most important social structure, second only to my noble clan of Wibudser.
Jen Blundell 50:07
Yes. Er… right. Yes. No secrets between bandmates.
Paul Salt 50:12
I’m sure you feel the same way.
Jen Blundell 50:13
Oh, yeah, absolutely. Please, Master Grumpo, tell us a secret.
Paul Goodman 50:18
Yeah, do one about Bleugh and then do one about each one of us. [laughter]
Sara Keep 50:22
This is getting quite involved!
Jen Blundell 50:24
Maybe just one’ll do…
Paul Salt 50:24
I’ll take mine in the form of the haiku that I taught you on our journey through to the unknown worlds last time we travelled together.
Sara Keep 50:32
Ho ho ho! I don’t remember that.
Paul Salt 50:35
[imitates Grumpo] It was boring! [laughter]
Sara Keep 50:40
I don’t remember that, but I do remember that when you were tadpole you were abandoned…
Paul Salt 50:49
Aw.
Sara Keep 50:50
Briefly.
Paul Salt 50:51
Yes. [giggles]
Sara Keep 50:52
And then your parents found you again.
Paul Salt 50:55
My god. The most intimate fact about my early life. [laughter] It is doubtlessly Grumpo.
Nell Heald 51:01
You have 10,000 brothers and sisters.
Paul Salt 51:05
Oh, but none of them saw, they were all facing the other way at that particular moment.
Paul Goodman 51:10
They’d seen a duck.
Paul Salt 51:12
It was a very good duck. Some of the greatest poems of my people was written about that duck. [laughter]
Paul Goodman 51:21
We all remember that duck through the stories you’ve woven.
Jen Blundell 51:25
Half of our setlist is about that duck.
Paul Goodman 51:33
Grumpo, Master Dewclaw, it’s obviously you now! But why are you here and why are you water?
Sara Keep 51:38
Well… I wish I was here under better circumstances but unfortunately, I’ve been arrested in the city of Beaton. And I tell you what… it’s absolute bullshit! [laughter] I didn’t commit any crimes. It’s all a big conspiracy!
Jen Blundell 51:58
Yes, I’m sure…
Paul Salt 52:00
[imitating Grumpo] Come and bail me out, my fellows. [laughter]
Paul Goodman 52:02
[imitating Grumpo] Scrape up the bail money, dogs.
Paul Salt 52:04
[imitating Grumpo] I can’t go back to jail, there are people waiting for me on the inside!
Sara Keep 52:12
Listen… the long and short of it is that you are my four most trusted companions. And I hope you’ll help me in my time of need. Could you come and post bail? The road to Beaton will be long and arduous. But I promise you this… I, I’ll pay you back. I swear.
Paul Goodman 52:35
You mean great riches?
Sara Keep 52:37
However much the bail costs. I think it’s about 32 gold.
Paul Goodman 52:42
Oh, but I cast that past behind me, Master Dewclaw! I can’t do it any more. I mean, yes, obviously yes, I’m coming. But I just want you to know that I’m a pretty big name around here now. Kids. They look up to me. I don’t just have my armour waiting to go. It’s in a closet and I’ve got to clean it. But yeah, obviously I’ll go.
Jen Blundell 53:01
Master Grumpo, would you mind if we took five minutes to just have a little conversation between the bunch of us? Would that be all right with you?
Sara Keep 53:10
Yes, I think– And then you hear another voice echoing through the water. [guard’s voice] Hey! Hey wizard king, what are you doing? We said you only get one message. [Grumpo’s voice] That’s right. And I sent that letter to Jemaine, Lord of the Eagles. You didn’t say I couldn’t send a water missive from my bowl of soup. [laughter] [guard’s voice] It was implicitly implied.
Paul Goodman 53:32
Grumpo!
Jen Blundell 53:33
What a cad.
Paul Salt 53:35
Classic Grumpo.
Sara Keep 53:36
[guard’s voice] Hang up or we’ll take that soup away. [Grumpo’s voice] Oh, but it’s carrot and coriander, you heathen! [laughter] Listen, I have to go, but, my friends, I need you now more than ever.
Jen Blundell 53:49
Aye, aye, but-
Sara Keep 53:50
[Grumpo] In a bit! And then the water loses form and sloshes to the floor.
Paul Salt 53:56
Bleugh is underneath it. And that’s him submersing himself in water for that day. [laughter]
[Outro music starts fading in]
Sara Keep 55:08
Yeah, I can’t, I can’t believe you preempted my bail thing. [laughter] Shit, they got it! They got that that’s what this whole thing is.
Paul Goodman 55:12
[outro] Quest Fantastic is Jen Blundell as Margaret Battlehammer, Nell Heald as Morric, Paul Salt as Bleugh, Paul Goodman as Jump Fundenden and Sara Keep as everyone else. Story by Sara Keep. Music and editing by me. Thanks so much for listening to part one of our pilot episode. So, this is a call to arms to everyone out there who enjoyed the show. We’re just getting started and the best way we have of getting ourselves out there is word of mouth. So if you loved the show, tell a friend, leave us a review, spread the word on social media, paint it on the side of a dog, push it through a hospital. But most importantly subscribe on your preferred podcatcher. If you want more from us, Jen and Sara host the queer actual play podcast Roll Plus Heart, where they play a whole host of shorter TTRPGs. Paul Salt is film critic for Screen Mayhem and hosts the podcast Jen and the Film Critic with, you guessed it… Jen, where Salt and Jen review the latest movies in an environment where I’m not screaming at either of them. And finally Salt and I host the podcast One Good Thing where we find good things in bad movies and have been doing so for five years now. So there’s plenty for you to get stuck into if you’re looking for a bit more positivity in your film criticism. And jokes about bums. You can find us on Twitter and Facebook at Quest Fantastic, send us an email at gmail at questfantastic@gmail.com and Sara at PenguinPanic for all of her beautiful artwork. All other links and handles will be in the episode description. Next episode is coming out Thursday, 27th January, so we’ll see you all then. Bye!
Paul Salt 56:53
[repeating Bleugh’s poems over slightly discordant band music] Long road with no end. A destination past. Confirmation. Because sunset is very be… be-au-ti-ful… to me, sir. Long road with no end. A destination past. Confirmation. Because sunset is very be… be-au-ti-ful… to me, sir.